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Hart Broken
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Hoping to get a bit of... *gulps* ...blurb help?
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Annie wrote: "Pint-sized and fiercely independent Mickey Hart has just woken up alone in her ex-fiancé’s bed with nothing but his t-shirt and a wicked hangover. Relieved to hear the shower running, she is determined to pull off a Houdini and make a speedy escape. The only problem? The t-shirt doesn’t actually belong to Trenton Marshall, and neither do the expensive silk sheets…
Driven, ambitious, successful and breathtakingly gorgeous, Cale Windermere is every woman’s fantasy come to life. Instantly captivated by his piercing emerald eyes and inexplicably drawn to his quirky charm, Mickey is seriously starting to wonder if this impossibly handsome man walked straight out of a Harlequin romance novel. The only problem? He can’t actually walk. Not to mention, he might just be a serial killer…..."
Blurb included for others to assess!
Driven, ambitious, successful and breathtakingly gorgeous, Cale Windermere is every woman’s fantasy come to life. Instantly captivated by his piercing emerald eyes and inexplicably drawn to his quirky charm, Mickey is seriously starting to wonder if this impossibly handsome man walked straight out of a Harlequin romance novel. The only problem? He can’t actually walk. Not to mention, he might just be a serial killer…..."
Blurb included for others to assess!


What I'm getting here, at the moment, is some quite common element for the genre: lonely MC, dashing and mysterious love interest. I'd like to know something more about them as persons.
I particulalty don't get any impression of Cale. He sounds like a doll at the moment. Does he have anything else apart from a gorgeous body that might involve Micky in a deeper way? A way, I mean, that may put her in danger? Why does she care to stay at the side of this man who might be a serial killer?
Just my ideas. Hope this helps :-)

I'm not sure I understand this part. Does Mickey know they don't belong to Trenton (her ex-fiance?). Is it actually someone else's apartment and not the ex's? Why does it matter one way or the other?
"Not to mention, he might just be a serial killer…"
What does Mickey find/see that makes her think this? Try letting us know this without spoiling the story. It'd give the blurb more intrigue.
P.S. Since you asked, yes...I hate the cover. I'm sure you're working on a better one :)

1. Drop the "breathtakingly gorgeous;" the verbiage is awkward and the description is implied by the words that follow.
2. Drop the "Harlequin" reference; it won't help w/ SEO and just begs too many questions.
3. Cover doesn't work for me, too gray and too vague... not sure about that pink font either. Again, not my genre, so ask around.
Good luck.

Sarah: Yesss! I totally struggled with this part. I've tried adding a bit more insight about Cale, without ruining anything. Do you think it's better? Still iffy?
Stacie: Hmm. Good point. Trenton (the ex) doesn't actually make too many appearances, so I've removed his name all together. And yep, she wakes up thinking she's shagged her ex, but realizes that she has no idea who's apartment she's in, or something like that? haha. I've tried tweaking it to better convey this. Thoughts? Oh, and as for the cover...heh...I was NOT working on a better one...but I sure as heck am now LOL Thank you!!
C.B.: Awkward verbiage and Harlequin reference have been dropped. Much appreciated! :)
Possible Cover?

I'm thinking a dark pink/purple for the lettering though? I dig the black, but maybe it doesn't read "romance"? I dunno haha.
Edited Blurb:
Pint-sized and fiercely independent Mickey Hart is faced with a couple of problems this morning.
She has just woken up alone in her ex-fiancé’s bed with nothing but his t-shirt and a wicked hangover. Relieved to hear the shower running, she is determined to pull off a Houdini and make a speedy escape. The only problem? The t-shirt doesn’t actually belong to her cheating ex, and neither do the expensive silk sheets.
Driven, ambitious and highly successful, Cale Windermere seems to be every woman’s fantasy come to life. Instantly captivated by his piercing emerald eyes and inexplicably drawn to his quirky charm, Mickey seriously starts to wonder if this impossibly handsome man walked straight out of a romance novel. The only problem? He can’t actually walk. Not to mention, he isn’t who he claims to be and might just be a serial killer.
But then again, Mickey’s keeping a secret of her own too...
Please don't hesitate to gimme a smack if I made things worse tee hee. Again, thank you so much!!!
Gratefully yours,
Ann

As for the description... I might go with the following:
Pint-sized and fiercely independent Mickey Hart is faced with a couple of problems this morning.
Having woken up alone in her ex-fiancés bed with nothing more than his t-shirt and a hangover would have been bad enough, so she's relieved to hear the shower running, and determined to pull off a Houdini and make a speedy escape. But when she realizeshe t-shirt doesn’t actually belong to her cheating ex, and neither do the expensive silk sheets a whole new set of problems present themselves.
Driven, ambitious, and highly successful, Cale Windermere seems to be every woman’s fantasy come to life.
Instantly captivated by his piercing emerald eyes, and inexplicably drawn to his quirky charm, Mickey seriously starts to wonder if this impossibly handsome man walked straight out of a romance novel. If he could walk, that is. Still, this dreamboat may well prove too good to be true, especially as there's a slim chance he might just be a serial killer…
That's a rough edit and probably needs plenty more work. Just my impression as I'm running out the door to a meeting. I must say, I'm intrigued though. Keep it up! And I'll try to come up with some concrete suggestions for the cover when I get home tonight.

I think it sounds (flows) so much better! Definitely going to make some more changes as per your suggestions!! The only thing is that the entire book is in a very different "style/feel," which I was originally trying to represent in the blurb. But perhaps it's not the smartest idea...? Which I have a ton of (not-so-smart ideas haha)
ADD: Totally forgot to say, I kinda, sorta let my online readers choose that cover image, because yeah, I'm a ginormous suck. But if it's gosh awful, then I may have to change it anyway *looks around nervously*


a.

b.

c.

Again, these are just quick mock ups. I got the background images for them off of unsplash.com. Like I said, I'm not at all convinced that they're an improvement, but I thought they might at least spark some ideas. Good luck with both the cover and the blurb! Let us know if you'd like any more feedback. :-)

I like the rewrite a lot better. I don't actually know a lot more, but at least I'm not having that feeling of "ok, he's gorgeaus, and?"
Well done ;-)
I do think the new covers are better than the current one, which is a bit blurry and without colours. Covers need colour!

Joseph: Thanks so much for the feedback! I can see what you mean about the "jarring" transition. I...um...totally can't think of how to fix the issue at the moment *sobs* hahaha. Shall keep on thinking about it :)
Virginia: I can't believe you took the time to do that, ma'am! Thank you!!! So...I kinda let my online readers pick that cover image...do you think it's salvageable? If not, I really dig that first image overlooking the city lights at night! It would totally fit with the story too. I also did some rewording as per your suggestions *nods appreciatively*
Sarah: Yessss! I'm delighted that you like the rewrite better. I've done a bit more tweaking, while still trying to keep it in my "voice". What are your thoughts on the sepia cover below (with the red lettering)? I'd like to keep the image if possible, unless it's a completely hopeless cause, then... *tosses into the fireplace* LOL


Blurb Take 3:
Pint-sized and fiercely independent Mickey Hart is faced with a couple of problems this morning.
Having woken up alone with nothing but her ex-fiancé’s t-shirt and a wicked hangover, she is determined to pull off a Houdini while he’s still in the shower, only to realize that the t-shirt doesn’t even belong to her cheating ex. In fact, the expensive silk sheets belong to someone else all together.
Driven, ambitious and highly successful, Cale Windermere seems to be every woman’s fantasy come to life. Lost in a pair of piercing emerald eyes and irresistibly drawn to his quirky charm, Mickey is seriously starting to wonder if this impossibly handsome man walked straight out of a romance novel. Except that he can’t actually walk. Not to mention, he isn’t who he claims to be and might just be a serial killer.
But then again, Mickey has a secret of her own too...
Oodles upon oodles of thankful,
Ann
EDIT: Methinks I figured out how to remedy to the "jarring" transition that Joseph was so kind to point out. Well, hopefully, anyway *smirks*

And I couldn't resist doing one more mock up with the night skyline since you said you liked that background image.


Virginia: You, ma'am, are a freakin' gem! Thank you so much for your expertise!
Joseph: Much appreciated, sir! I am going with number 3 :)
EDIT: Blurb AND cover *grins*

I did a complete rewrite, because I'm such an obsessive weirdo like that *smirks* It's shorter and feels more like "me", but I would love to get your thoughts :)
Blurb Take...err...yeah:
Pint-sized and fiercely independent Mickey Hart is faced with a serious problem.
She has just woken up alone, wearing nothing but her ex fiancé’s t-shirt. Only to realize that it doesn’t belong to him. Nor do the expensive sheets. Or the luxury penthouse. All three belong to a complete stranger.
Driven, ambitious and highly successful, Cale Windermere appears to be every woman’s fantasy come to life. Lost in a pair of emerald eyes and irresistibly drawn to his quirky charm, Mickey is starting to wonder if this impossibly handsome man walked straight out of a romance novel.
So, what’s the problem?
He can’t actually walk. Not to mention, he isn’t who he claims to be and might even be a serial killer.
But then again, everyone has a secret...
And I totally changed the cover too *double smirk*



Yessss! Thank you, Miss Virginia!! I didn't wanna rewrite it again...but...totally would have LOL.
P.S. - Your willingness to help people has not gone unnoticed. You are a real gem, ma'am! :)

(disclaimer: i'm not a romance reader/writer, but i'm willing to learn.)
but isn't it targeted to women? so, it should have a guy on it, right?
like this one:
https://www.amazon.com/CEO-Buys-Wager...
also, we're talking about the "billionaire" trope, so the guy on the cover should have at least a tie, right?
or is the target audience both men and women in which case, the cover should have a couple?

but isn't it targeted to women? so, it should have a guy on it, right?"
Yep. The target audience is women. Heh. I totally didn't even consider that. I have no idea, actually LOL This is my first romance (or any) novel, so your guess is as good as mine, good sir :P
Hmm. I really dig the cover now. But Mr Alex raises a good point. Are there any romance novelists kicking around who can weigh in on this?
Here's the tentative cover for Book 2, which just happens to be more "fitting":


i think that your novel fits more-or-less in the romance > contemporary category:
https://www.amazon.com/Best-Sellers-B...
you could do some market research and browse around in the top sellers and see what the covers and blurbs look like. a seasoned romance author that i know recommended that i do that for my novel. and even a pro who has a $3.4M over 10yrs w/Tor says that he has to do his market research.
(as an aside, your obviously in the right genre. the aforementioned author said in an LA Times article, "romance publishing... is literally 40 percent of the [publishing] business.")
there is also a really good marketing book that is directed more at blogging and non-fiction books but very comprehensive that i recently read and bought: Platform: Get Noticed in a Noisy World.
there is another one that i only skimmed but thought was good and that the author of the above-mentioned book recommended: Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. i think if you can understand and apply its principles effectively, then you'll be able to successfully market a book in a large enough market, which romance is.

Wow. Thank you for all this info, Alex! I shall certainly take a look at the resources you suggested tonight!! Woohoo!!! Much appreciated!!!! :D

I did a complete rewrite, because I'm such an obsessive weirdo like that *smirks* It's shorter and feels more like "me", but I would love to get your thoughts :)
Blurb Take...err...yeah..."
The title is unreadable to me and that's not a good thing for a cover

I never even noticed until it was in thumbnail (or smaller, whatevs, haha) size. Thanks for the feedback, Lucian!
P.S. - Um...*looks at ground*...may I have your autograph, please? Sade and Mercy? *SQUEEEE* Okay. Cease fangirling. :)

I did a complete rewrite, because I'm such an obsessive weirdo like that *smirks* It's shorter and feels more like "me", but I would love to get your thoughts :)
Blurb Take...err...yeah..."
To start out, the first thing you want to remember is that you've got a few second window to hold the reader's interest. That interest happens first with your cover. The graphic on your cover is nice, but the title is unreadable. The next point of interest is the title to the book (which I still haven't deciphered lol sorry. If you said it somewhere I may have missed it. At this point I'm thinking it's not English language)
So cover graphic is good. Title visibility needs addressing. And the blurb has all the elements minus a few that a person would need to know about the book to interest them. The hunky description I find is a waste of valuable space and most readers have read them a hundred times over and so they don't hold "interest" it's not like they read it and go "ohhhhh he's got emerald eyes, i need to read this" And that is all your blurb should have in it, the need to read elements.
Here are the things that interested me in the order of greatest to least:
He can't walk
She doesn't know who he is
Whose shirt she woke up in and where
This is where it falls apart for me:
He's every woman's dream but he can't walk? That was like a hmmmm I don't think many women want a man who can't walk no matter how good looking and rich he is.
I hope my "stranger" insight helps you through this horrific process lol.
You're very close I can say this. I still think it needs tweaking so you can have the BEST advantage in the high traffic market

Confession: I totally lied to you.
I am still fangirling over here! *smirks* Thank you, thank you, thank you for the insight. I shall work on it and post a revised blurb. Hopefully, you'll still be kicking around my humble neck of the woods to critique again :)
Hugs,
Ann

LMAO! I might have to change the title instead :P Okie dokie. This thing is so darn short now...
Blurb Take "Am I ever gonna get this right?" hahaha:
Pint-sized and fiercely independent Mickey Hart is faced with a serious problem.
She has just woken up alone in a luxury penthouse. With a hangover. Wearing nothing but a t-shirt. And she has no idea who it belongs to.
Enter Cale Windermere. Driven. Ambitious. Successful. And so ridiculously handsome that Mickey wonders if he walked straight out of a romance novel.
So, what’s the problem?
He can’t actually walk. Not to mention, he isn’t who he claims to be and might even be a serial killer.
But then again, everyone has a secret…
EDIT: Minor changes that probably don't warrant a new post. Tee hee.

