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Through My Eyes
I've been on an emotional roller coaster pretty much the whole year, it's just gotten worse as time progressed. Senior year of high school was fun, but it also sucked. That's actually why I had to disappear. I didn't want to. Teachers and family made it IMPOSSIBLE to come on here. After school, there was summer, which give me no access whatsoever. Now, I'm a freshman in college. Now, with me living in the dorms, if I don't get on, it's actually for a good reason. It means I'm busy with college stuff. Easy as that. However, college has been...interesting. I got my first boyfriend a week into college. A month ago we broke up. I still yearn for him. No, I think I'm actually pining for him. If I have a distraction, like yesterday, then I'm completely fine. When I have quiet time...things get rough. Really rough. They get bad. It's gotten to where I feel like everyone would just be better off if I just disappear. Now, I'm NOT suicidal, but I can still be...scary. I talk walks next to the highway at midnight. Not safe, I know. However, I'm finally letting go of most of my control. I just walk and think about it later. Regardless, it still doesn't help me. What do I do? I still love him! He gave me a chance that no one else gave me. Will I get another one? Don't take this the wrong way, I'm honestly not looking for an online relationship, so if there's any guys that are willing to jump up and date me to make me feel better, it honestly won't help. But, I have classes that I have to get ready for. I may or may not come back.
I never thought I would feel this way about someone. The loss is stabbing me in the heart. Everytime I think I'm okay, my thoughts stray to him. I miss him. I want him. He was my anchor. I'm so lost without him. He was my world and my sun. I wonder if he knows just how truthful I was. Everytime I told him I love him...every hug...every kiss...does he realize just how genuine it was? I thought I'd be over him by now. It's been over a month. We were only together for two. People say I shouldn't be this attached to him. I'm very attached though. I still have strong feelings for the guy that stole my heart. I lost my grip on his but he still has mine wrapped in chains in his hand. He's not letting go. I didn't want to let go. I never meant to hold his heart so loosely. That sad thing is, I don't think he realizes just how important he was. He gave me a confidence I had never felt before. He made me care about myself. I'm so lost without him. I wonder if I'll ever be ok now....
I gave it all for the sake of the ones that I loved more than anything.
Day after day, night after night, I saw them shining bright.
I gave it all for a scene and a dream that I still believe in.
I saw them rising up, and then they said it was not enough.
Day after day, night after night, I saw them shining bright.
I gave it all for a scene and a dream that I still believe in.
I saw them rising up, and then they said it was not enough.
Everything I'd come to love had turned against me.
In a moment, I'd been made into the enemy.
The enemy of those that claimed that they were with me.
I'd been cast out of the place I once belonged.
In a moment, I'd been made into the enemy.
The enemy of those that claimed that they were with me.
I'd been cast out of the place I once belonged.
Hated by the world, betrayed and abandoned.
Hated by the world; all alone, I was standing there,
Hated by the world, rejected.
Hated by the world, I lost it all.
Hated by the world.
Hated by the world; all alone, I was standing there,
Hated by the world, rejected.
Hated by the world, I lost it all.
Hated by the world.
I gave it all for the sake of the ones that I loved more than anything.
Day after day, night after night, I saw them shining bright.
I gave it all for a scene and a dream that I still believe in.
I saw them rising up, and then they said it was not enough.
Slander turned their hearts against me.
O, how quickly lies become the "truth."
Day after day, night after night, I saw them shining bright.
I gave it all for a scene and a dream that I still believe in.
I saw them rising up, and then they said it was not enough.
Slander turned their hearts against me.
O, how quickly lies become the "truth."
Broken and betrayed, bleeding heart on display;
With no one left to listen, and nothing left to say.
Broken and betrayed, bleeding heart on display;
With no one left to listen, and nothing left to say.
With no one left to listen, and nothing left to say.
Broken and betrayed, bleeding heart on display;
With no one left to listen, and nothing left to say.
Everything I'd come to love had turned against me.
