it's personal discussion
Journals : T-Z
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too many questions, and none of the answers
my friend invited me to see louis next year for his faith in the future tour, and I'm genuinely so excited. i just need my dad to say i can go so that i can meet one of my favorite people on this earth
the new year's crossover service at church was way too long. everything finished at past 4 am and now my back feels broken. but i just want to say happy new year to everyone. for me, my ending half of 2022 was awful, and i genuinely think that 2023 is going to be better because it has to be. i had a really bad reading year, my mental health is akin to smelly trash, and i have been more withdrawn from certain people. i'm trying to use this break from school to catch up on notes and assignments that have been left on the backburner. and overall, i just really want to start 2023 off on a good foot. i thank God for keeping me until this present moment, and i pray for amazing things in my future. amen.
i kinda just hug my crush all the time now, and it's a normal reoccurring thing between us. and its really nice
it's so hard to help people who are struggling when you are going through hell too
my dad just told me that i can go to the louis concert happening in the summer, and i am so excited. this will be my first concert and i get to go with a friend which will make the experience so much more memorable.
my mom likes to tell me that "you must not like yourself" when i do something stupid. like leave my room a mess for weeks on end, forget to take my vitamins, try my hardest not to take pills because of weird trauma associated with it. it's funny because now she's right so i'm just thinking, "yeah not really lol"
We go ego to ego, starting firesSaying shit we don't mean, I mean we're liars
But the truth is we're messed up and we like it
Shut up, shut up, shut up
~Sabrina Carpenter
if i dont do amazingly well on my test tomorrow after studying for 4 days straight, i am jumping out a window
the only club i care about never has meetings. i can't wait to show the school my leadership skills by taking over book club and showing everyone how to run a club thats supposed to be fun
my dad told me to change my outfit cuz he "saw my cleavage" when there was actually nothing there. that entire encounter ruined my mood completely, and i kept tearing up throughout the day cuz i felt so small in that situation. but at church, i hung out with a little baby and he made me feel better.
i had a really bad headache for almost two days, and when i told my mom she said i should take tylenol. i don't know how to explain to her that swallowing pills is something i actively avoid. therefore, i will avoid pills as long as i can
coming to the realization that your family is dysfunctional<<<<
taking nyquil is akin to taking sleeping pills. i can't wait to get knocked tf out
im gonna be seeing all of these voices, louis' documentary, on march 22 with a friend, and im kind of excited. i've been meaning to get out more, so im happy for the chance to leave my house for something other than school
i hate that whenever i see him, even though it's been months now, my stomach still wants to do cartwheels. like girl pull yourself together cuz if he wanted to, he would have. he didn't text during those two months, but to be fair, neither did i. and it's not like we were super close, but it's still pissing me off knowing that i didn't lose feelings like i thought i did.
yeah sure cheating on an exam is morally wrong or whatever, but here i am, considering it anyway
i wore a green cardigan sweater thing to school today, and by the end of the day, it looked like rags. as i was about to leave my house for school, i noticed a small rip along the seam of my sweater's sleeve. i asked my mom for some safety pins, hoping i could fix it quickly while getting to school. i tried the safety pins, but they didn't work, so i found a string and stuck it through the holes of fabric that used to be connected (it's a knit sweater). i tied the string together which connected the pieces of fabric and made my ripped sleeve look better. by this point, the rip had gotten to my forearm. this whole process took 15-20 minutes and i was happy to have finished literally right before getting to school. but as i lifted my arm to open the door and walk into school, i noticed that there was a rip on my other sleeve too. there was no time to do a quick diy project like i had done on the other sleeve, so i just clutched the newly ripped sleeve in my hand to hold it together. my plan was to wait till lunch and fix this sleeve the way i had done to the other one while driving to school, but by the end of 1st period, the rip on the sleeve had traveled all the way up to my elbow. when lunch came around, one of my friends helped me fix the sleeve by putting a string through the fabric and tying it. however, as i was triple knotting the string, the strain from my arm against my sweater split the seam all the way to the armpit and down my side. (i should probably mention that i did have a shirt on underneath so this wasn't an issue of potential nakedness) basically, my sweater wasn't wearable at this point, so i went to one of the school offices and asked for a sweater.
