it's personal discussion
Journals : T-Z
>
too many questions, and none of the answers
message 51:
by
Esther
(new)
Apr 18, 2020 09:35AM
I HAVE A FRIEND??
reply
|
flag
With the schools shut down for the rest of the academic year, I have been basically alone. Until......ETo called me and said she was just as lonely as I was. I called her back and we have been communicating since.
Loving someone and being IN LOVE with someone are 2 completely different things. I love a lot of people, I don't think I have ever been In Love. I want to.
I believe in Love at first sight, just not the way it seems to always be. The second you look at someone, you can love them. We are supposed to love everyone after all. I don't believe in Falling in Love at first sight. Falling in Love is the "development of strong feelings of attachment and love, usually towards another person." These feelings need time to grow and cannot form in the second it takes to look someone in the eye.
I am really sad.I had an Internet Friend whom I loved very much. But...the guilt of using this website which I never told my parents about, was too much for me to handle. I had to say goodbye to him. I miss him. I was waiting before deleting my account to say Goodbye to him, and now that I have, I am so sad. He said, "Goodbye wonderful lady." I said bye, I love you, I'll never forget you. I deleted my account before he could answer.
I want to feel accepted and I don't. No matter what I do, there is that underlying hint of disdain. I crave love, and I dont know when I am going to feel it again.
I just came back from a 30 minute walk.
All school work is ending this week!!! Then we have End of Year Testing next week.
Getting to know Me - factsAPPEARANCE
[] I am shorter than 5'4".
[] I have many scars
[] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I wear glasses
[] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[] I have freckles.
[] My eyes change colors
FAMILY
[] I've sworn at my parents.
[] I've run away from home.
[] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one-year-old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I want to adopt someday
[] I have more than 5 siblings
SCHOOL/WORK
[x] I'm in school
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[] I always do my homework.
[] I've missed a week or more of school.
[] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[x] I've stolen something from my school.
EMBARRASSMENT
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[] I've glued my hand to something
[] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I've face-planted at school/work in front of many people
HEALTH
[] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[] I have a disease/impairment.
[x] I've broken a bone.
[] I have dislocated something.
[] I've had my tonsils removed.
[] I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[] I had serious surgery.
[] I've had chickenpox.
[] I have/(had) asthma.
EXPERIENCES
[] I've gotten lost in my city
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[] I've seen a meteor shower.
[x] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[] I've been skydiving.
[] I've gone skinny dipping.
[] I've played spin the bottle.
[] I've drunk a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] I've crashed a car.
[] I've been skiing
[x] I've been in a play.
[] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[] I've sat on a rooftop at night.
[] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[] I've eaten Sushi.
[] I've been snowboarding.
RELATIONSHIPS
[] I've gone on a blind date.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[] I've told someone I loved them and didn't get a clear response.
[x] I've felt rejected even if I wasn't.
[x] I've loved someone I knew a friend was already in love with.
HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[] I've been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES
[] I've consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can't swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem.
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorders
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[] I've woken up crying.
DEATH
[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[] I hate funerals.
[] I've seen someone die
[x] I've had someone close to me die.
~Taken From Tumblr and https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...
My life has changed so much since I last posted here.
1. no2. no
3. yes
4. no
5. i don't think so
6. no
7. yes
8. no
9. yes
10. no
11. no
12. yes
13. possibly but i'm not sure
14. yes
15. i have absolutely no idea but it's probably a disney movie16. Keep Driving by Harry Styles, Nonsense by Sabrina Carpenter, Only the Brave and Copy of a Copy of a Copy by Louis Tomlinson
17. i don't have one
18. Red, White, and Royal Blue
21. cookies22. twitter
23. sprite
25. tea
27. sagittarius30. my 4c hair
32. single
33. no34. no
35. eh
36. yes
37. yes
38. no
39. no
I rode my bike in the rain, and I felt like that one guy rushing to his girlfriend's house to let her know that she was a bet before someone else does.
My parents keep commenting on my weight, and it is actually a problem. Like, I actually need them to stop telling me to eat more when I'm not hungry.
My dad was just casually transphobic, but I genuinely think he's just extremely confused.
I was supposed to be asleep 2 hours ago. I don't know why, but recently getting to sleep has been difficult. It's so easy to stay awake doing nothing important while pretending that I can't go to sleep unless I get stuff done.
