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message 851:
by
Paul
(new)
Jul 06, 2009 03:29AM
I hate to seem callous about this, but Horace it is then.
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OKay but you do it. I had to feed him the UPS guy, I really liked Bob. Was it Julie who brought him in? She's not going to be happy about this. We'll tell her that Bob was depressed and just climbed right in.He missed the jungle and all that stuff. Sound good?
Yep, or maybe that Satanic cult that messed up Wendy's neighbour's farm...Anyway, here goes...
We hear a dragging sound and a grunt of effort. For a moment there is silence, and then there is an indescribable sound - a sort of sucking, slurping noise, like an army marching through a swamp. Then a deep belch, somehow rotund with satisfaction.
OK, that's done.
Did you take out the bone? IT might get stuck and then Horace might cough it all back up. Like a hairball. I am not cleaning that up.
Don't think Horace actually swallows. More sort of envelops and digests in a big smelly pool of acid inside his pitcher.Anyway, one bone looks much like the rest. No-one will ever notice.
Okay, if you're sure. You do know about these things.
Well, imagine my surprise when I was pulling into my tract of homes and noticed a sort of dark, hovering cloud coming my the general vacinity of my home. I Turned onto my cul-de-sac only to discover it was a massive whirling vortex of flies that have been basking in the pile of manure which was so kindly dumped in the middle of my yard. Frankly, the fact that it burned the grass beyond any and all hope bothers me not, I didn't like it anyway--the grass that is. Once the manure has washed down the street into the neighbors yards, I'll be able to plant more roses right there.I've decided to build a fence around Horace and charge admission to see him. I am betting that it would also make a great tool for parents when encouraging their children to clean their rooms. I'm just sayin'...
My son panicked when he noticed the UPS truck in front of the house, unmanned. He has been waiting for the return of his XBox 360 which was sent back to Microsoft for repair (It had come down with the RRoD...Red Rings of Death) Fortunately, the package was in the truck and he retrieved it with no problems. Additionally he found several books from Amazon, a flat screen TV from Costco, a popcorn maker from Target and a 6 month supply of Viagra which I promptly took away from him. Not that my husband needs it, but I could make a killing on eBay with that.
The roses did need a trim, though I would have only gone a couple inches, not feet. It's the whole denial thing, thank you for being there for me and taking the choice away. Hey, they will grow back.
Tree, shmee...who needs it? It made for shade, which isn't good for roses.
As for the demons, we had this ultra devout religious family living on the street. They drove everyone batty with their constant proselytizing. No more my friends. Seems they tried to approach Horace about visiting their services. The demons got them first, then Horace finished them off. So now both the demons and the religious fanatics are gone, but Horace has a horrible case of indigestion with a flatulence kicker.
All in all the week was great, and I'm thrilled to see that you were all here caring for my home and plants. Knowing how dependable you are, perhaps next year I'll go away for 2 weeks and see what you all come up with!
It was entirely our pleasure UM. Renee and Julie have real green fingers!
You all did a fabulous job, the house and garden have never looked better.By the way, I was just looking for one of my Bichons, my desert tortoise and my parrot. They seem to be missing...any ideas?
We knew you'd be happy. Didn't I say she'd be pleased? Hey, you could sell the UPS truck on Ebay too couldn't you? I mean, if no one comes to claim it, not that anything happened to the driver. Probably went crazy from lack of protein.
I did see one of those brown UPS drivers shirts laying near Horace. You don't suppose...?I have been contemplating using the UPS truck as either a large planter for my roses or a Bed and Breakfast. What do you think?
Nope, didn't see any animals, did you Renee?
B & B is definitely the way to go. If they quibble about paying, refer them to Horace.
Paul wrote: "B & B is definitely the way to go. If they quibble about paying, refer them to Horace."Excellent suggestion. Better than my other idea of making Horace their room "steward"
Welcome back UM! I'm glad you like the ..um... extra care we put into your lawn. :DI see that Bob, um, "went missing." Bob was the witch doctor hired to keep the demons away. I won't ask any questions, but if the rest of his tribe come looking for him...I was never here. (Oh, and I'm sure Horace would make friends with them too!)
BTW - A memorial for Bob will be held in my cube this evening. You are welcome to come by and pay your respects.
Let us know what time and we'll be there. I guess we really should. Not that we know what happened to him. Not at all. And no Paul, i didn't see any animals at all. Not a one.
The memorial for Bob has begun. Anyone is welcome to swing by and pay their respects between now and tomorrow.Bob will be missed. Too bad we *cough, cough* don't know what happened to him.
Oh, and Uniquely, I haven't seen one live animal. Maybe they are hiding from all the excitement. Yeah, I'm sure that's what they are doing!
The animals turned up...or what was left of them. I found a hairball that had feathers and tortoise shell along with the hair.Horace has quite a voracious appetite, does he not?
Horace? No, I'm shocked. He wasn't eating things when we were here. Nope, not a thing. He likes hotdogs, that's all that he ate. Right guys?
Oh yes, just hot dogs! That's all I EVER SAW him eat! He's such a sweet creature... he wouldn't consciously hurt anything or anyone! winks back in Renee's general direction
No, he is really a kitten. Just a big leafy ball of fluff inside. **and bones and such**Really, as long as he's caged, he'll be fine. He does have some impulse control issues. But with a lot of love, and little physical contact he'll improve.
Just got back from having my fingers reattached. I decided to go out and try to pet Horace, since you all say he is so sweet...I think mayhaps you're pulling my leg, which by the way I DO still have both of.
I heard when they reattach body parts you get special powers like bionicness. So, he did you a favor. Now you have bionic fingers. So, stop complaining. Horace loves you, just look at the way he looks at you.
Well, since I didn't find a hot lover on my vacation, I guess Horace will do.
