Lara Chapman > Lara's Quotes

“Is that a bulletproof vest? See, now that's so insulting. That's like saying I'm not smart enough to shoot you in the head."
Eddie DeChooch”
― Janet Evanovich, Seven Up

“I'd bitch slap the devil for you.”
― Janet Evanovich

“Nice dress. Take it off.”
― Janet Evanovich

“I make lots of mistakes. I try hard not to make the same mistake more than three or four times.”
― Janet Evanovich, Three to Get Deadly

“Only men you can count on these days are Ben and Jerry.”
― Janet Evanovich

“Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you.”
― Janet Evanovich

“If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong."

I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine.”
― Jen Lancaster

“Kiss the fattest part of my ass”
― Jen Lancaster, Bitter Is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office

“I don't mean to get all religious here, but I'm pretty sure key lime martinis (with a graham cracker & sugar rim) are proof that Jesus loves us.”
― Jen Lancaster

“This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.”
― Jen Lancaster, Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, or Why Pie Is Not the Answer

“Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.”
― Jen Lancaster, Bitter Is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office

“Almost everyone has or will experience getting dumped in their lifetime. Unless, of course, you're a nun. Jesus can't dump nuns.”
― Jenny McCarthy, Love, Lust and Faking It: The Naked Truth About Sex, Lies, and True Romance