Sally > Sally's Quotes

“My bottom is itchy so I stop in the middle of the landing and scratch it lightly. The fiddling merely tantalises the itch, and it becomes more aggressive. I respond in kind, dragging my fingernails across my fundament in a frenzied jerking motion. With one hand braced against the wall, I’m now grabbing and clawing at the angry aperture, slashing and scraping in a bid to ease the sensation. It’s a delicious relief but I know it’s merely stoking the irritation. And so after a final flurry – scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit – I stop scratching. My backside pleads with me to continue but I resist, and in a few seconds the itch subsides on its own, as I knew it would.10 I”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“People don’t change,” Nina said bitterly. “They just get more punctilious about hiding their true selves.”
― Ruth Ware, In a Dark, Dark Wood

“car. My parents were always in the car, going to places, getting out of the car at those places and asking me to stay in the car until they got back from those places. But they needn’t have asked. Where else would I go? It never occurred to me to leave the car. The only reason I wasn’t still in bed was because I was told it was time to get out of bed and get in the car.”
― Richard Ayoade, Ayoade on Top

“This is why Willis is one of the most powerful actors of this or any other era. He delivers dialogue like he’s calming a jittery leopard.”
― Richard Ayoade, Ayoade on Top

“Vaginal eggs are no more real to me than penis toast or anal pancakes.”
― Richard Ayoade, Ayoade on Top

“One man's Michelangelo is another man's Milli Vanilli.”
― Richard Ayoade, Ayoade on Top

“Fury is something you need, and if someone tells you otherwise, try screaming at them. They’ll often go quiet and start to cry. That’s when you know you’ve won.”
― Richard Ayoade, Ayoade on Top

“When my parents weren’t watching the news, they were either waiting to watch the news or recovering from watching the news. The news confirmed their feeling that things were terrible everywhere, and there was nothing anyone could do about it apart from keep abreast of developments. I’ve avoided the news ever since.”
― Richard Ayoade, Ayoade on Top

“Cinema helps us to remember that although we all have the right to shine, some of us must shine in the background, out of focus, and not too brightly.”
― Richard Ayoade, Ayoade on Top

“Instead of finding a boyfriend, like Esther had instructed, I decided I would hit up the next best thing. The bookstore.”
― Vivien Chien, Death by Dumpling

“I think it's good for a person to spend time alone. It gives them an opportunity to discover who they are and to figure out why they are always alone.”
― Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

“Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.”
― Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

“In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.”
― Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

“Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.”
― Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

“Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.”
― Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

“I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am.”
― Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

“• A good trick is to fill your medicine cabinet with marbles. Nothing announces a nosey guest better than an avalanche of marbles hitting a porcelain sink. Plus you’ll know which guest is a junkie whore or gutter hype, and you’ll know what else to hide. Count your stash or remove the labels from your prescription bottles.”
― Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

“An alcoholic at a small gathering is called an intervention.”
― Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

“On the off chance that you have children, don't clean up at all. As children, my brother and sister and I loved waking up early and playing cocktail party with the leftover debris ”
― Amy Sedaris

“Her extremely posh eight year-old asks her a question about the economy (!), and before she answers it, she asks her extremely posh five year-old "Do you know what the economy is, darling?"

"Yes mummy, it's the part of the plane that's terrible".

This is how revolutions start.”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

“Tuesday, 5 July 2005 Trying to work out a seventy-year-old lady’s alcohol consumption to record in the notes. I’ve established that wine is her poison. Me: ‘And how much wine do you drink per day, would you say?’ Patient: ‘About three bottles on a good day.’ Me: ‘OK . . . And on a bad day?’ Patient: ‘On a bad day I only manage one.”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

“This morning I delivered little baby Sayton – pronounced Satan, as in King of the Underworld.”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

“Electrolytes are the salts in the blood – mostly sodium, potassium, chloride and calcium. If levels become too high or too low, your body has a way of alerting you, by making your heart stop or putting you in a coma. It’s clever like that.”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

“I’ve not sat down for twelve hours, let alone rested my eyes, my dinner’s sitting uneaten in my locker and I’ve just called a midwife ‘Mum’ by accident.”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

“I’m as big a fan of recycling as the next man, but if you turn a used condom inside out and put it back on for round two, it’s probably not going to be that effective.”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

“woman storms out of gynae outpatients screaming at the clinic sister, ‘I pay your salary! I pay your salary!’ The sister yells back, ‘Can I have a raise then?”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

“I tell a woman in antenatal clinic that she has to give up smoking. She shoots me a look that makes me wonder if I’ve accidentally just said, ‘I want to fuck your cat,”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

“Me: ‘Isn’t there another midwife who can do it?’ Midwife: ‘She’s on her break.’ Me: ‘I’m on my break.’ (Untrue.) Midwife: ‘You don’t get breaks.’ (Depressing but true.) Me: (pleading, in a tone of voice I’ve never managed before, like I’ve unlocked a secret level of my vocal cords) ‘But it’s my birthday.’ (Depressing but true.) Midwife: ‘It’s labour ward – it’s always someone’s birthday.”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

“Apricot stones contain cyanide,’ he replies drily. ‘The death cap mushroom has a fifty per cent fatality rate. Natural does not equal safe. There’s a plant in my garden where if you simply sat under it for ten minutes then you’d be dead.’ Job done: she bins the tablets. I ask him about that plant over a colonoscopy later. ‘Water lily.”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

“He’s just asking for my address – he wants to send me a wedding invitation. I’m choked up that he’d think of me, and very much looking forward to intending to go, then pulling out at the last minute due to work.”
― Adam Kay, This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor