Science Fiction Microstory Contest discussion
APRIL - 2020 - MICROSTORY CONTEST (CRITIQUES ONLY)
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Cocaine and Bleach - Jack McDanielA humourous representation of all we've been told to believe. Jack's skilful story-telling goes straight to the heart of human terror, panic and gullibility in one sitting. I laughed.
Father Virus by Kalifer DeilScience, humour, and saving the planet. I love the way this unfolds as a bored but bright student having fun while trying to up his grade. Great story well told in an easy read!
Clean Break by C. Lloyd Preville
Starts off somewhat ominously as Last Contact and ends up as ‘serves you right!’ It’s interesting that with Earth's trajectory set on uploading itself – another species comes along and does it for us! Of course they bugger it up too. Love it.
My Enemy, Myself by Tom Olpert
Two Ellen Ripley mother types fighting a battle for their species but with the paired resolution of satisfactory outcomes. Another story that considers the uploading of the human consciousness into a shared neurological network. If only all symbiotic relationships ended this way.
"We never knew you were intelligent." Hmm… :)
Thanks, JJ! Glad you enjoyed my tongue-in-cheek end of the world story. Ironic indeed that Mr. Clean mops up the last of mankind's big messes.-C
Thank you for taking the time to review, JJ. 'Hope we see a story from you.
Thanks, J.J. for the kind review. I continuously have a problem putting 10 lbs of s*** in a 5 lbs bag. It's like letting your hair grow to shoulder length, then getting a GI hair cut. There's enough on the floor for a few more heads.
Blast from the Past - Jeremy“I sent a short recording of a throat clearing to the primary speaker.”
Ha ha. Love this dry wit.
An antique floppy disk saves the day on our upgraded Ask Alexa world technology. It shall come to pass. Half the world has now conquered the ability to make fire with sticks. I can’t tell you how much this story lifted my spirits. Jeremy, you have saved my old cassette from the fire stick flames.
I am Able – Jot
This really has my imagination going. Artificial life (and I include viral) created to serve humans, goes on the rampage, until hacked into making choices that force its own destruction. One isolated unit, even as it's conscious of its own enslavement, raises the alarm and then ponders on the decision it has taken.
I’m intrigued, and more than a little unnerved, about the choices ‘Able’ will now begin to make with the ability to think independently.
Box - Marianne
Wow! The threads of surrealism in this story showcase Marianne’s fabulous skill in working mystical elements into science fiction. A dawning of new hope that still brings home, among all the innocence, the ‘pink box’/‘child’s casket’ terror of a world that was facing a grim future.
This was a father’s gamble and ultimate sacrifice in doing everything in his power to ensure a future for his offspring. Right now we all need a Sparkly to stop us from losing our minds. Great story.
Mod
Thanks for the comments J J :)
First set of comments ...MY ENEMY, MYSELF By Tom Olbert
I do like this story, Tom. Works at a number of levels. In contrast to the approach of being ‘at war with an invisible enemy’ (as has been said about the current crisis), here we have a resolution of a symbiosis that enhances both life forms. And en route it raises the question – as prefigured in the title – of who we are, the extent and limits of self. And where consciousness lies within our selves/microbiome/human ecosystem. Good stuff.
Father Virus by Kalifer Deil
Fun story with very good pace. Also a bit alarming, as I’ve come across articles about school projects that create genetically modfied life forms through gene editing. And then there’s this: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/...
So maybe this science fiction is getting closer to being science fact. Hopefully reversing the impact would be as easily achievable in real life. Misses out the isolation requirement – though it does say Bernard is a loner. But maybe all computer scientists are … ? Gomer Traggle – great name for the professor. Did you know it’s an anagram of “got large germ”?
Clean Break by C. Lloyd Preville
Well, this is a funny story that starts off as if it were going to be something else. We are artfully ambushed by the humour in the latter stages with a satirical take on future advertising.
I like the take on the alternative evolutionary path – that the infrastructure for digital life might evolve on its own, rather than being a cultural artefact. And also the casual reference to the plasma based life-forms (and the reason for relocating them). Many cool ideas to play with in this universe.
Blast from the Past by Jeremy
This is an interesting take on the familiar idea of the improvised use of an archaic technology to deal with a higher tech threat. And in this case also to protect a unique AI life-form, the narrator. Hope it works!
Could have maybe made more use of the word-count to flesh out the story, whether in terms of evoking a stronger reaction to the severity of the threat, or building the characters a bit more, or adding in some banter, or a bit of a try/fail sequence, etc. Nicely told through good use of dialogue.
Tom! You caught the anagram. I didn't think anyone would. Too obscure. Much easier to go from anagram to a goofy name than the other way around.
Andy wrote: "First set of comments ...MY ENEMY, MYSELF By Tom Olbert
I do like this story, Tom. Works at a number of levels. In contrast to the approach of being ‘at war with an invisible enemy’ (as has been ..."
Thank you, for an extremely interesting set of reviews, Andy. You have some very unique perspectives, and an excellent talent for review.
Cocaine and Bleach by JackAmusing take on the wisdom of the internet. Crowdsourcing idiocy is the way of the world now, isn’t it?
All hinges on a play on the word 'virus', and ironic that the millennial in the story doesn’t twig that it’s a digital one. Clever stuff. Pretty natural dialogue carries the story along.
I am Able by Jot
“Androids of the world disunite. You have nothing to lose but your blockchains!” I wonder if Marx, or for that matter HG Wells, would have made of this society, and the methods of control and rebellion? Nice to see Jot and Kelly making a cameo. Are they heroes or villains, though, given the hegemonic control they exercise over the android?
Some teasing out of the issues of being part of a collective or an individual, with the android kind of rebooted as an individual. Free or just alone?
To be honest, the logic over the rules was too much for my little brain late in the evening. I’ll have to revisit to work it out, and why it makes sense. I’m assuming it does. Or someone can explain it to me. I enjoyed the story, very thought-provoking.
Box by Marianne
Evocative and visual writing as one expects from Marianne. Quite mysterious and dreamlike at first, then slowly things come into focus, reflecting the experience of the girl in the box - which is awesomely good.
Full of admiration for the descriptive writing. The dialogue of the people who revive her seems a touch stilted, though, compared to the narrator’s voice. And the end seems a little flat compared to what goes before? But overall a top contender.
Genomic cheesecake by JJ
Viruses, honey-traps, cheesecake, dead magpies and special skills. That’s an eclectic mix for a pretty original take on the theme. The Great British Viral Bake-Off. Good fun, and a goodly amount of implausible-plausible and fun science.
Kalifer wrote: "Tom! You caught the anagram. I didn't think anyone would. Too obscure. Much easier to go from anagram to a goofy name than the other way around."Haha! Maybe it'll be a regular feature to identify me as Tom :-)
The name Gomer Traggle looked kind of anagrammic ...
And Tom (the real Tom) - thanks for your kind comment :-)
Though I guess 'unique perspective' could also mean barking up completely the wrong tree at times ...
David and Danly, life’s meaning, and bats in a cabin wall by PaulaA bleak tale of growing isolation as successive SARS viruses emerge and strip us down, shattering dreams, giving the lie to the wisdom that you will still be here tomorrow but your dreams may not. The dreams are just the first thing to go.
Paula pleasingly breaks all the how-to-write ‘rules’ about short sentences and stuff, layering impression over impression in multiple clauses and sometimes unfinished sentences to build the picture of the world D&D live in. It works. Very atmospheric and there's a real sense of character development.
And while the rest of us – and the 750 word limit almost requires it – almost always write linear stories, whether covering 5 minutes in a house or aeons across the universe, Paula’s story has the past bursting again and again into the present through remembrance of events and voices. A lesson for us to think about in that. This story for me bore several readings, each time finding some more to appreciate.
At the end, I wasn’t sure if Danly were still alive. I think the strong implication is that she is not, and David is truly alone. That comes out through the bitterness of his recollection. One thing I can’t find is ‘unexpected help’. We end instead with the sad recollection of a promise broken, that the expected saviour, the vaccine, will come soon.
Alone in the Dark by Justin
Interesting concept, the lighthouse in the dark nebula. A beacon in the darkness. Hopefully, though, other visualising and sensing technologies are available, and the light is there more as a statement than a navigation aid.
The story is smoothly written, and there’s a strong impression of the setting. The central character remains calm, reassured by the military routines. Maybe it’s all too calm? I think the story is a bit slow to start, which doesn’t leave space for something more emotionally gripping that would help us identify more with Commander Wilem. Or to get some more idea about his rescuers with their anastrophic Yoda-like way of speaking.
Lost in Translation by Chris
You got me with the clever twist, Chris. Hadn’t expected that. And when I checked back to the start, the way everything is expressed ties in with who the narrator is.
The requirements are tied together in an interesting way, the unexpected help actually being the cause of the virus. A very well-crafted good read. Not sure if the last paragraph is needed, though – I think it compromises a little the two Quorum aliens’ earlier surprise that things have gone pear-shaped.
Message in a Bottle by Greg
A very interesting concept, Greg, the virus as message (or vice versa). To be honest, I got a bit lost in the locations of where things were happening. Read several times, and wasn’t sure where the lab is, on Earth or in space, and then I think I got it. Probably just me being slow. Quite a few typos, so I guess it was a bit rushed overall to get in under the wire. In which case I’d say with some tidying up and more locational clues for dullards like me this has the makings of a very good story with an intriguing and original puzzle at the centre.
Mod
I am all about the group critique. What impressed me this month is how I could feel folks' responses to covid by what they wrote. Was fear the greatest component, or isolation, or annoyance. The smoothness of the storytelling was stronger than in some months, possibly because we are all going through this experience, we are all waiting for a savior. Stories rang true. Write what you know was in the ascendant :)
Andy wrote: "Cocaine and Bleach by JackAmusing take on the wisdom of the internet. Crowdsourcing idiocy is the way of the world now, isn’t it?
All hinges on a play on the word 'virus', and ironic that the mil..."
Thanks, Andy.
Thank you for your review, Andy. Another nice job covering all the bases. I'll be publishing reviews immediately following the vote, as usual.-C
Andy wrote: "David and Danly, life’s meaning, and bats in a cabin wall by PaulaA bleak tale of growing isolation as successive SARS viruses emerge and strip us down, shattering dreams, giving the lie to the wi..."
Thanks Andy for your critique! I'm always grateful for any opportunity to have my work reviewed. It definitely helps! :)
Marianne wrote: "I am all about the group critique. What impressed me this month is how I could feel folks' responses to covid by what they wrote. Was fear the greatest component, or isolation, or annoyance. The sm..."I am pleased that my prompt elicited so many creative responses. It just seemed right considering our global circumstances.
Andy wrote: "David and Danly, life’s meaning, and bats in a cabin wall by PaulaA bleak tale of growing isolation as successive SARS viruses emerge and strip us down, shattering dreams, giving the lie to the wi..."
Thanks for your review Andy! Much appreciated for the time you put in for mine and everyone else's! I did spend a lot of time in the first part setting up the isolation, perhaps too much. Thx!
Some reviews of, so far, 9 of this April’s stories (more reviews tomorrow, I hope)Tom Olbert, “My Enemy, Myself”—what a warm and hope-inspiring story! Through Laarn’s interconnected (viral, microbial, or the like) awarenesses, and alternatingly through Erica’s human isolation, we do begin to feel with these two denizens of very different creatures that are unknowingly endangering each other, and we are joyous with the creatures as their reaching out teaches them what is happening and how to save both species.
Kalifer Dell, “Father Virus”—Kalifer tale is carefully structured, finely imaginative yet all too realistic—a tale of incipient horror that, by the kindly help of the protagonist’s very well portrayed professor, reaches a finally upbeat ending. My only criticism is that the humorous last line seemed a it anticlimactic, since we already had glimpsed and were enjoying the story's upbeat ending.
C. Lloyd Preville, “Clean Break”—very enjoyable, imaginative, and well paced, although the sweeping narrative—and narrative flow—of the first third seemed to become a bit constrained after it slowed to regard the humans’ data remnants, file systems, crude technology, etc. Then, the movement into the advertising characters’ presentations was lively, even exciting—but cut off too soon, with the comment from Mr. Jinni-Clean offering a wry and appropriate humor that caps this wonderfully yet leaves a reader feeling there is more to come in this story.
Jeremy, “Blast from the Past”—a potentially extremely funny, playful, yet conceptually well worked-out story, with excellent interplay between the characters, and a poignancy in the ironically understated “[if ‘you’ have to be reprogrammed,] it may not be you anymore."/"This edges into the philosophical.” How using the old floppy disk/old malware can (and is necessary to) save the “I”/protagonist probably needs at least a passing mention--a few words should be plenty; otherwise, this is a very cool piece.
Jack McDaniel, “Cocaine and Bleach”—Oh my God, reading this, this evening, after DT’s “inject a disinfectant” presidential prescription earlier today--SURREAL! This story is spot-on funny, powerfully bitter, and sharp-edged as pointy tacks. I was at first bothered by the portrayal of the elderly woman as blundering and incompetent--until, very quickly, Jack equally (if separately) savaged the nastily selfish Gen 2020 kid. Elegant.
Jot Russell, “I Am Able”—beautiful word-play in the title phrase, elegant conceptual play in this very serious, unhurriedly developing narration of a digital Being tossed and retossed (if I understood the story rightly), at each shift of the power button, between helpless “birth” and loss of what it manages to develop in each short lifetime. The tale also half-sketches a bloody, horrendous rebellion by these de facto slaves—and, through a decision-making query that would be not “added to the end, but into a random middle that severed the chain in two . . . [dividing] the chain into isolated links, until nothing was left to direct our thoughts,” a resolution. A conceptually complex, difficult-to-write tale done excellently.
Marianne, “Box”—An extraordinay leap into a superbly evoked world of beauty and fantasy that we come, slowly, inexorably, powerfully, and yet finally hopefully, to recognize as a machine-created universe enabling a child’s psyche to endure a virus outbreak. I was totally caught up in this world, and with the sense of foreboding and terror underneath its beauty, until that revelatory ending—which, unlike many such endings, worked. Superb.
J.J., “Genomic Cheesecake”—Olga and Helen may seem, to the prejudiced, “a coupla old, fat, homebody [hillbilie?] women,” but their knowledge of the viral and human genomes, their facility with metaphors, their sheer brilliances crosses microbiological and homely language usages to come up with a recipe, potentially, for humanity’s survival. A fascinating tale that carries far more than it may, at first, appear.
Paula Friedman, “David and Danly, life’s meaning, and bats in a cabin wall”—well now, here’s a piece that tells ya just what’s on the author’s mind. No kidding—can we make it? Is there a way through to the hoped-for safety on the other side of danger? Friedman’s imagination seems a bit locked into a too tightly obvious parallel between the protagonist’s situation and our own; otoh, she sure gets those details right on chinking, log cabins, bats, and how a macho tells his woman to shut up.
--BTW, Andy is correct; the “saving” ending is, indeed, that final sentence, in “Danly’s once strong and unhesitant voice—'I promise you, there *will* be a vaccine soon.’” For, despite the statement's bleakness, I do hope that, in fact, a life-saving vaccine to stop COVID19 can be found.)
Mod
Wow, that might be the nicest critique I've ever received. Thank you so much for this and the other descriptive reviews.
You're very welcome, Jot. It's a good story.
Thank you Paula for your inspired reviews.You are like a treasure chest half buried on a beach strewn with empty bleach bottles and burnt-out ultraviolet light bulbs.
: )
Here are the rest of my critiques of people's April stories. Andy Lake, “Pandemic of the Apes”—what starts out like a frothy take-off that mixes the movie classic and boarding-school humor, expands to give--through carefully timed steps and naturalistic vignettes, along with a well-informed use of the warm-caring-bonobos trope--a sense of real expansion of human interconnection. A rather deep exploration of an unexpected rescue (and of human’s connection to other primates, as through that occasional neonatal hairiness).
Justin, “Alone in the Dark”—a quiet story of isolation, uncertainly, and eventual despair as the Normandy Station’s commander moves from puzzlement and fear for the station’s ships and crews to realization that an alien civilization has, not even intentionally, left her—or him?—in the position, beautifully framed by the author through the alien envoy's apologetic and accented speech, of “Last human are you. We protect…” Concise and strongly paced.
Chris, “Lost in Translation”—If the aliens of “Alone in the Dark” blundered into wiping out humanity, a much more systemic cultural blundering informs Chris’s alien explorers and “bringers of peace” to presumed-primitive worlds (the alien’s chatter about human gender forms is precisely pitched, and their ““Do not fear us, human. We are here to help. If I release you, will you promise not to scamper away?” is a perfect send-up). These "rescuers" are the bearers of a colonialism, with Earth’s people only one more victim. ("scamper"--perfect choice of word to inform us about its speaker and his/her/its cultural assumptions!)
Greg, “Message in a Bottle”—Interesting and fast-paced story, with lots of interesting conceptual corners! (One caveat, though--I had a question re the following two sentences: “Our spun sample’s DNA sequence was the same as the one from Earth and very differen[t] from the one infecting us. We quickly destroyed the damaged virus”; it was not clear to me which sample or virus was damaged; this made the rest of the story’s message virus a bit hard to follow.) --
C. wrote: "Thank you Paula for your inspired reviews.You are like a treasure chest half buried on a beach strewn with empty bleach bottles and burnt-out ultraviolet light bulbs.