In a moment, I'd been made into the enemy.
The enemy of those that claimed that they were with me.
I'd been cast out of the place I once belonged.
In a moment, I'd been made into the enemy.
The enemy of those that claimed that they were with me.
I'd been cast out of the place I once belonged.
What I'd thought was unbreakable is lying broken at my feet.
I haven't given up on you, even if you gave up on me.
What I'd thought was unbreakable is lying broken at my feet.
I haven't given up on you, even if you gave up on me.
What I'd thought was unbreakable is lying broken at my feet.
I haven't given up on you, even if you gave up on me.
I will always stand for you, even if I stand alone.
I will always stand for you, even if I stand alone.
-Credit for this song goes to For Today
I haven't given up on you, even if you gave up on me.
What I'd thought was unbreakable is lying broken at my feet.
I haven't given up on you, even if you gave up on me.
What I'd thought was unbreakable is lying broken at my feet.
I haven't given up on you, even if you gave up on me.
I will always stand for you, even if I stand alone.
I will always stand for you, even if I stand alone.
-Credit for this song goes to For Today
Heart of Stone
I’ve got a heart of stone that many people have broken
My heart has many cracks and crevices from those that have hurt it
It’s hard to get through to me now, because I guard my dear heart
I don’t wish to be this way, but there’s no room for the person I want to be.
I thought I was kind and caring, but I always got stabbed
Now, no one can hurt me anymore
I’ve got a heart of stone that can no longer be broken
I’ve got iron skin that no one can penetrate through
My only weakness is my head but even that has a helmet that I won’t lose
The scars in my heart will be forever visible and I will show the world how much I was hurt
The world will see my heart of stone but it can no longer be broken
My heart of stone has some chips missing from it
These chips will never be fixed
The crevices that dash through my heart will always be there
The cracks will be visible for the rest of my life
However, no one can break my heart of stone anymore
No one can get through my skin of iron
No one can knock my weakness off my head and finish breaking me
I’m already broken but I won’t be shattered
For that, I shall be alone forever with just me and my heart of stone
I’ve got a heart of stone that many people have broken
My heart has many cracks and crevices from those that have hurt it
It’s hard to get through to me now, because I guard my dear heart
I don’t wish to be this way, but there’s no room for the person I want to be.
I thought I was kind and caring, but I always got stabbed
Now, no one can hurt me anymore
I’ve got a heart of stone that can no longer be broken
I’ve got iron skin that no one can penetrate through
My only weakness is my head but even that has a helmet that I won’t lose
The scars in my heart will be forever visible and I will show the world how much I was hurt
The world will see my heart of stone but it can no longer be broken
My heart of stone has some chips missing from it
These chips will never be fixed
The crevices that dash through my heart will always be there
The cracks will be visible for the rest of my life
However, no one can break my heart of stone anymore
No one can get through my skin of iron
No one can knock my weakness off my head and finish breaking me
I’m already broken but I won’t be shattered
For that, I shall be alone forever with just me and my heart of stone
Lost, Wondering, Spinning
The world is constantly spinning and I spin with it
I have always been lost and I can never be found
I have wondered forever just what I mean to the world
What is the benefits of having me around?
Are there any that appreciate me and wish for me to be there?
Am I doomed to always be alone?
I constantly feel like I don’t belong
No one can change my mind
I feel like I temporarily belong, but by the end of the day
There is no one around.
I am alone
I’m lost
I am wondering
The world and I are spinning.
Being social is a foreign term to me
I never had the right connections to be social
I’ve never belonged anywhere
I constantly guard myself and put fences up
Some burn the fences and leave me scorching
New people coming in are greeted with a mess
I build the fences up again but they aren’t the same
The fences are weaker, easier to break
Therefore, I am lost, wondering, spinning
I go in circles, never to be found
Those that find me, find me in shattered pieces
They break my new fences and disappear once more
People come in and out, leaving me broken and betrayed
No one can get through anymore, I shall always be lost, wondering, spinning
The world is constantly spinning and I spin with it
I have always been lost and I can never be found
I have wondered forever just what I mean to the world
What is the benefits of having me around?
Are there any that appreciate me and wish for me to be there?
Am I doomed to always be alone?
I constantly feel like I don’t belong
No one can change my mind
I feel like I temporarily belong, but by the end of the day
There is no one around.
I am alone
I’m lost
I am wondering
The world and I are spinning.
Being social is a foreign term to me
I never had the right connections to be social
I’ve never belonged anywhere
I constantly guard myself and put fences up
Some burn the fences and leave me scorching
New people coming in are greeted with a mess
I build the fences up again but they aren’t the same
The fences are weaker, easier to break
Therefore, I am lost, wondering, spinning
I go in circles, never to be found
Those that find me, find me in shattered pieces
They break my new fences and disappear once more
People come in and out, leaving me broken and betrayed
No one can get through anymore, I shall always be lost, wondering, spinning
I could disappear. Slowly melt away...no one would notice. I'm invisible and alone.
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get the lower I sink
I can't drown my demons they know how to swim
-Credit goes to BMTH
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get the lower I sink
I can't drown my demons they know how to swim
-Credit goes to BMTH
I thought that I've been hurt before
But no one's ever left me quite this sore
Your words cut deeper than a knife
Now I need someone to breathe me back to life
But no one's ever left me quite this sore
Your words cut deeper than a knife
Now I need someone to breathe me back to life
Got a feeling that I'm going under
But I know that I'll make it out alive
If I quit calling you my lover
Move on
But I know that I'll make it out alive
If I quit calling you my lover
Move on
You watch me bleed until I can't breathe
I'm shaking falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
I'm tripping over myself
I'm aching begging you to come help
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
I'm shaking falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
I'm tripping over myself
I'm aching begging you to come help
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
Just like a moth drawn to a flame
Oh you lured me in I couldn't sense the pain
Your bitter heart cold to the touch
Now I'm gonna reap what I sew
I'm left seeing red on my own
Oh you lured me in I couldn't sense the pain
Your bitter heart cold to the touch
Now I'm gonna reap what I sew
I'm left seeing red on my own
Got a feeling that I'm going under
But I know that I'll make it out alive
If I quit calling you my lover
Move on
But I know that I'll make it out alive
If I quit calling you my lover
Move on
You watch me bleed until I can't breathe
Shaking, falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
Tripping over myself,
Aching, begging you to come help
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
Shaking, falling onto my knees
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
Tripping over myself,
Aching, begging you to come help
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
Needle and the thread,
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread,
Gonna wind up dead
Needle and the thread,
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread,
Gonna wind up dead
Needle and the thread,
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread,
Gonna wind up dead
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread,
Gonna wind up dead
Needle and the thread,
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread,
Gonna wind up dead
Needle and the thread,
Gotta get you out of my head
Needle and the thread,
Gonna wind up dead
Needle and the thread,
Gotta get you out of my head, get you out of my head
Gotta get you out of my head, get you out of my head
You watch me bleed until I can't breathe
Shaking, falling onto my knees (falling on my knees)
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches (and I'll be needing stitches)
Tripping over myself,
Aching, begging you to come help (begging, "Baby, please.")
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
Shaking, falling onto my knees (falling on my knees)
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches (and I'll be needing stitches)
Tripping over myself,
Aching, begging you to come help (begging, "Baby, please.")
And now that I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
Yeah....that's the way I feel right now
(And now that)
I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
(And now that)
I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
-Credit goes to Shawn Mendes
I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
(And now that)
I'm without your kisses
I'll be needing stitches
-Credit goes to Shawn Mendes
So...i write super long posts when i write unless it's lyrics...in which case i post by stanzas
Maybe if I cut it down a bit...it'd be easier to read and understand???
Maybe if I cut it down a bit...it'd be easier to read and understand???
Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don’t believe I’m wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
There are some millionaires
With money they can’t use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They’ve got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Now if you listen closely
I’ll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
‘Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
-Credit for the poem goes to Maya Angelou
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don’t believe I’m wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
There are some millionaires
With money they can’t use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They’ve got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Now if you listen closely
I’ll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
‘Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
-Credit for the poem goes to Maya Angelou
I'm all alone...so how am I supposed to make it....? oh dear...
I shouldn't have lost control...I was giddy with excitement...if I'd have watched myself...I wouldn't have lost him....He'd still want me....
Am I going crazy?
Isolation...maybe that's the key....
I isolated myself once before and it worked. People saw a happy me...not the weak coward that I've become...They didn't see the vulnerable me that cried too much...I was always helpful...I didn't need any help...GRRR Where's the Tif that I know????
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER???? GIVE HER BACK!!!
Isolation...maybe that's the key....
I isolated myself once before and it worked. People saw a happy me...not the weak coward that I've become...They didn't see the vulnerable me that cried too much...I was always helpful...I didn't need any help...GRRR Where's the Tif that I know????
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER???? GIVE HER BACK!!!
Artemis: My Candle is Burning Out wrote: "I shouldn't have lost control...I was giddy with excitement...if I'd have watched myself...I wouldn't have lost him....He'd still want me...."you don't know that.
True...still...I may have had him longer if I hadn't been so f***ing clingy :(
I pushed him away...then again, I expected it...I push everyone away
I pushed him away...then again, I expected it...I push everyone away
I wonder about the blame though...who do I blame? I want to blame myself...but I also blame someone that used to be my best friend...I blame her mom too...and even my mother a little bit...I don't point fingers though...
It's MY fault...NOT theirs...not his either...it's ME and only ME
I NEED to REMEMBER this!!
It's MY fault...NOT theirs...not his either...it's ME and only ME
I NEED to REMEMBER this!!
clingy aint good but it just sounds like it just wasn't meant to be. & no one can be happy, cheerful and helpful all the time.
OK now to get you out of this rut...I have no ideas at this time, please check back later.
I know. That's why I posted that blame thing...I just...IDK
I can't say it was better when I was alone but when I was alone I was depressed and down and safe. I was careful and under control
I'll figure it out...I hope...Some days i'm fine...some days I'm not.
This is one of those days where I'm ok but I feel like speaking my mind....
I can't say it was better when I was alone but when I was alone I was depressed and down and safe. I was careful and under control
I'll figure it out...I hope...Some days i'm fine...some days I'm not.
This is one of those days where I'm ok but I feel like speaking my mind....
Sometimes being able to say your peace is just what you need. Have at it. no more commenting, just speak what's on your mind with no worries. Get it out of your system. Therapy of sorts
I don't mind the comments...knowing that someone is there helps
Chin up. Heartbreak is never easy, especially your first boyfriend. It will get better. But remember - you said he gave you confidence. My husband does the same for me. But you can't let them be the sole reason you have confidence. If you can't see the reasons to love yourself and have your own confidence then you'll only get more attached every time a boy comes along and compliments you. Sorry, I suck at advice. But chin up, more options are around. You will find a new man. Have some confidence in yourself - it's really attractive. Remember life could be a hell of a lot worse and though life isn't easy countless of people have gone through what you are and a lot pull through it. You can too. Talk about it, be around friends, whatever you need. You'll get through this.
Ive been working on my confidence. Ive also been trying to hang around friends more
That's good. :) Glad to hear it
Why oh why do I long for him?? I can't have him anymore...it hurts so much...
