it's personal discussion
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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
If you want to deny that I'm me and expect something else from me, go ahead. I know myself enough to predict exactly what I will and won't do.
You've been predicting that for quite a while now and I am not trying to deny that u r not you. It doesn't mean u can't feel differently about things over time.
I've done most of what I predicted. I predicted I'd have a bad year - got that! Predicted I would flunk - oh yay, look at my grades! Predicted I would do something crazy and frowned upon by my friends and family - wait, I did more than one of those. Predicted I would try to kill myself at least two times this year - did that two plus another I-lost-count-of-how-many-times. Let's say I started this journal as soon as I started this 'I want to kill myself' talk, which was two years ago. Time's passed, and yep, things are different. I went for "No, suicide and self-harm isn't good, but I'm still curious why this person committed suicide," to "I want to cut," to "I tried to stop cutting, but dang it!" to "I think I should kill myself," to "So and so committed suicide?! Oh no! Wait, could I follow their method? What's the success rate?" to "I give up. I'll just look myself. Just double the dose from last time."
Overview of the past 5 years. If you just look at me right now, you'd know that it isn't going to change for good.
Well it's not going to change on it's own, now is it?
So you think I planned for the change from 'I'm innocent little Hallie' to 'I'm a bitch'?Besides, clearly I'm not going to change.
No, you deny change. I don't think you planned to be who you are now and I am in now way implying that who you are today is who you shouldn't be, but clearly if you wanted to change this feeling and this need to kill yourself, you would have at least tried to allow it. You avoid it. You find excuses to make it sound like the only viable option you could ever have. Your last line proves that.
I didn't plan it, right? And somehow I didn't deny the change from "I like pretty things" to "I want to drop dead" without anyone in real life realising. Let me tell you a story. Once, I got fed up and started talking about my feelings, and both my parents turned their faces away telling my brother, the only one who actually wanted to listen, to "not encourage her because she'll start crying." My parents are hypocrites, alright? I legit fought a war to declare that I'm taking English lit in uni, and they are still not okay with it completely - all patronising and mocking when the topic comes up. I begged to take French in school, and guess what they did? Yes, I could have changed my whole life and friends if I had taken French. I have amazing friends in that class, and they have been better people to me than my own so-called friends. I could have changed and I wanted to change. And I knew I would do a lot better there. Every single fucking time I try to fucking change, these two idiots pop up just to stop me. So this change you're saying I never tried - the best method to start would be to remove my parents out of the picture. Should I do that? I don't want to do that. I don't want to be one of those kids who puts their parents in an old age home and never bother about them ever again. I don't want to be around either, but I at least want to say, "Hi. This is for you." I can't do both simultaneously.
Does this sound like an excuse to you? Alright, fine. Only my brother and I would know, right?
Bleh it's January 1st 2019 already. *gets out of bed to puke*
HALLIE IT'S 2019 I'm so happy to be spending another year knowing you!
MAYS THAT IS SOOOO CUTE AND THE FIRST NEW YEAR WISHING I'VE RECEIVED THAT I ACTUALLY LIKED AND DOES NOT MAKE HE FELL ENTIRELY LIKE A BAG HORSE POOP!!!!!I'm not sure why I said that in caps xP
BUT HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU TOO!
And I'm lucky to know you!
Stuff I Should Probably Do In 2019
• To drop dead.
If everything else fails.
• Get into uni.
• Read more than last year and the year before and the year before.
• Write more.
• Kick out friends from real life.
• Master guitar and make more songs.
• Learn to drive.
To drOP WHATYour post brightened my day ok thank you so much for taking the day to leave a message ajsbsghdn also you know what let's both try to get into uni to continue with our lives and make things easier that's a promise
I don't know what you mean by average but it's more than enough! Also besides the first point, I love that list (not sure about the 5th but if you're talking about toxic friendships then sure)
I mean to say dear? I have a pet dear?Ahem! *shines Make Maya Feel Better Squad badge* Although you'll get in, and I'll probably get in, it's worth a shot I guess.