She's so pretty when she goes down on meDark-skinned eager baby, blue sweater out the laundry
She tells me she's gentle when she wants to be
So I think she wants to be gentle with me
~ touch tank
I accidentally introduced one of my friends to Goodreads. They made an account and asked me for my username so they could friend me, which isn't a problem. Except for the part where I am in this group and they could very easily find this journal. Which is a problem.
FAITH IN THE FUTURENOVEMBER 11TH
SOMEONE SEDATE ME
I actually had a really good day. I went out with some friends, and even though it was raining, we still had a lot of fun. Literally, the whole day, P and I were making 1D and Larry-related jokes, and our friends would just stare at us as we laughed ridiculously loud. I also gave P a ring that said "TPWK the tommo way" and she loved it so much! I'm honestly proud of myself for thinking of that gift in the first place.
It's so annoying to look at yourself in the mirror and not find one thing you love about yourself.
i've been distancing myself from a lot of my friends and i literally don't know why. i feel like i'm not doing it purposely, but it just ends up happening and i feel bad about it. i think im in a negative head space too often but i have no idea how to get out, so my day always feels like the worst one i've ever had and then i act like a b*tch to all my friends.
I should not be left to my own devicesThey come with prices and vices, I end up in crisis
(Tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving
'Cause you got tired of my scheming
(For the last time)
It's me
Hi
I'm the problem, it's me
At teatime
Everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero
- Taylor Swift
i'm so mentally exhausted, like doing simple things feels impossible now
In my very humble opinion, Faith in the Future >>> Walls
yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. i have a list of really bad days, like really bad days. those days when im sobbing and my wrists itch. so yeah yesterday is on that list now. but thats not the point, i mainly wanted to say that my back hurts a lot right now and i don't know why, but i don't think it's fair that im currently suffering mentally and physically
i have conversations in my head about what i would say to my parents if i wasn't so scared. i'd tell them how im not doing good even though i say that each time they ask about my day.
i'd tell them i wanna see a therapist again, that i only stopped because it felt like they were uncomfortable with me not being perfectly ok.
i'd tell them that im really into poetry but too scared of embarrassment to show people what i have written so far.
i'd tell them a bunch of stuff if it was guaranteed that they would listen and not hate me for the things i think
my dad talked to me about my grade in one class and asked me why i did so badly on a quiz we just had. i started crying which was so embarrassing, but i took a chance and tried to explain how i've been feeling about the academic pressure he and mom put on me. i subtly hinted at me not being ok, but he said, "it's just a phase." i love my father with all of my heart, but my will to have him understand me flew out a f*cking window when he said that. i don't even care right now, im so mentally exhausted. i think i need a vacation where pressure, expectations, and school just don't exist.
i just wish i was better at everything. i mess everything up it's actually so annoying. i don't have time for an emotional breakdown every time i screw my life up
i have a crush on two people right now. one of them is an actual crush, like i see them in the halls and start smiling. the other one is a problem, a headache, a why-do-i-work-like-this crush. i look at them and hate how my stomach wants to do cartwheels because of it. i can barely think about them, and the worst part is that they like me too.
im thankful for everyone who associates with me even though i laugh too loudly and sneeze weirdly. im thankful for everyone who looks at me and likes what they see. im thankful for everyone who has ever made me feel like the opposite of a fuck-up for as little as a minute. im thankful for my family and everyone im close to, and i pray that my future is filled with amazing things and a mentally sound me. happy thanksgiving to all who celebrate, and to those who don't, i wish you the absolute best in all your endeavors.
I'm not worried about where you areOr who you will go home to, I'm
Just thinkin' about you
~Harry Styles
i've been much better mentally, thank God. i think my mental health is more of a fluctuating thing that really messes with my mood and how i treat people. i want to eventually get to a point where my mental health is, for the most part, always in a good place. if im good mentally then i think i will be better able to keep my emotions in check as opposed to letting my emotions control my day to day.
half of the things on my spotify wrapped, i haven't listened to in like 5 months
Now, my mama's preaching to make sure I'm pureBut, I never really cared about that shit before
Look around the room to whoever wants me
~Melanie Martinez
if i think too hard about it, i realize that in some ways i've turned into the people i used to hate
yesterday was my birthday, and i can honestly say i had a great time. im thankful i lived to see another year with friends and family by my side, and i pray that i see many more birthdays in my future. amen