Blurb Take "Am I ever gonna get this right?" hahaha:."
I sympathize with you Annie :D Since you help with mine, I had to say something about yours.
For what it's worth (I am not into this genre so I can't tell what makes a good romance blurb), I love both your opening sentence and closing one. You paint a vivid picture of your protagonist in the first which I think is great. The last one makes me wonder what Mickey may be hiding. Kudos for the shortness of your blurb.
I won't suggest much modification because I am just awful at writing blurbs myself, but here is one maybe that could help :
is starting to wonder -> wonders ?
Oh and I think the last two cover you posted (book 1 and 2) looks nice and professional. They definitely caught my eyes more than the others and gives the series a nice visual signature.

Blurb Take "Am I ever gonna get this right?" hahaha:."
I sympathize with you Annie :D Since you help with mine, I had to say something about yours.
S.D.! Thank you!!! :)
I'm so happy that you like the brevity. I was worried it was TOO short now, seeing as how it's under 100 words, but I think I dig it anyway.
Hmm. Are you thinking, "blah, blah, blah...that Mickey wonders if he walked straight out of a romance novel"?
And yay! Thank you for the cover approval too :D
Hugs,
Ann
P.S. - You're not terrible at writing blurbs at all. I actually liked your original one quite a bit :)

For "wonders", yup that's what I meant but it probably comes from my obsession with cutting extraneous words out of my own blurb in the last few days.

Thank you very much, sir! (I think?) hahahaha

Yesss!!! I'm probably just being a weirdo, but you "sound" (read: type) like a man :P

Blurb Take GRRR!:
Pint-sized and fiercely independent Mickey Hart is faced with a serious problem.
She has just woken up alone. Downtown Seattle. In a luxury penthouse. With a hangover. Wearing nothing but a t-shirt. And she has no idea who it belongs to.
Enter Cale Windermere. Driven. Ambitious. Successful. And so ridiculously handsome that Mickey wonders if he walked straight out of a romance novel.
So, what’s the problem?
He can’t actually walk. He isn’t who he claims to be. He might even be a serial killer.
But then again, everyone has a secret…

I would either ditch Downtown Seattle completely or add it to the first sentence. "She has just woken up alone in downtown Seattle."
Also, most of those sentences are sentence fragments, which is totally fine for a bit of variety, but when almost the entire paragraph is comprised of sentence fragments it seems too repetitive (and the same is true for the second paragraph). Perhaps use commas for a few sentences to make them complete and only leave one or two fragments?
And finally I would change the second to last line to "He can't actually walk. He isn't who he claims to be, and... he might even be a serial killer."
And the last line to: "But then again, everyone has secrets..."
All of that is subjective and simply my opinion though. Feel free to ignore it. Good luck! I like this reduced version.

Yeah, about the sentence frags... *grins sheepishly* ...I intentionally overdid them all throughout the book, so I tried to have the blurb reflect my "style". But you're totally right. I mean, if people won't open the book because of the blurb, what's the point, eh? I've done a bit more pruning, as per (some of) your suggestions...
Blurb Take *eats a bag of skittles because that's sure to help*:
Pint-sized and fiercely independent Mickey Hart is faced with a serious problem.
She has just woken up alone in a luxury penthouse. Wearing nothing but a t-shirt. And she has no idea who it belongs to.
Enter Cale Windermere. Driven. Ambitious. Successful. And so ridiculously handsome that Mickey wonders if he walked straight out of a romance novel.
So, what’s the problem?
He can’t actually walk. Not to mention, he isn’t who he claims and might even be a serial killer.
But then again, everyone has their secrets…
Aiya! It's so freakin' short now. Only 88 words. Heck, maybe I should just change it to:
Fluffy romance with a paraplegic hero and a touch of angst. Read me.
*giggles*

Mine for Blade's Edge would probably be: "Two badass chicks kick a lot of ass and stick it to the man! Magic and a dragon also included."
How can we test those?
Anyway, I really like the shorter version with slightly fewer sentence fragments. I think it hits the nail on the head and still sounds like you. That's just me though. Good luck!

actually, that is not a bad stab at a hook.
"fluffy romance" implies that it is not going to make you think. so it is good vacation or bedtime reading.
"paraplegic hero" -- just as Lucian pointed out, this is one of the unique items in your story--it is also one of your ongoing writer concerns, correct?)
"touch of angst" -- lets the reader know, as an afterthought, that you'll might feel a little more for the characters than you thought you would from a fluffy romance.
so, now you've communicated to the reader in a quick and entertaining way the themes and style of the book. now it's up to them to decide if it's what they want.
btw, it also flows faster than the sentences in the longer blurb b/c you're using fewer adjectives. it's also more conversational.
Virginia wrote: "Mine for Blade's Edge would probably be: "Two badass chicks kick a lot of ass and stick it to the man! Magic and a dragon also included."
i like this one too, b/c "girls w/guns or swords" is my guilty pleasure/trope of choice, it talks directly to me and lets me know that this is what i want. i'm not a big fantasy reader, but b/c the story is going to play on the trope that i just can't get enough of, i will at least read the rest of the blurb and the sample.

