Alan Partridge Quotes

“Her yelling continues until I answer the door to find her on her knees shouting through the letterbox, like a gynaecologist bellowing into a woman.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“My heart is, in the wise words of Billy Ray Cyrus, achy breaky.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“My bottom is itchy so I stop in the middle of the landing and scratch it lightly. The fiddling merely tantalises the itch, and it becomes more aggressive. I respond in kind, dragging my fingernails across my fundament in a frenzied jerking motion. With one hand braced against the wall, I’m now grabbing and clawing at the angry aperture, slashing and scraping in a bid to ease the sensation. It’s a delicious relief but I know it’s merely stoking the irritation. And so after a final flurry – scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit, scrit – I stop scratching. My backside pleads with me to continue but I resist, and in a few seconds the itch subsides on its own, as I knew it would.10 I”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Now, this is an uncomfortable thing to discuss, but I run towards discomfort like a man who has strapped truth explosives to his body and made his peace with God.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Still, this man is waving. Because he is homeless, I'm immediately scared.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Get into QSPC in the next two weeks or the walk to Dungeness will surely – surely – kill me. But is such a transformation even possible? Well, other than the fat back that’s dogged me since the age of forty, I have a surprisingly toned body. Well proportioned and naturally hairless, it’s a physique that’s still able to draw admiring glances to this day, whether on a tropical beach or in the leisure-centre showers.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“It’s 20 February 1995. I am standing by a graveside, the wind whistling through my hair like a wind whistle. My father died on 15 February, and has now been buried. At a sparsely attended funeral, his casket has been blessed and lowered into the ground. I am invited to be the first to throw earth into the grave. I crouch down and, unsure of how much to put in (why don’t they just tell you?), I push up my jacket sleeves and use both arms to sweep an enormous mound of earth from behind me and into the hole – like a couple of arm bulldozers. I figure that the more dirt I put in, the more helpful I’ve been, and I’m about to sweep in a second mound when I look up, my shirt sleeves stained jet brown by cacky soil, and I realise this isn’t the done thing. My mother tuts and looks away.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“I quickly realised Gibson had been joking and that Anthrax was the name of a heavy metal band or singer whose CD might have been in the box. I looked up at the window and waved and laughed and dressed and mused on how fantastic it was to have colleagues who could share practical jokes like this. Sure enough, I got into the spirit and played a practical joke on Gibson by getting my assistant to phone him during one of his shows to tell him his elderly mother had had a fall. He was all over the place!”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“More importantly, as a major public figure it pays to be vigilant around suspect packages. This comes from personal experience. When North Norfolk Digital was sent a box of heavy metal CDs,19 muggins here was about to open it when fellow DJ Rudy Gibson shouted over, ‘Careful, Alan. That contains anthrax.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“I, myself, would never shoot big game (and would hesitate to even lay traps for them). You see, as a committed animal liker – #animals – I think very carefully about which animals I am and am not prepared to kill.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Could professional disappointment have been what made him so bitter, like it did with BT Sport’s Ray Stubbs?”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Meanwhile, for those of you on crowded public transport who chose not to say the words aloud, you’ll feel no different, and that’s your own fault because, as I say, you lack class and are assholes.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Surveillance isn’t easy, though. You’ll need warm clothes, a camera with telephoto lens, two Thermos flasks (one for tea, t’other for wee) and for God’s sake remember your sandwiches.”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“my remarkable walked”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“Like the name of a cartoon Belgian detective said in a Scottish accent, it’s 10:10.’11 It”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“gingerly. Usually, I avoid opening boxes I don’t recognise – ever since”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad

“With my alarm set for 5, I hit snooze every ten minutes until just before 7, at which point it’s time to start the day. With”
― Alan Partridge, Alan Partridge: Nomad