I can't keep him out of my head. What am I supposed to do?? I swear I'm falling into depression or something. I'm so lost. When I see him...it's like a pain that I enjoy or something. I love seeing him...but sometimes it hurts. Sometimes I'm ok. But sometimes I'm not. A lot of times I'm not. I can say I'm ok...but there's a 90% that it's a lie. I want to escape the pain...but the pain is the only thing that can tell me that it was real. If I didn't have the pain...I'd think it was just a dream....because I thought me getting a boyfriend was impossible and just something I'd wanted but could never have. I'm so lost though...and I hurt so much...I know others go through worse. Therefore I shouldn't be complaining. I know people go through breakups all the time. But...I don't know...I just...I don't know what to do...Maybe I should go on one of my death walks. Walk along the highway in the snow and low temperatures until I calm down....I probably will....no one will care though...Very few people will look at this and realize that this could POSSIBLE be my last message. I'm not saying it is...but it could be if something happens to me tonight...well....good night cold, lonely, cruel world....I hope to be back tomorrow. If I'm not...well...it won't cause any alarm but it probably should...
I don't seem to get better...I'm getting worse. In the beginning it was rough...then I got to where I was ok...but now I'm back to hurting and wishing and crying every time I see him or think about him. I thought I was doing ok. I'm still shivering!! And it's been about three hours!! Okay...explanation...I went on a walk at 10:30ish and didn't get back inside until after 1. It's cold here...there's snow on the ground. I could see my breath. I went on a walk yesterday but it didn't last five minutes because some guys from the college saw me and picked me up. I cruised around with them and got back inside around 2. It's now 4 though. Why am I still so cold?? I'm wearing a sweater and have my quilt over me! I seriously hope I don't wind up with pneumonia or something. I guess I should probably stop taking walks for a little bit. It was really bad though. Some friends and I were sitting and we were just coloring and talking. Somehow our conversations slipped to boyfriends of the past. That got me a little emotional because of how much I miss him and yearn for him. Then I had to go talk to another friend because I owed her an explanation and it kind of had to do with him. Then...I got up to leave (I was in the cafeteria. I'd seen he got up and dumped his plate so I wanted to leave) and I wound up standing RIGHT next to him. (I'm crying just typing this!!) He was right there!! So close...but so far away. I broke down. I fled from the cafeteria and cooled down. I knew I couldn't be alone though so I asked one of my friends if I could go with her to her boyfriend's house (her boyfriend and I have been friends since we were in middle school). I got to go...but I started getting restless. I asked to go back to the college so that way I could go on a cruise and not be sitting around watching TV. I got back to the college and there were no cruises. Everyone that was going out was already gone. I was...ok??...with that. Then...he came into the lobby. I melted. I tried to stay in there to see if he'd leave (he rarely leaves his room or sits in the lobby. the past two nights though...he's been watching TV in the lobby). I couldn't do it. I know it's probably cowardly of me but I left. I went outside in the freezing cold weather and took a walk along the highway. Things only got worse from there though. Not because of him. This time it was humanity in general. The really bad part is that I warned like 5 or 6 people that I'd be back and more than likely need to still get off campus. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM was GONE!! They went out on their cruises. One...he knows how I am. He's taken walks with me!! We didn't leave campus but he still walked with me. Two of them are people that I'm supposed to inform when I get like this. I just don't know what to do....as much as I hate saying it...I want somebody to lean on...or maybe I even need it...IDK...I'm just...I give up. Okay? I give up on humanity. The guy that took walks with me said that he'd be there. When I told him I'd be taking one of my walks...all he said was ok. When I went walking the night before...a girl that knew me saw me and didn't ask the driver to stop to make sure I was ok. Yeah...I had people stop for me yesterday...someone else even stopped today. Both groups said that they cared. With the couple that got me today...I told them I beg to differ. I highly doubt ANYONE cares about me. I'm probably going to be alone forever.
So...on Dec 11...I'm deleting my account. I know no one will care though. Why the wait? IDK...I just feel like it
Just get better, okay? <3 I know you'll get through it
*knock knock* Artemis *knock knock* Artemis *knock knock* Artemis..
BTW, here is a piece of my writing: https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...
The first chapter is pretty much done unless otherwise proven. The other three chapters are getting redone pretty much. i wouldn't recommend reading them until I say they're done, but do whatever floats your boat