I hate it when my husband sits on the crack between the couch cushions

[Valerie]

You're supposed to sit in the CENTER of the cushion, not on the crack between them. I mean, who does that? Then the back cushions get all smooshed funny and there's a big ass-dent forming which is making the existing crack larger. I don't really want to say anything to him about it because then he'll just realize how crazy I am, and I already remind him of that about a hundred other times a day. Maybe I should just leave a fork in there.

[Howard]

Or sit there before he does, so he can't.

[Kirk]

Tell him the longer he sits on the couch the larger his own existing crack will get.

[Valerie]

Well, Seth, I'm furtively glancing over there right now, and my husband has indeed managed to line up his ass crack with the couch crack. I have no idea how it could be comfortable... all I can say in his defense is that he does have a rather trim ass, so maybe it just fits in there.

NO NO NO I can't rationalize it. IT'S WRONG!

And King, it's certainly not anal-retentive for someone to want someone else to sit on the couch in the manner in which it was meant to be sat. It's just RIGHT. Oh wait - you're probably sitting on the couch crack right now, aren't you!

[Sarah]

Proof that there's a Gilmoreism appropriate for every situation:

Paris: I'll tell you my problem, Andre. Last time you sat on our couch your mesomorphic frame carved a four-foot crater in it. I felt like I was sitting in a bucket.

Janet: You're so full of it, Paris.

Paris: Kids were skateboarding up and down it! Gandalf the Grey is still falling down it. It was a big hole!

[Tracy]

you could always take the really annoying (but not exactly crazy) route to solve this. whenever he's sitting on the crack of the couch cushions, you should sit in the center of one of the cushions he's straddling. slowly, but imperceptibly, keep moving closer and closer to him as you guys are reading or watching tv or whatever you do on your couch. eventually, you'll simply crowd him all the way onto the other cushion. and if he asks you what you think you're doing, crowding him like that, just look at him innocently and say one of the following things:

"hmm, what's that honey? i'm engrossed in [whatever you're doing]"

"but i love you."

"THIS CUSHION IS MINE!"





ok, so the last one might be a little bit crazy.

[Valerie]

Well, Haters: there are some really great suggestions here. I especially like Seth's subtle advice about using the rolling pin to flatten the cushions, but I have to be careful about having something in my hand that could potentially be used as a weapon.

There was another wonderful idea from Tracy about crowding him over, but I'm slightly worried about falling into the crack myself, thus enlarging it even further.

Hmmmm. Anne Rice, anal-retentive... King, I think we're going to clash/type about animal rights or Andy Richter next.