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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
message 9801:
by
Hallie
(new)
May 19, 2018 03:16AM
I need a drink, but of course idiot me finished all of it two days ago.
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But right now we don't even have drinking water.
My brother heard yanni! 😱😱😱😱😵😵😵😵😵 He said there is no way it's laurel. But my mum heard laurel.
Holy crap I totally forgot that today is the royal wedding!
xD Sorry you had to wake up to that.
Maybe if I ignored everyone, I'd be able to deal with school better. Or at least until I manage to delete memories of me.
Mykayla wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Maybe if I ignored everyone, I'd be able to deal with school better. Or at least until I manage to delete memories of me."you cant delete memories until you are ready and willing t..."
Yeah, I am.
An Insignificant Tangent
Forgive me for this, but I need to get this out; I couldn't even sleep thanks to this shit.
I suppose it would be rather blatant that I'm completely messed up right now. Yeah, and I'm just continuing to mess up because for some reason, I don't have the courage or motivation to not screw up. Normally - historically - I'd succumb to the fear of consequences of messing up like this and just attempt not to, but for some reason, I don't care right now. At the moment, it's nothing. I speculate that when I do get in trouble, I'll be regretting it and cursing myself. That's Hallie for you. I'm working on it: not to avoid the consequences by being good and doing the right thing. To remain absolutely insouciant no matter how dire those consequences are. That's why I'm watching 13 Reasons Why instead of memorising facts in Biology or trying to understand what the heck limits and derivatives are. Why on earth would I ever need limits anyway?! I'm supposed to be destined to rise higher than my brother by studying English Literature.
Speaking of English Literature, let's face the facts: I'm an awful writer. My poems and stories are crap. My sentence structure, my writing style, my inadequate vocabulary (no, no, no - don't bring up 'ersatz'), my ideas in general - they are atrocious. And what the hell is grammar?! I'm always correcting people when they say something grammatically incorrect when I'm the same. What does that make me? A bloody hypocrite.
I've been afraid that my parents will never let me pursue my dreams for so long that I can't even remember what exactly my dream was. But I do know that whatever it was, I know that it's not happening. I'm never going to achieve it. Ever. I'm just going to be a failure, and that is exactly what I'm afraid of. Failure. Or at least used to because now even that doesn't matter anymore. I've heard the shit my parents talk about one of my cousins who just got his degree even though he was born the year before my brother was born. He failed his final exams. They say that my aunt defends him by saying that he was taking care of grandma when her illness for worse - and a lot of other patronising stuff that makes me want to throw rocks at them. I don't want that. I'd rather be dead than having to be talked about like that - even if it's true. I'd rather be "that city girl who killed herself" than "that girl who stopped studying after year 10". Which is why I don't care what the aftermath of me killing myself will be. I just need to get out of here and disappear.
Oh, and then there's school. I'm taking subjects I don't even like. I'm sitting in a classroom getting glared at by most of my teachers because I don't know..... Possibly because I might look like I'm not paying attention. I sit in a classroom withfriendspeople who don't give a damn about me. I mean I could scream 'Hey people. I'm going to kill myself!' and not one of them will even let those words be processed by their brains before letting it out of the other ear. How do I know? Trust me, I've said it. Multiple times. Almost did it in front of them. No, did do it right under their noses. Most recently said 'Yeah, I'm going jump off this building' to my friend and walked all the way to the edge of the corridor. Did I ever mention that since I was afraid of heights, I usually steer clear away from those? It doesn't matter. Just like one of those classmates right said, I'm just useless. I've attended every single school day and yet, I'm a stranger there. I just don't fit in there. No, I don't fit in anywhere. Not at school, not at home, not anywhere. The mold growing in the unused cubicles in the lavatory are more popular than me. Popularity.... That's not what I want. I just want someone who can.... What's the point? Such a person doesn't even exist.
I genuinely can't remember how long I've been so... I don't know.... But things are kind of fuzzy to me right now and my brain is messing up everything in my head. My memories for instance: I can't seem to remember things clearly at all. I can't differentiate between what really happened and what was a part of a dream! It's disappointing; looking at something and finding it different from what I remember.
Anyone reading this - if anyone is reading this - you'll be thinking, 'This is just all about you, Hallie.' Yep, how selfish and self-centred of me! I more than agree. Albeit candidly, ever since my tutor passed away in November 2016 - a week or so before I started this journal - I've been a maniac. It was little when it started and I attributed that to unexpectedly losing someone I admired, but it's been more than a year. Sure I lost another teacher who I honestly hated a lot and my grandfather, but it can't be deaths of people I know messing me up. Would you like to know why? It's because I'm a cold-hearted, spiteful monster who isn't script affected by deaths. I'm not kidding, I shrugged off deaths of almost everyone I've personally met. So that isn't it.