Whew...he didn't get your leg...he seems to like those...er...so I'm told. Especially legs of chickens and cows. Not legs of UPS men. I'm glad your fingers are re-attached, merely a flesh wound, I'm sure.
Yeah, see glass half full. You have like ten fingers anyway. What's wrong with sacrificing a few in the name of love?
Relationships are supposed to be give and take. (take a finger, take a leg) I suppose that would work if you never got to take anything yourself- just give give give... wait are we still talking about Horace here?
I think so. WAit, I see some similarities here.
UM?I was wondering if VV can visit with Horace
i think they'd be great together!
Dark green dragons, once they mature, appear to become an entirely different species. However, this isn't true. Rather, they burrow underground and get nutrients from their vines. These vines are sometimes referred to as Dragon Grass. These dragons are very violent, and will use their vines to capture, kill, and eat anything that moves, as well as nearby plants. Luckily, their range is limited, and they cannot use magic. Dark green dragons tend to be easy to spot since they usually kill all plants around them and thus are usually surrounded by a large clearing.
That sounds like it might be dangerous for Horace who, as it turns out, is really a rather gentle soul...huge appetitie, but a gentle soul. Do you think they can coexist?
yeah I've trained her. She even hangs out with the other dragons now! If you want I can get one of the other dragons to chaprone
GreenDaisy BlackStem wrote: "yeah I've trained her. She even hangs out with the other dragons now! If you want I can get one of the other dragons to chaprone"That would be fabulous! Thank you!
you're welcome I'll bring over TFIreWithin she's the strongest and she doesn't breath fire*drops TFireWithin off with VV next to Horace and leaves*
Thank you! I'll keep an eye on them and make sure everyone gets along well.
Didn;t there used ot be two plant things here? Horace, what's that between your teeth? A bit of weird looking vine? hmmm. Sorry greendaisy, but I hope yours can burrow fast. perhaps it just dug it's way outta here.*hair flaps from Horace's massive belch. Little bits of dragon vine splatter all over*
Whew- I dunno, it doesn't look encouraging to me. I'm going to shower.
Oh no! VV was such a sweet plant! :(Horace just doesn't seem to want to share his garden.
Bad Horace! You need to play nice!
Venus Fly traps, of the mutant variety, are not pack animals/plants. They don't like other plants, especially ones that could be competition. Horace was doing much better with humans though. He really likes UM.
Yes, UM and Horace have really grown on each other. (ba-dum-ching)Maybe Horace can be re-habilitated. I'm sure some plant therapy could be just the thing!
So, Horace, tell me how you feel?
He's smiling at you Julie. Isn't that sweet? maybe it's the dragon vine doing weird stuff to him. I don't know, he looks like he might--oh no. Was that shirt new? Um, you may owe Julie a new shirt. She's got bits of dragon vine whatnot all over her. Are those hot dogs? Gross.
Whoa! Horace...next time...keep THOSE feelings bottled up inside...all nice and tight. I guess, I was asking for it. YES, Horace you DO owe me a new shirt. Preferably one from Banana Republic or Anthropology. ;) Uh, hu! You owe me big... don't try to put this off on UM.
The good news...Green Daisy, it looks like VV might still have a fighting chance! *cleans bits of hot dog and re-plants in a handy-dandy pot of soil*
Oh great idea. VV was magical wasn't she? She should be able to regrow. it was a she wasn't it? I don't know how you tell. I just assumed Horace was male, due to his lack of self control and horrible table manners. Sorry man, you do have a nasty smacking problem. It's all right, we'll fix you all up. Pretty soon, we won't even need to post that warning. You'll politely ask people before you eat them. Yes you will, UM will expect nothing less. You don't want her getting rid of you. That's what I thoughtMaybe we should move the replanted VV away from Horace, far away.
Come on you guys - I mean, I just humoured Daisy. Dragons that are vines? Be serious, help her to get over her delusions.Just to remind you:
Dragons - wingspan like a Jumbo jet, fire breathing (or acid belching); thousands of years old, horde treasure, hold deep conversations. Masters of magic, armoured like a tank, can shape shift into human form - those are dragons. I'm not sure what exactly she's got, but they're NOT dragons.
Was Smaug a vine? Salaadrex?Abazigal? Nn'issthanlaxassil?
No, exactly. I rest my case.
And who amongst us would have the best case for being a master of dragons and dragonlore?
Well, Gwen, obviously. But who after her??
I rest my other case.
"I rest my other case." Yep, you had a lot of beer. You aren't even talking like Paul anymore. I can hear the slur in your typing.
Aww renee, look- he's just singing to himself:"Haa-ip-py Buuuurrrrpday to meeee *hic*"
I think it's cute.
Did you bring a camera? This is priceless.
Wendy wrote: "Aww renee, look- he's just singing to himself:"Haa-ip-py Buuuurrrrpday to meeee *hic*"
I think it's cute."
On the cruise, the funniest thing was when all the drunks showed up for the muster drill. Not even left port yet, maybe 2 hours on the ship and they are already 4 sheets to the wind. I wish I had brought my camera to the drill.
UM;I'm afraid of cruise ships. Well, not the ship itself, but the ocean that it's in and the Titanic possibilities for death out there. I think I'd have a life jacket on the entire time and I'd be next to the little life boats as much as possible.
I'd knock people out for my lifeboat. Just so everyone knows. You're on a ship with me, and we start sinking, I am not covering your ass. It's all about me then. I'm not a hero, and I'm okay with that.
Nah, you don't have to worry about drowning on these cruises. If the ship sinks, the sharks will get you before you have a chance to drown.
Oh well then, I'll climb on. I'll have to bring some meat or something. Or get a buddy, to toss in the shark's mouth while I swim away.
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