i find this entire situation hilarious which makes me really happy. i feel like i could have easily hated my day because this happened, but instead im seeing a brighter side to the situation and laughing at my series of unfortunate events. this feels like growth.
louis' documentary was so good! i was kinda hoping he would talk about the band more, but i loved the parts with freddie, and honestly just seeing louis with his family was the best thing ever for me. watching the documentary has made me more excited about the concert over the summer.
im such a fake melanie fan, i literally just learned the release date of her new album
a friend that i haven't spoken to for 3 months just texted me and i don't know how to feel
i genuinely enjoy making slide presentations
i love melanie's album, portals! right now, my favorites are nymphology, evil, and faerie soiree
i went mini golfing today and tied for first place even though i haven't played since i was like 9
you ever wonder what people would say at your funeral if given the chance? of course you have, but have you thought about it in real depth? cuz now my head hurts trying to imagine myself as my closest friends, and i'm this close to writing their speeches
You're losing sightYou're losing touch
All these little things seem to matter so much
That they confuse you
That I might lose you
Take a moment remind yourself to
Take a moment and find yourself
Take a moment to ask yourself if
This is how we fall apart?
But it's not, but it's not, but it's not, but it's not, but it's not
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay
You've got nothing, got nothing, got nothing, got nothing to fear
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here
~ Steven Universe
i am not a mean person just because i don't want to hang out with certain people. if the friend group that i am in wants to hang out in a week, we can't just invite random people to join us. we aren't friends with everyone and that is ok, please stop inviting people who are gonna be uncomfortable with us anyway. inviting f is a bad idea, cuz she isn't close friends with any of us, so inviting her to go out and eat would ultimately leave her feeling ostracized cuz we would have to force conversation with someone we don't usually interact with. like don't get me wrong, i adore f, but speaking from experience, it wouldn't end very well. which leads me to my next point, maybe i have just had too many bad experiences with friend groups. cuz j didn't seem to understand when i was explaining why we should not invite f, so maybe j has always had a "stable" friend group.
my mom just told me that if i still want her around, i should "take pity on" her. basically, she just told me that if i don't want her to die, i should continue taking our home remedies to kill outside germs, which i have been doing anyway. there was a point when i stopped because i didn't feel it was necessary, but now i take them without fail after every outing. and i do this for my mom, not for myself. sometimes, it just shocks me when she says things like that, which is often but oh well
i'm starting to feel bad about my post yesterday because my mom had a health scare and had to go to the er
if i think too hard about it, i realize how much i wanna hurt myself so it's a good thing i have a bunch of homework to occupy my thoughts
i've been kind of happy recently, so now i think something is going to go wrong soon
happy hour is over, everything has gone to sh*t again
it's weird seeing old friends living life as if you never existed. it sucks more cuz at one point they were everything to me
officially done with school for the summer, and there are quite a few people im just never gonna see again
im sitting here making excuses for someone who genuinely doesn't know how to love me better. they're always making mistakes and blaming others instead of taking accountability. im not happy and they can't tell and it's so draining being with them every day
this season of love island is eating it up. i truly appreciate the entertainment
ive had a continuous headache for about 12 hours now and i don't know why
also my mom told me, basically, that Jesus doesn't love me. but then she was super kind to me for the rest of the day. i think she felt bad
i finished watching steven universe a few days ago, and i couldn't stop crying. like i love that show so much
it feels like i've ruined any chance of me getting the future i want
one of my favorite genres is dark fiction/depressing books because i can convince myself that all my sadness is directed at the characters within the pages and not at my own reality
but you remember to breathe and count to 10do exactly as your joyful therapist says
praying for a miracle you know you won't get
because you aren't right in your crowded head
so you will sit in the corner you started in
hoping that someone lets you swim
through the lengths of their mind because it's definitely
better than the mess you harbor desperately
an old lady said i was pretty while i was at the store, and it made me smile. idk why but if an elderly person compliments me, im more inclined to believe them than if someone my age told me the same thing
i accidentally broke a glass cup when i pushed in the top rack of my dishwasher because i wasnt happy, idek what emotion i was feeling but i feel really bad
i watched the summer i turned pretty, and it was awful
i just finished watching wednesday, and i loved it. now that i have a renewed love for jenna ortega, im currently watching the fallout