Then what? I don't know.... All I know is that I'm pretty stupid and I did a lot of stupid stuff and now it won't let me be in peace. Ever since November 2016, I haven't felt right. I haven't felt free or able to do anything without some kind of anxiety. Summer last year, for instance - I was allowed to turn the house upside down. I didn't want to do that; I just wanted to be on my own and enjoy it, but I couldn't. I felt judged every minute and even though I still did it anyway, it was unsatisfying and incomplete. This feeling just got worse when I transferred and now I can't do anything. Not even play the guitar I've always yearned or borrow the books I want to from the library. It's suffocating.
And then last night, I realized that I've always been doing stuff for others. I haven't been doing anything for myself. I'm unable to do anything for myself. My mum keeps saying that I should study for myself and not for her, but honestly, I'm doing these subjects for my parents. To please them. I'm pretending to know people to please others. I'm not going to school for myself; I'm not laughing for myself; it's like I'm not living for myself.
And of course, the phone addiction my parents keep chastising me about. Well, I'm still going to argue that this phone has kept me alive for so long. I'm just piling stuff for me to do here so that I can stay, but I'm not sure if it's working anymore. Besides, if there's anyone more upset that I need to rely on my phone for company and entertainment every damn time, it's me. I'm such a loner and a loser that I need to stare at my phone all day to have something to do. Introvert problems.
Over the past one and a half year (?), I've had just two days I could survive without having to think of dying or anything. Just two days of being happy for more than an hour without getting high on anything. So please, just.... Just forget about me if I disappear, alright? All I'm going to do is ignore people, situations for a while until I can figure out how to get rid of all my emails, decide what to do with my groups, and destroy evidence that I could have ever been depressed, and like Mykayla said earlier, delete the good memories of me by replacing them with different ones. So please.
I had more to cry about last night, but like I said, my memory is horrible and I can't even remember any of it.
I agree with you when you said you felt your parents wouldn’t support your dreams and your ideas and plans: and I feel the same way. I imagine they won’t support me or anyone really. But just to tell you this: maybe we can support each other. You might not think of it as a great idea but I think it actually might work. Hopefully you might think of it as great.A yes the phone addiction that allows us to survive. I feel you! I cannot remember how many times I’ve gone over our limit just because I use this phone to survive. I can also agree with that.
Hallie wrote: "I don't know how, but somehow I have a cut on my leg. How the heck did that get there?!"OML! THIS IS SORCERY
jay wrote: "Hallie wrote: "What?!?!?! Need to go stalk get journal now!"conspiracy theory: everyone in this group has a partner. the partners are connected in some physical way. you and Lil are partners and ..."
Then who's my partner?
♛✧jellybean✧♛ wrote: "I agree with you when you said you felt your parents wouldn’t support your dreams and your ideas and plans: and I feel the same way. I imagine they won’t support me or anyone really. But just to te..."I don't know anymore. I don't even want support anymore. Just screw it.
Shadow of Alex ~They/them~ (The Phoenix Reincarnated) (Shadow of Whales) (Bvbarmy) (Aelonian) (aa family) (Royal council) wrote: "Hallie wrote: "I don't know how, but somehow I have a cut on my leg. How the heck did that get there?!"OML! THIS IS SORCERY"
More like Hallie wore a skirt and cut herself without noticing.
Wow, I love it when right when I have to go. Right smack dap when I have to go fricken Hallie pops on and says hello. Well goodnight Hals and thanks for reminding me on how unlucky I am! :)
Sorry! xD It's almost 5, and I tried to get some sleep earlier. Goodnight!
Wait. . . let's actually see how long I can stay up until someone notices. I don't have anything important going on tomorrow so screw it! xDWell, just a random question to start off my renegade nighttime takeover, what were you thinking of doing later on in life? You know, your dreams and ideas you had? Sorry if its a bit, well personal.
Hi Hallie. Sorry to pop in unexpected. Also I apologize for replying to rp when your just about to go off Jellybean.
No problem, I might as well wait to reply to everything tomorrow.