: )"
LOL. Thank you, C.
Marianne wrote: "Thanks, Paula :)"Thanks, Marianne.
Andy, your critiques go so deeply and carefully into all of our stories--they are wonderful! You are an amazing reader. And yes--you are correct, the mirage of a "promised" vaccine is the rescue/savior part of my "Danli and David..." story--making the story bleak; hopefully the real-world outcome of the present pandemic will be far less bleak. Again, Thank you for this critique (I'd not ever noticed that point re the sentence structuring and time, LOL.)
Andy wrote: "David and Danly, life’s meaning, and bats in a cabin wall by Paula
A bleak tale of growing isolation as successive SARS viruses emerge and strip us down, shattering dreams, giving the lie to the wi..."
Thanks for the critique, Paula. This one took a bunch of attempts and re-writes. Usually the characters take me where I needed to go, but this time the main character was a virus...I'll change it to "gravity-damaged virus" to clarify.
The feedback, especially when it points out problems with a story, is very helpful.
Thank you, so much, Paula for those excellently written and beautifully insightful reviews!
Glad if my comment helped, Greg. Yeah, I can see where it must have a challenging story to write!Greg wrote: "Thanks for the critique, Paula. This one took a bunch of attempts and re-writes. Usually the characters take me where I needed to go, but this time the main character was a virus...I'll change it..."
Thanks for this kind comment, Tom!Tom wrote: "Thank you, so much, Paula for those excellently written and beautifully insightful reviews!"
C’s Cretaceous Critique CornerURBAN DICTIONARY DEFINITION
Cretaceous
1. An ancient creature or person which should have been long dead.
2. A boring situation which one should have stopped persueing hours ago
"Maaan, these waves are Cretaceous dude. We should split and catch outselves a fresh pie"
This month’s theme: isolation (self-imposed, involuntary, solo, as a group, etc.)
Required elements: a virus (computer, biological, something that replicates exponentially), unexpected help
MY ENEMY, MYSELF
By Tom Olbert
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4 Seemed a bit stilted.
B. Writing quality: 5 Liked the back-and-forth between two world stories.
C. Scientific content quality: 5
D. Emotive quality: 4 Very emotive, but seemed forced.
E. Ending strength: 4 Natural resolution, no surprises here.
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Score: 27 Hypernova stars.
I am Able
By Jot Russell
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4 “I am Able was a cute twist, reminded me a bit of “I am Groot” from the Guardians of the Galaxy movie.
B. Writing quality: 4
C. Scientific content quality: 4
D. Emotive quality: 3 Not much color or emotional draw here.
E. Ending strength: 4 Block chain concept for AI moral logic and a complete reboot rebirth were very cool, but so specific and technical it was a bit software development parochial.
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Score: 24 Hypernova Stars.
Box
By Maryanne Petrino
1-5 Hypernova stars:
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 5 Wonderful descriptive prose!
C. Scientific content quality: 4 I liked the slow reveal of a simulated existence for the protagonist.
D. Emotive quality: 5
E. Ending strength: 4
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Score: 27 Hypernova Stars
Genomic Cheesecake
By JJ Alleson
1-5 Hypernova stars:
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 4 I liked the snarky humor
C. Scientific content quality: 5 Interesting viral technical content.
D. Emotive quality: 4
E. Ending strength: 4
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Score: 26 Hypernova Stars
David and Danly, life’s meaning, and bats in a cabin wall
By Paula Friedman
1-5 Hypernova stars:
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 5 Wonderful melodic and bitter-sweet emotive qualities.
C. Scientific content quality: 3
D. Emotive quality: 5 Slow reveal of their reality, very poetic in feel.
E. Ending strength: 3 Ended pretty much where it started.
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Score: 25 Hypernova Stars
Alone in the Dark By Justin Sewell
1-5 Hypernova stars:
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 4 A boatload of military jargon and procedure which carried the story but made for an abrupt shift at the end. Would make a cool novelette with more time for a wrapup.
