Query--Fantasy

[Joseph]

Hello all,

I am not very good at this query business. I workshopped this to death in another forum, but just wrote a completely new draft and am seeking fresh eyes. Below is just the pitch of the query. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

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Elijah is grateful his island has faded from the world’s memory, for he has lost too much protecting it. Childhood, friends, love: all sacrifices in the name of duty. His grief has turned to rage, and now he blames his sister Vesta, the wish granter, for everything. She is what they come for, the desire that poisons their minds, the pawn they wish to control. She is weak, her power limited and unable to undo the past.

Nevermind Vesta knows her brother’s pain and feels responsible for losses beyond her control. Nevermind she is a sacrificial vessel to her people, only honored so long as her limited powers remain. Nevermind she only desires freedom from her role and peace for her brother. None of this matters to Elijah.

But now the tide has flipped, and the wind has sent Vesta’s name across the Meteor Sea once more.

One day, pale faced strangers set foot on the sand. They claim the wind has cast them awry, but Elijah feels they harbor vile intent, so again he readies himself for battle, sacrifice, and loss.

As storms loom over the island, Elijah must face the encroaching world while tempering his growing anger. Both threaten to destroy him, either with madness or death.

THE PHANTOM FROM THE WEST is an 80,000-word fantasy-adventure story.

[Janeal]

Recommendations:
-cut “She is weak, her power limited and unable to undo the past.”

(This seems repetitive)

I like the repetition in the second paragraph, but it is confusing. Without knowing more details about the world, it is unclear what Vesta’s sacrifices are, and why her brother despises her so much.

Other than these concerns, it seems like you show the stakes and overall plot (which seems really interesting!) well.

I hope this helps! I’m in the same boat with too much workshopping on my query. I would love to get your feedback as well: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...

[Joseph]

Thanks! So the first paragraph doesn't do a good enough job showing Elijah despises his sister because he blames her for everything he's lost?

[Janeal]

Joseph wrote: "Thanks! So the first paragraph doesn't do a good enough job showing Elijah despises his sister because he blames her for everything he's lost?"

I think the first paragraph does a great job of getting this across. The second paragraph doesn't seem necessary for the query.

[Joseph]

Thank you!

[Troy]

I didn't like that knows part. What do you think of

It didn't matter. Vesta had an deep understanding of her brother's blight and despite her inability to offer aid or comfort felt ultimately responsible. Being a mere sacrificial lamb for her people, Vesta's thoughts remained on her ever decreasing power and freedom. In the end though. thinking of such things seemed pointless and it was perhaps best not to linger on such selfish reasoning.

How does it sound or is it crap?