Hallie wrote: "Shadow of Alex ~They/them~ (The Phoenix Reincarnated) (Shadow of Whales) (Bvbarmy) (Aelonian) (aa family) (Royal council) wrote: "Hallie wrote: "I don't know how, but somehow I have a cut on my leg..."XD I once woke up with random scratches on my arm and I don't even know how they got there
Jellybean! Agh you should probably sleep! Um, become a writer or journalist or both.Hey Orchid! :)
Alex!!! Same! xD
Naw I’m good. I bet a Coca Cola will keep me going strong for a while. Anyways, yeah that sounds really cool!
Why do you? It’s nothing that my eyes are drooping and my contacts are telling me to take them out. :)
Don't end the show with such a cliffhanger! I can't wait for season 3.
Now that I finished the show, I have nothing to do :/
Hopefully someday, I'll skip school and go somewhere.
My stupid perfect attendance is really crappy.
It's the 21st century! Be more open minded, people!
Mod
i ask myself this question every day
jay wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Why?! Why does homophobia exist?!"i ask myself this question every day"
:/ It's unfair and stupid.
Mykayla wrote: "Hallie wrote: "It's the 21st century! Be more open minded, people!"if people open their mind too much, intellect may infect their emptiness, and nobody wants that."
*sighs* I believe it's better to be intellectual than empty.
Personal Survey Time!
Stolen from Tumblr
Forgive this attempt to prevent myself from walking out of these doors and never coming back.
1: Are you a virgin?
Yes.
2: What do you want to major in?
English Literature.
3: What’s your sexual orientation?
I don't really know. I think I'm straight? I don't think about it.
4: What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you?
Hmmm.... I think there are way too many cute things my Goodreads friends did for me :)
5: What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die?
Japan, Singapore, Italy, France and Switzerland.
6: What was the scariest moment of your life?
I don't know.... I can't really compare scary moments because they are actually not that scary.
7: If you could take something back that you said or did, what would it be?
Being born? I mean I've said and done a lot of things I wish I could take back. I don't think I can even choose one over another.
8: Do you think that the person who sent you this number was cute?
Uh? No one sent it to me.
9: If you had to name three important details about you, what would you say?
I'm an idiot. I have horrible communication skills. I hate myself.
10: Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?
No, but I start feeling like I'm about to throw up when I'm near tomatoes.
11: Have you ever been in love? If so, are you still in love?
Nope. And I don't think I will.
12: What are four things you can’t live without and why?
Books, because how can people live without them; music, because it's important; my phone and internet, because that's where my sanity lies; and oxygen because I'm human and human beings need oxygen to live.
13: Do you have a facebook? If so, would you add the person who sent you this number?
I don't have Facebook.
14: What do you like to do in your spare time?
Usually, I'm on Goodreads or watching something, but sometimes I run around.
15: What are your biggest fears?
Heights, failure, public speaking, spiders, enclosed spaces.
16: What are two of your biggest weaknesses?
Two? Oh okay. Tea and books.
17: What are your three biggest insecurities?
My appearance, my personality, and myself. I'm basically insecure of being me.
18: If you could write anonymous letters to three people, who would you send it to and what would you say?
I'd probably write to my family telling them to forget about me.
19: Favourite photo of yourself?
So there is this picture of me when I was around 6 or 7. My mum framed it and it's above our TV where people just look at it. It used to be on my table, but she moved it. It's younger me crossing her arms and smiling. I have these pigtails, and there is a really nice green background behind me. I think one of my cousins took that photo. It just looks really special. I don't know why, though. Probably because I look so carefree and happy in it. I've hated taking pictures of myself ever since I was born (you should see my childhood photo album!), but in that picture, it didn't seem like me.
20: Who are you disappointed with right now?
Myself.
21: Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
Yes. I'd be just a year younger.
22: Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
No. I hope one friend isn't mad at me for talking to another.
23: Do you care if people talk badly about you?
Yeah, even though I hate to admit it.
24: In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
Unfortunately, there is that possibility.
25: Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
Nope. It's completely different.
26: Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
No.
27: Is there someone you will never forget?
Yeah. Cue names of everyone I see everyday.
28: Is there anyone you can tell everything to?
No.
29: Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
The last person I texted was my dad :/
30: What’s the reason behind your last breakup?
Well, I've never had any boyfriends to breakup with, so you'll never know.
31: What’s your relationship with your sibling/s like?
It's horrible. We rarely fight, share everything and like each other! xD
This is something I never thought I would want to do or say, but can I hold out my middle finger at my mum?
And would it be too much if I threatened to stab both of them to death?
#15 I feel some Four vibes coming up. >:)
YEESSSSSS WAY! Heights, confined spaces.
You know his fear test thingy-ma-bobby.
Haha ‘four’ fears. ;DGosh dangit of course I’m suddenly in a cheeky mood. xD
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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