Simon > Simon's Quotes

“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”
― Abraham Lincoln

“So long, Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap!”
― BILL WATTERSON

“As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.”
― Bill Watterson, The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“Hey Susie Derkins, is that your face, or is a 'possum stuck in your collar?”
― Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

“Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.”
― Bill Watterson, There's Treasure Everywhere

“Boy, there's nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.”
― Bill Watterson

“But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!”
― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“But for my own example, I'd never believe one little kid could have so much brains!”
― Bill Watterson, The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“Childhood is for spoiling adulthood.”
― Bill Watterson, The Days Are Just Packed: Calvin & Hobbes Series: Book Twelve

“Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.”
― Bill Watterson, The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.”
― Bill Watterson, The Days Are Just Packed: Calvin & Hobbes Series: Book Twelve

“From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.”
― Bill Watterson, Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

“Girls are like slugs—they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.”
― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.”
― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am? ”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: a Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.”
― Bill Watterson, Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

“I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.”
― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.”
― Bill Watterson, It's a Magical World

“I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
-Calvin”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothing, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?... Then again, if real life was like that, what would we watch on television?”
― Bill Watterson, The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.”
― Bill Watterson, The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

“I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?
Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender modes."
Calvin: Academia, here I come!”
― Bill Watterson, Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat

“I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.”
― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“I'd hate to have a kid like me.”
― Bill Watterson, The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.”
― Bill Watterson, There's Treasure Everywhere

“Miss Wormwood: Calvin, your test was an absolute disgrace! It's obvious you haven't read any of the material. Our first president was not Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers!
Calvin: I just don't test well.”
― Bill Watterson

“Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?
Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty.
Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin.
Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.”
― Bill Watterson

“Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!
Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!
[Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.]
Hobbes: Look, it's just a game.
Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!”
― Bill Watterson