Jacob > Jacob's Quotes

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#1

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

tags: animals, books, dogs, friends, humor

37987 likes

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#2

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
― Woody Allen

81 likes

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#3

“If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”
― Woody Allen

tags: atheism, metaphysics, philosophy

810 likes

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#4

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

tags: attributed-no-source, human-nature, humor, infinity, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe

148453 likes

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#5

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin

tags: humor, obvious, simile

35265 likes

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#6

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
― Anthony G. Oettinger

tags: humor, misattributed-to-groucho-marx, time

6195 likes

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#7

“I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.”
― W.C. Fields

364 likes

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#8

“Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.”
― Lemony Snicket

tags: humor-reading

8490 likes

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#9

“Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense."
Giles: Well, actually, that would be one of the five.”
― Mutant Enemy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

tags: humour, senses

168 likes

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#10

“Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.”
― Joss Whedon

tags: individuality

3635 likes

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#11

“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.”
― Marthe Troly-Curtin, Phrynette Married

tags: happiness, misattributed-john-lennon, procrastination, time

20996 likes

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#12

“I think that when people hear the president [George W. Bush] speak, frankly, they think he's really stupid. But what people don't realize is that there's a genius behind that stupidity, and that genius is Harlan McCraney.”
― Arianna Huffington

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#13

“In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse

tags: books, humor, olympians

3408 likes

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#14

“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”
― William Goldman, Four Screenplays with Essays: Marathon Man - Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid - The Princess Bride - Misery

tags: life, pain

6211 likes

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#15

“Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.”
― David Sedaris

tags: humor, perception, retardation

1415 likes

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#16

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
― W.C. Fields

7410 likes

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#17

“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.”
― Orson Welles

3064 likes

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#18

“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time

tags: humor, perspective, science

5860 likes

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#19

“He's like a drug for you, Bella.”
― Stephenie Meyer, Eclipse

19594 likes

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#20

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.”
― Matt Groening

tags: humor

49 likes

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#21

“The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

tags: flight, flying, hg2g, humor

4989 likes

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#22

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Paul Terry

tags: exercise, humor, laziness, misattributed-to-hutchins

24389 likes

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#23

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”
― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

tags: humor, proverb

12934 likes

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#24

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”
― C.E.M. Joad

tags: creativity, humor, misattributed-to-einstein, paraphrased

13074 likes

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#25

“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”
― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

tags: humor

10164 likes

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#26

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
― Benjamin Franklin Wade

tags: humor, misattributed-mark-twain, philosophy, theology

19847 likes

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#27

“Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.”
― Jerry Garcia

tags: jerry-garcia

112 likes

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#28

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”
― Albert Einstein

tags: humor

9933 likes

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Tags From Jacob’s Quotes

animals
books
dogs
friends
humor
atheism
metaphysics
philosophy
attributed-no-source
human-nature
infinity
science
stupidity
universe
obvious
simile
misattributed-to-groucho-marx
time
humor-reading
humour
senses
individuality
happiness
misattributed-john-lennon
procrastination
olympians
life
pain
perception
retardation
perspective
flight
flying
hg2g
exercise
laziness
misattributed-to-hutchins
proverb
creativity
misattributed-to-einstein
paraphrased
misattributed-mark-twain
theology
jerry-garcia