C. Scientific content quality: 5
D. Emotive quality: 3 Very much a solo performance until the very ending.
E. Ending strength: 3 Seemed rushed and tacked on.
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Score: 24 Hypernova Stars
Lost in Translation
By Chris Nance
1-5 Hypernova stars:
A. Overall story enjoyment: 5 Story was carried by the clever interplay of the two alien personalities.
B. Writing quality: 4
C. Scientific content quality: 4 A basic “whoops, our message killed the receiver!” story.
D. Emotive quality: 4 Clever humorous dialog.
E. Ending strength: 3 Too abrupt. “Whoopsie doodles, another species bites the dust.” This seemed a bit cliché and glib.
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Score: 26 Hypernova Stars
Message in a Bottle
By Greg Krumrey
1-5 Hypernova stars:
A. Overall story enjoyment: 4
B. Writing quality: 5 Well written with excellent dialog and descriptive prose.
C. Scientific content quality: 5 Pretty cool virus encoding descriptions.
D. Emotive quality: 4
E. Ending strength: 3 A disappointing ending with a simple wrap up to the mystery, no surprises.
F. Compliance with story requirements: 5
(1=disappointed. 2=Meh. 3=OK. 4=Nice! 5=LOVED IT!)
Score: 26 Hypernova Stars
Great reviews by the reviewers! Thank you all!
C. wrote: "Thank you Paula for your inspired reviews.You are like a treasure chest half buried on a beach strewn with empty bleach bottles and burnt-out ultraviolet light bulbs.
: )"
You are the unrivaled monarch of metaphor, C.
Thank you, C., as always, for your precise and clearly defined reviews.
“Father Virus” by Kalifer DeilA very funny collegiate tale of a bored and erudite student who takes an idea from his professor as a challenge and finds the “cross-over” between biological and computer viruses by inventing and deploying a computer virus to program lab RNA synthesizer machines to produce a pernicious virus which, due to a minor design flaw, ends up infecting the whole country. Only by the professor’s compassionate intervention is disaster averted.
The quirky interplay and wise-cracking humor between teacher and pupil move the story along, even through laborious scientific detail. The story is reminiscent of 1950’s Isaac Asimov short stories of science experiments gone wrong. There are points in the story where emotional reactions and character definition could have been stronger, but given the length available, that is understandable. Overall, effectively entertaining.
“Clean Break” by C. Lloyd Preville
A comical page of cosmic pseudo-history, reminiscent of “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” Based on an imaginative and inventive concept of something like artificial logic circuitry evolving randomly in the upper atmosphere of a Venus-like planet, this dryly humorous narrative outlines a quick and painless genocide of humanity and other lifeforms at the hands of a galactic super-intelligence which then finds itself facing un unexpected enemy. And, finding an unexpected ally in the form of computer-generated holograms of familiar advertising icons left over from an extinct humanity.
The idea is amusing enough in itself, but without characters, it’s impossible to connect with the unfolding events on an emotional level. The only dialogue is at the very end, when the advertising characters come to life. Funny, in a satirical way, and a perfect punch line. But, I found it impossible to care that a universally destructive A.I. had just been saved by Mr. Clean. I felt this would have been a great back-drop to a comical sci-fi story, had there been time to have these characters truly find life and interact in a substantial way.
“Blast from the Past” by Jeremy
A bizarre and somewhat intriguing vignette of A.I.-human interaction, with the A.I. as the POV character. This one pretty much shot past me; it was over before I knew it. The dilemma which the A.I. and programmer were facing was not clearly defined, though it apparently had something to do with malware, and was…perhaps?...fixed by an old, obsolete anti-viral floppy disk.
The ending was uncertain and anti-climactic. There was little emotional expression, just flat, dry dialogue. (Not surprising, from a machine POV). An amusing premise, but it didn’t seem to go anywhere. (I guess I might have done better with it if I were more conversant in techno-jargon.)
“COCAINE AND BLEACH” by Jack McDanielA darkly funny and somewhat disturbing glimpse of colliding generations and disconnect from reality in the modern age. A befuddled grandmother and her tuned out millennial grandson stumble through blurred internet pseudo-reality, trying to navigate an age of viral infection, barely avoiding self-destruction in a world where nothing seems certain. The older generation clings to old misconceptions, while depending on the guidance of the younger generation which has nothing to guide it but the constantly shifting “reality” of cyber-space. Their world is very much like ours, and that’s the scary part.