(the rest of the information in the blurb, the only bit I find important for readers to know is that he can't walk and he isn't who he claims he is--not sure how she knows this)
The secret bit is just not interesting. We all know everybody has secrets we need more than "he has a secret" give us something that makes us NEED to read it. I don't need to read it to find out his secret but if you hinted at his secret just a little bit maybe?
Also, the blurb should give a sense of what this story is about. And so far, we've got a woman who wakes up in a guy's bed who can't walk, is hot, and has secrets.
That may not be enough to get readers to need to read, there just doesn't seem to be enough meat in that.
What else is AMAZING or DIFFERENT about your story that you feel people would wow about?

https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...
Done.
Again, Miss Virginia, thank you soooo much for your input. It has been invaluable! *hugs* And Mr Alex, you may right... *grins*

(the rest of the i..."
Aiya! I totally didn't even see your comment. My apologies, sir!
Well, dang. The last line is suppose to hint that SHE has a secret too haha. Oh, fluffernuggets! *goes back to the blurbing board* Hahaha.
As for Cale...well...I can't say more because...
(view spoiler)
So, yeah *scratches head* I'm totally unsure of how to include that in the blurb.
EDIT: Oooh! Possible last line: Of course, she has a secret too... or But then again, he's not the only one with a secret...?

Ha! Thanks, Alex. And it's swords (specifically katana in this case) if that makes it any more enticing. ;-)

After taking all of 90 seconds (no joke) to whip up the blurb for book 2 and really digging it, I just *had* to go back and rewrite this one. No overthinking. Just my gut instinct. I think it's better...maybe...whatevs XD
Blurb Take Bazillion:
Mickey Hart doesn’t do one-night stands. Until she wakes up in a luxury penthouse. With nothing but a t-shirt. And no idea who it belongs to.
Enter Cale Windermere. Ambitious. Successful. Possibly a serial killer. And gorgeous enough to have walked straight out of a romance novel...
Except I can’t walk.
Not that it ever stops me from getting what I want.
And I want her.
Even if she's keeping secrets.

After taking all of 90 seconds (no joke) to whip up the blurb for book 2 and really digging it, I just *had* to go back and rewrite this one. No overthinking. Just my gut instinct. I thin..."
Hi Annie!
So, I'll give you this. Your blurb makes me want to know more about your book. And that's the whole point.
As for constructive comments...the serial killer comment seems out of place. I read this sentence about Cale as Mickey's observations on seeing him enter a room. How would she know that he's potentially a serial killer?

I really appreciate your thoughts!
The funny thing is that I totally thought the same thing and planned to take it out...but...was just being a lazy bum about it hahaha. Thanks for kicking me in the butt! Needed that >_<
Hugs,
Ann
Updated Blurb:
Mickey Hart doesn’t do one-night stands. Until she wakes up in a luxury penthouse. With nothing but a t-shirt. And no idea who it belongs to.
Enter Cale Windermere. Driven. Ambitious. Successful. And so gorgeous he could've walked straight out of a romance novel...
Except I can’t walk.
Not that it ever stops me from getting what I want.
And I want her.
Even if she's keeping secrets.
That could tear me to f*cking shreds.
Books mentioned in this topic
Platform: Get Noticed in a Noisy World (other topics)Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (other topics)
Hope everyone's having a stellar hump day so far!! :D I was wondering if y'all wouldn't mind taking a look at my blurb and giving some feedback. I'm a bit of a masochist (when it comes to this sort of stuff haha), so please, criticize away!!
https://www.anniearcane.com/book/hart...
This book (my 1st ever *does awkward victory dance*) is a bit of a different creature and actually started off as a contribution to a fiction blog featuring disabled characters (dark erotica and wounded heroes are my personal fave!). So, yeah, I wasn't totally sure how much of the story I actually needed to "blurb". I'd absolutely appreciate any feedback or suggestions that you guys (and girls) have. Thank you!!!
Hugs,
Ann
P.S. - if you hate the cover, I've love to know that too hahaha.