Haha it's kind of a nice list for something I made up within two minutes xD Most of my friendships are super...... I don't want to have those anymore.
How come my entire extended family was up at 12? I thought they all.....
And I finally got to show S and H my new haircut, and they said they liked it!
I actually feel a lot worse now. Thanks!
And why is half the world born on Jan 1st?!
Hallie wrote: "And why is half the world born on Jan 1st?!"xD
I can relate to that phrase
Hallie wrote: "Stuff I Should Probably Do In 2019• To drop dead.
If everything else fails.
• Get into uni.
• Read more than last year and the year before and the year before.
• Write more.
• Kick out friends ..."
Wait, you know to play the guitar?! :D
Deepthi wrote: "Hallie wrote: "And why is half the world born on Jan 1st?!"xD
I can relate to that phrase"
xD
Deepthi wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Stuff I Should Probably Do In 2019• To drop dead.
If everything else fails.
• Get into uni.
• Read more than last year and the year before and the year before.
• Write more.
• Ki..."
Yeah, kind of. Not as much as I can play the keyboard, but I'm working on it. I can play few basic chords, and I'm trying to make tabs for the lyrics I wrote :)
Hallie wrote: "Deepthi wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Stuff I Should Probably Do In 2019• To drop dead.
If everything else fails.
• Get into uni.
• Read more than last year and the year before and the year before.
• ..."
That's great!
Gtg.. mom's calling :(
Deepthi wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Deepthi wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Stuff I Should Probably Do In 2019• To drop dead.
If everything else fails.
• Get into uni.
• Read more than last year and the year before and the ..."
Well, my skills as a musician are not so great xD
Bye!
Alright, the first people who kills me gets to keep my entire book collection!I am dead serious. Please, I'm fucked.
Well, my hopes to get back to roleplaying has officially sunk in the deep, deep waters, so I can say goodbye to that!
Mum: Cousin M and M2 got their results, and they both have really great grades. Both of them. Extremely good!Me: Thanks Mum! I'll just go hang myself then. You think either of those two will come to my funeral? Oh wait, I know the answer already.
This is why I don't stay positive. It's not worth the suffering. It's never worth it.
Parents always compare their kids to their cousins or friends, maybe it's universal xD totally uncalled for, though
I swear when I rule the world, I will annihilate all parents who compare!
But hey, this is the year I turn old enough to legally drink. Cheer up, Hal!
We have pesticides that I can use, right?
Can everybody please stop existing?
If I die right now, do you think people will come over for my funeral even though it's not been a complete year since grandpa passed away?
So here's the plan: I'll die, and one of you send the message to me.
My Math exam is tomorrow, and I know enough stuff to get three marks. Out of hundred.
Since no one is willing to kill me/let me kill myself, can someone at least give me directions to fake a seizure? I'll do better in Biology.
Hallie wrote: "Since no one is willing to kill me/let me kill myself, can someone at least give me directions to fake a seizure? I'll do better in Biology."
How do I have five followers on my new account?!
Hallie wrote: "My Math exam is tomorrow, and I know enough stuff to get three marks. Out of hundred."*continues to fool around with new camera app by taking pictures of textbook and checking whether the clarity is better than the inbuilt camera*
Hallie wrote: "We have pesticides that I can use, right?"Apparently we do, but those are unopened :(
Meh I'm going to fail, and there's a high possibility I don't even have to tell my parents. I'll just do whatever I feel like and leave the rest up to luck.
May͛a wrote: "Parents always compare their kids to their cousins or friends, maybe it's universal xD totally uncalled for, though"Trust me... That ALWAYS happens
I guess I'm going to write for ten minutes of the exam, and plan my death for the remaining two hours and fifty minutes (?) You know I can't do Math, so don't expect me to subtract ten from three hours right.
I did? Wow! Breaking news, everyone! Hallie was correct after she subtracted two numbers!
Hallie wrote: "Yeah, but I'm still fail tomorrow."Nah, you won't
*magically appears in UK to help Hallie with her Math exam*
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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You shouldn't either!