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Blurb Help - paranormal romance - CLAWED. (rewrite at the bottom)
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My reactions as I read it... how does she sense something is wrong? Oh, roars in the forest. Okay, that would alarm anyone. But, she's ignoring it (why?) for Carter Rollins (who?) Is everyone ignoring the roars in the forest?
And who is Sarah? She's mentioned twice without any explanation as to who she is.
I'm also curious how secret these camp secrets are if they're apparently shared with anyone who comes up there.
Dwayne wrote: "Kind of all over the place. This reads as if this girl was tossed in a cage and then joined the JROTC. Not crazy about this sentence, either: "She senses something isn't right but decides to ignore..."Thank you, Dwayne. I was trying something new by adding the cliffhanger first...Maybe that was the wrong move.
The story is a spinoff of my other series. Anyone who reads it knows this girl has a unique ability. She can talk to animals but she doesn't know it yet...the roars she can only hear.
I didn't know how to add Sarah without making it a big long paragraph. She's only one of her friends. Carter, on the other hand, I'll fix that.
The secrets? Well, Christa is the only one who gets a little inside scoop. By the end, she figures out the secret, the camp is a pride.
This was my first attempt at writing this so I wanted some feedback. Thanks again.
My first problem was with "thrown into a cage". Is this a metaphor or real? Starting with a cliff-hanger without a cliff is just puzzling. The next three paragraphs seem to me to have a lot of disconnect, as indicated by Dwayne. Then, finally, cat food? Is that another metaphor? My overall comment is it is too long and mentions far too much without clarifying what the various things and people are.
It’s a bit confusing. Where or what is the cage. And when does it happen. I’d be looking at around a third of the words too
Ian wrote: "My first problem was with "thrown into a cage". Is this a metaphor or real? Starting with a cliff-hanger without a cliff is just puzzling. The next three paragraphs seem to me to have a lot of disc..."Thank you for your thoughts! They are literally thrown in a cage but I am taking that out. The cat food, the people who took them are shape shifting panthers.
Jane wrote: "It’s a bit confusing. Where or what is the cage. And when does it happen. I’d be looking at around a third of the words too"
Thank you! I am rewriting it. I will add the new version to see what you all think of it.
Tonya, I don't know enough about the story to suggest text, but shape shifting panthers seems worth putting in if you want to have a cage and cat food, but I would put them together and forget about cliff-hanging starts.Maybe one paragraph which introduces Christa, Carter, the camp, and a clue as to how these panthers turn up?
I'd start with paragraph 3, but agree with Dwayne's comments as well.
Thank you, Ian and Ann! Here is the newer version. What do you all think of it?
IDEA #2
Inconceivable secrets reveal an unbelievable truth...
All I wanted was a family.
So I surrounded myself with the only friends I've ever had and joined JROTC so I could feel the want of a family unit.
When we went to a two-week summer camp in the mountains of Kentucky, Carter Rollins, the leader, tempted me with always being desired. If I joined his Army Pride, I’d have the connections I'd dreamed of.
Yet something was mystifying about the boy with eyes like an autumn sky. Maybe it was his rugged exterior or his entrancing demeanor. When a group of rogue campers took my friend Sarah and I, I never imagined how accurate my senses were.
A fictitious legend shifted before my eyes...
To escape, I will have to use every trick I’ve ever learned, but getting out may lead me into the path of a deadlier enemy.
Tonya, the style is getting better, but I think it could still do with contraction, so as to leave some room to highlight these cats. From the title, I would imagine they are really significant.
It's better. Perhaps try missing out the first line? 'All I wanted was a family' would be a good start I think. I'm not sure about 'the want of a family unit'. Maybe 'the love of a family unit'?
It can take quite a few attempts to get the blurb you're happy with.
Thank you all! I'm getting closer with each attempt.
What is the JROTC? If someone hasn't read the previous books but comes across the third, it might put them off not knowing or assuming it has to do with army training - is it? IMO acronyms or abbreviations, especially in a blurb, should be made clear the first time they appear. My 2¢
Mod
Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps. It's a real organization, not exclusive to Tonya's books. You do have a point that not everyone knows this acronym.
Indeed, Dwayne, books are read across borders, not just in the USA :>)
Genevieve and Dwayne.Yes, it is a real thing. A great program! I will spell it out in the blurb.
Thanks for all your help!
I wondered what JROTC meant. Good idea to spell it out.
Please let me know if you think...any comments are welcome.
A Panther's Pride Saga Bk 1 CLAWED
young adult/paranormal romance
Christa Taylor thought being a foster kid was the worst thing to happen to her. Until she and Sarah were kidnapped and thrown in a cage.
Looking for the family she has always wanted, Christa joins JROTC her sophomore year of high school. Doing so, introduced her to the friends she couldn't imagine living life without.
When Christa and her friends go to a remote camp in the mountains of Kentucky, they are welcomed with open arms and intrigued by the camps secrets. She senses something isn't right but decides to ignore the roars in the forest when Carter Rollins sweeps her off her feet.
Christa never knew strangers could come together as a family until an unimaginable consequence puts her life in jeopardy.
Can Christa escape her bonds by using her wits and training or will she and Sarah become cat food?