Brandon > Brandon's Quotes

“Perhaps it's impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be.”
― Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game

“A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there."
And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.”
― Jenny Lawson, Let's Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir

“Normal is boring. Weird is better. Goats are awesome, but only in small quantities.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

“I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUSLY HAPPY, OUT OF SHEER SPITE.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

“The cat was freaked out because he was running away from the tinkle bell hanging out of his butthole and when I called the vet he said to definitely NOT pull on the twine because it could pull out his intestines, which would be the grossest piñata ever, and so I just ran after the cat with some scissors to cut off the tinkle bell (which, impressively, was still tinkling after seeing things no tinkle bell should ever see). Probably the cat was running away because of the tinkle bell and because I was chasing it with scissors screaming, “LET ME HELP YOU.”
― Jenny Lawson

“When life gives you lemons you should freeze them and use them to throw at your enemies using some sort of trebuchet.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

“You don’t have to go to some special private school to be an artist. Just look at the intricate beauty of cobwebs. Spiders make them with their butts.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

“He would have finished Goddam off then and there, but pity stayed his hand. 'It's a pity I've run out of bullets,' he thought.”
― Henry N. Beard, Bored of the Rings: A Parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings

“When God Created Mothers"

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."

It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."

That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.

One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."

I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."

Can it think?"

Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.

There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."

It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."

What's it for?"

It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

You are a genius, " said the angel.

Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.”
― Erma Bombeck, When God Created Mothers

“Don’t make the same mistakes that everyone else makes. Make wonderful mistakes. Make the kind of mistakes that make people so shocked that they have no other choice but to be a little impressed.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

“We travel so far, and yet still, inevitably, we come back to the place where we started.”
― Una McCormack, The Autobiography of Mr. Spock: The Life of a Federation Legend

“So. I might not deserve you. And you might forgive too much. But I’m damned glad to have you.”
― Travis Baldree, Legends & Lattes

“God, a superior intelligence, sculpts us all, finds us wanting, and sends our material back into the forge to be reshaped. That thing out there. The Furnace. That’s the forge of God. That’s what we’re up against. Might be up against.”
― Greg Bear, The Forge of God

“Now the laborer’s day is o’er; Now the battle day is past; Now upon the farther shore Lands the voyager at last. —“HYMN,” JOHN ELLERTON”
― Christie Golden, The Farther Shore

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. —OSCAR WILDE, 1888”
― Erin Morgenstern, The Night Circus

“DREAM WILDLY, AND KNOW THAT YOUR PINCH OF MAGIC IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.”
― Julie Abe, Eva Evergreen, Semi-Magical Witch