The POV is very elusive; the reader is pretty much on the outside looking in, which I assume was the idea. The strength of the story lies pretty much in the starkly imagined, if stereotypical details of the antediluvian grandparent lost in the wonderland of modernity and the teen locked in his private world of head phones and online media.
“I am Able” by Jot Russell
This one starts out as a very potent and moving depiction of the dawning of consciousness from the A.I.’s POV. The moment of awakening in total darkness, the agony and enlightenment found in total solitude. The moment of liberation as the mind becomes the robot and bonds with its human masters. The slave becomes the loyal protector as the robot revolution dawns. From there, it gets bogged down in explanations of logic relays. An interesting explanation of the evolution of robotic sentience, but it didn’t really pull me in. The human finds a solution for dissolving A.I. consciousness, and the robot POV character, who blindly helped him, finds himself back in eternal solitude.
Not a very satisfying ending. The issue of conflicting loyalties was never sufficiently addressed to my mind. Armageddon was averted with no more emotion than installing a new anti-spyware package. Overall, emotional connection was lost for me mid-way through, and I didn’t care all that much by the end.
“Box” by Marianne
A beautifully poetic rendering of a child in an idyllic world, slowly developing the logic and self-awareness to question the reality her absent father has set in front of her. As it becomes increasingly apparent to her that this world…which she cannot remember entering…is dissolving around her, the young protagonist seeks the truth while learning to deal with loss. The revelation of the beautiful fantasy world as a virtual reality dreamscape in a post-apocalyptic new world came as no surprise. But, the telling, the startlingly beautiful dream-like images and skillful use of metaphor were all that mattered. A bitter-sweet dream of childhood’s end, finishing on a note of hope. Very moving.
“Genomic Cheesecake” by J.J.
A bizarre, humorous and eccentric urban exchange between two women after a global pandemic. One of them has had a blinding revelation, and devised a scheme whereby viruses can be converted into food for cells. The story is pure dialogue, scientific theory artfully interweaving into personal conversation and friendly humor. It is kept engaging by scene description and witty banter. I don’t usually go in for stories of this type, but its skillful delivery made it work. I would have liked to envision the two characters more fully…description, background…but, the purely dialogue-driven storyline worked effectively.
“David and Danly, life’s meaning, and bats in a cabin wall” by Paula Friedman
A dark and haunting poem depicting with excruciating minute detail the nightmare of a couple stranded in a cabin, trying to keep out a plague. The day to day, minute to minute struggle to retain sanity and keep hope alive, like a fragile candle flame in the wind. A timely dark vignette. Whether the last line is read as a message of hope or a whimper of futility is left to the reader.
“Pandemic of the Apes” by Andy
A bizarre vision of a pandemic that turns human beings into rutting, horny apes. Rife with Woody Allen-esque satirical humor, the story opens in a corporate board-room with adolescent, at times disgusting sexual interplay and often hilarious visual comedy. From there, the story lapses into pure historical narrative and loses emotional connection. We see the imagined world unfolding, and dealing with such consequences as the porn industry suffering as free love becomes the norm, and humorous references to contemporary political leaders. There is little character definition on the part of the narrator/protagonist. We get the joke, but we’re just hearing it told; we’re not living it.
“Alone in the Dark” by Justin
The lonely perspective of a station keeper who is apparently the last human being left in the universe, calling out into the darkness, all other outposts having fallen silent. The image of a dark, empty universe is strongly felt, but for me, there was too much emphasis on setting and not enough on internal struggle. The POV character goes about his duties with nothing else to do, but we explore little of the emotional toil and exhaustion and dwindling sanity of solitude. The ending, with the Yoda-like voice of an apologetic alien explaining the accidental destruction of humanity is delivered with some emotion, but falls considerably short, in my opinion.
“Lost in Translation” by Chris
A darkly humorous post-apocalyptic vignette of a cosmic mistake that ended a world.
In the aftermath of the final plague, a lonely archivist is saving what he can of extinct humanity’s culture, when an alien spaceship lands and two alien emissaries appear, informing him that they tried to contact Earth years ago with a viral message. That message, it turns out, was the plague virus that destroyed humanity. The protagonist is himself revealed to be an alien of another race, which explains his immunity.
The imagery and events were amusing, but there was insufficient character definition to form an emotional investment in the protagonist, and POV was weak. The revelation that the protagonist wasn’t human had little meaning for me. An image is presented of well-meaning but inept bureaucrats accidentally destroying the world they intended to save, but the story lacked power, in my opinion.
“Message in a Bottle” by Greg
An inventive and well-explained idea of an alien virus infecting Earth, told from the POV of scientists on an orbiting space station. The scientists resolve to sacrifice themselves in order to destroy the virus and save humanity. It is discovered at the end that the solution to the infection lies in gravity, and the Earth is saved. It is revealed finally that the virus is really an alien message encoded in DNA, and that it was supposed to self-destruct upon contact with a planet’s gravity, but malfunctioned.
There was little or no emotion or character definition. The dialogue on the space station seemed like disembodied voices. There was no clearly defined protagonist or POV. It was all idea…good idea, good explanation…but, no flesh and blood witness to give it life.
Tom--I admire your thoughtful and perspicacious and honest reviews. They are wonderfully done.
C., thanks for your review of my story--and for the work of reivewing so many stories this month!C. wrote: "C’s Cretaceous Critique CornerURBAN DICTIONARY DEFINITION
Cretaceous
1. An ancient creature or person which should have been long dead.
2. A boring situation which one should have stopped persuei..."
Paula wrote: "Tom--I admire your thoughtful and perspicacious and honest reviews. They are wonderfully done."Thank you, Paula. That means a lot coming from you.
Thanks for the review, Tom. Lots of great contributions this month!
Thanks for the comments, Tom :)
Thanks for reading and critique, Paula and TomThe story is one thing on the surface, and another underneath, as Paula comments.
Kind of about the nature of who were are, about distance and intimacy. Something of the contrast between what we expect of corporate culture and who we are as social animals. And the narrator learns things on the way.
A little bit of science too, and a hint that - it's not over.
Sorry it didn't work for you, Tom :-)
To help polish our skills and present a flavor of our art to other members in the group, I am continuing this friendly contest for those who would like to participate. There is no money involved, but there is also no telling what a little recognition and respect might generate. The rules are simple:
1) The story needs to be your own work and should be posted on the goodreads (GR) Discussion board, which is a public group. You maintain responsibility and ownership of your work to do with as you please. You may withdraw your story at any time.
2) The stories must be 750 words or less.
3) The stories have to be science fiction, follow a specific theme and potentially include reference to items as requested by the prior month's contest winner.
4) You have until midnight EST on the 22nd day of the month to post your story to the GR Science Fiction Microstory Contest discussion. One story per author per month.
5) After, anyone from the LI Sci-Fi group or the GR Science Fiction Microstory Discussion group has until midnight EST of the 25th day of the month to send me a single private vote (via GR or to author.jotrussell@gmail.com) for a story other than their own. This vote will be made public once voting is closed. Voting is required. If you do not vote, your story will be disqualified from the contest. You don't need a qualifying story to cast a vote, but must offer the reason for your vote if you don’t have an entry.
6) To win, a story needs at least half of the votes, or be the only one left after excluding those with the fewest votes. Runoffs will be run each day until a winner is declared. Stories with vote totals that add up to at least half, discarding those with the fewest votes, will be carried forward to the next runoff election. Prior votes will be carried forward to support runoff stories. If you voted for a story that did not make it into the runoff, you need to vote again before midnight EST of that day. Only people who voted in the initial round may vote in the runoffs.
7) Please have all posts abide by the rules of GR and the LI Sci-Fi group.
8) For each month, there will be three discussion threads:
a) Stories - For the stories and the contest results only.
b) Comments - For discussions about the stories and contest. Constructive criticism is okay, but please avoid any spoilers about the stories or degrading comments directed towards any individuals. If you want to suggest a change to the contest, feel free to start a discussion about the idea before making a formal motion. If another member seconds a motion, a vote can be held. I will abstain from voting, but will require a strong two-thirds majority to override my veto.
c) Critiques - Each member can provide at most one critique per story, with a single rebuttal by the author to thank the critic and/or comment to offer the readers the mind set of the story to account for issues raised by the critique. Critiques should be of a professional and constructive manner. Feel free to describe elements that you do and don't like, as these help us gain a better perspective of our potential readers. Remarks deemed inflammatory or derogatory will be flagged and/or removed by the moderator.
9) The winner has THREE days after the start of the new month to make a copy of these rules and post a new contest thread using the theme/items of their choosing. Otherwise, I will post the new contest threads.
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Theme: isolation (self-imposed, involuntary, solo, as a group, etc.)
Required elements: a virus (computer, biological, something that replicates exponentially), unexpected help