SC > SC's Quotes

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
― Groucho Marx

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”
― Groucho Marx

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.”
― Groucho Marx

“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”
― Groucho Marx

“While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”
― Groucho Marx

“I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”
― Groucho Marx

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.”
― Groucho Marx

“Whatever it is, I'm against it.”
― Groucho Marx

“Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while”
― Groucho Marx

“The only real laughter comes from despair.”
― Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters

“Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?”
― Groucho Marx

“Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?
Woman: Really?
Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.”
― Groucho Marx

“I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.”
― Groucho Marx

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”
― Groucho Marx

“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.”
― Groucho Marx

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”
― Groucho Marx

“Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer”
― Groucho Marx

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy”
― Groucho Marx

“Humor is reason gone mad.”
― Groucho Marx

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.”
― Groucho Marx

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
― Groucho Marx

“Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!”
― Groucho Marx

“It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.”
― Tom Lehrer

“I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”
― Tom Lehrer

“I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.”
― Tom Lehrer

“I went from adolescence to senility, trying to bypass maturity.”
― Tom Lehrer

“I often feel like a resident of Pompeii who has been asked for some humorous comments on lava.”
― Tom Lehrer

“The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines...I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirize George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporize them. And that's not funny....OK, well, if I say that, I might get a shock laugh, but it's not really satire.”
― Tom Lehrer