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I’m a new author and would value your feedback 😊
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Beth
(new)
Aug 09, 2018 08:59AM
What started as a weird ass dream has turned into a 76,000 word book lol. It’s book one of a series ( I’ve started book 2 already) you can read the prologue and first three chapters to my debut book here 😊 https://www.wattpad.com/517552278-ear.... I would greatly value your feedback as it’s a very original story concept. Thank you in advance for helping a newbie !!!! any advice or tips would be greatly received 😊
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I’m three sentences in and we need to talk about commas. (Just so you know, I was a professional proofreader and editor for years.) So, your first two paragraphs:
We should have known someone or something, would step in and save our planet. Who could blame anyone for trying to save the planet, we'd been steadily destroying for centuries! Let's face it we couldn't possibly be the only inhabitants of a planet in the whole universe. Especially when you considered how much evidence there was, of ancient aliens and proof of UFOs being seen, not only recently but in ancient history records. +
We had tried to change our ways we really did. However our farmers had already poisoned our soil with pesticides for decades, and purely for profit. Such as wheat farmers who were using pesticides just before a harvest, so their wheat crops would yield more.
Wow, Wattpad, that was a PITA to copy and paste. Anyway....
The first sentence: remove the comma. It’s extraneous. Second sentence, ditto.
Third sentence: there should be a comma after “Let’s face it”.
The fourth sentence should technically be part of the third, but as a style thing it’s perfectly fine. I write that way, too, so no biggie. HOWEVER, there should not be a comma between “was” and “of”.
Fifth sentence: after “ways” there should be a semicolon. You can get away with a comma there. Or make it an entirely new sentence. It will be a fragment, but again it’s a style choice.
Sixth sentence: add comma after “However”. Either elide the comma after “decades” or the “and”. If the former, add a dash. Either way, replace the period with a comma. The final comma is correct.
Look at how much easier it is to read with those changes:
We should have known someone or something would step in and save our planet. Who could blame anyone for trying to save the planet we'd been steadily destroying for centuries! Let's face it, we couldn't possibly be the only inhabitants of a planet in the whole universe. Especially when you considered how much evidence there was of ancient aliens and proof of UFOs being seen, not only recently but in ancient history records. +
We had tried to change our ways; we really did. However, our farmers had already poisoned our soil with pesticides for decades - and purely for profit, such as wheat farmers who were using pesticides just before a harvest, so their wheat crops would yield more.
Don’t feel bad. Commas are the most abused punctuation and for some reason they aren’t taught as much as they should be.
You have some missing words later on and some redundancies which can be eliminated. Since you know what it’s supposed to say, you’re probably just mentally filling those missing words in and glossing over the repetition. A proofreading trick is to read it backwards, so individual words and phrases stick out.
Your spelling is fine for the most part, but I suspect autocorrect has tripped you up by splitting compound words in two. Apple products are particularly bad at this, rendering words like “throwaway” into “throw away.” Those are two *very* different concepts and they change the meaning of your sentences.
Hmm, maybe not. Now that I reread your post, you wrote, “What started as a weird ass dream”, which should be “weird-ass”. With the space in there it can be read as an “ass dream”. Probably not the image you were going for.
Thank you so much Trik !! Your feedback is awesome and greatly received !!! I usually write songs so book writing is totally new to me. I appreciate your honest and helpful advice !!!
Going off of the pasted part above, the sentence that jumped out at me is: "We tried to change our ways, we really did." There is an earnestness about it I usually don't see. So based on that I went to Wattpad.The prologue, while interesting, I found to be way too long. It told me about things I already know, which is okay in brief but not in lots of detail, then there was some about the future (more interesting), however by that time I wanted to get to the story. It starts when she wakes and the description of her and the other woman.
Hope that helps. Get more feedback. This is just one person's two cents. :) Good luck on it! It's an accomplishment to write a full length novel and put it out there.
I truly appreciate your honest feedback angel !!! Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know !!! It all really helps 😊😊
I have taken all feedback on board and have been editing. Thank you all again for the advice and help. It is greatly appreciated!!
My advice, always tell yourself: professionals built the titanic while an amateur built the ark. 🙂
Jarod wrote: "My advice, always tell yourself: professionals built the titanic while an amateur built the ark. 🙂"So she just needs to get the creator of the universe to do all the hard work for her and put his thumb on the scale for her to succeed?
Pressing the “instawin” button kinda takes the fun out of it.
