Dan Deluca > Dan's Quotes

“Our world,” he said, “is far more advanced than yours. For reasons you’ll understand shortly.” A thin, bony naked woman entered the room, carrying two small, white kittens. She sat one of the fluffy cats in my lap and stuffed the other down my shirt. She turned and left. “There,” said the large man. “The kittens will make your sad go away.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Trust me, we need it. Or rather, we need it to not wind up in the hands of somebody else. Oh, wait! Damn it!” “What?” “It just occurred to me that I could have written Dave a message on a wall using my own shit!”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don’t Touch It

“For a smart person to argue with a dumb person, they have to dumb down their logic on the fly, while the dumb person thinks in dumb logic naturally, giving them an advantage.”
― Scott Meyer, Spell or High Water

“Something coming back from the dead was almost always bad news. Movies taught me that. For every one Jesus you get a million zombies.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“She sat one of the fluffy cats in my lap and stuffed the other down my shirt. She turned and left.

'There,' said the large man. 'The kittens will make your sad go away.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“I keep the gun in a hollowed out copy of the Koran. And there the big book was, tossed on the bed, open and gunless. Nothing else disturbed. I mean, they actually checked my Koran to see if there was a gun inside. I knew I was dealing with a sick son of a bitch.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Fred whispered, “Okay. If I don’t come back, and say they don’t got my body, like if Justin eats me or somethin’, tell everybody you don’t know what happened. Make it mysterious. And then a year later spread rumors that you’ve seen me wanderin’ around town. That way I’ll be like fuckin’ Bigfoot, everybody claiming to have seen me here and there. Legend of Fred Chu.” John nodded, as if he were committing this to memory. He lit his own firebombs, glanced up at me and asked,“You got any final requests, in case this don’t end well?” “Yeah. Avenge my death.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“I feel stretched out, like too little butter scraped over too much waffle. And then it all falls down into one of the waffle holes and there's none left for the rest of the waffle and you sort of have to tilt it to make it run out.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“…the whole world [is]a big, noisy puppet show meant to distract us from the fact that at the end, you’ll die, and you’ll probably be alone.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Around us, the disembodied human limbs were piling up, forming a circle around the fountain, fusing themselves to each other like Satan’s LEGO set.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Miss," John interrupted. "We have reason to believe your dog was possessed by some kind of Hell demon. Has Molly ever spoken to you before?"
Pause.
"Who are you guys?"
"Just answer the question. Please," John said. "Has there ever been any levitation?"
"What? No."
"Are you sure?"
"Ma'am," I said, "if your dog was dabbling in the occult while you had her it's best you tell us now. We're experts.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“I said to John, “You know that if you walked around the world, your hat would travel thirty-one feet farther than your shoes?” John said, “I dunno, Dave, but before we make a bomb I have to shave half the dog.” I nodded. He got up, called to Molly and herded her into my bathroom. I wondered when the soy sauce would take effect.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Let’s just say it’s magic.”
“Let’s just say that I need a little more explanation than that if I’m going to go along with this.”
John sighed.
“Okay, have you heard of nanotechnology?”
“Yeah. Microscopic robots, right?”
“Right, and imagine they can make millions of these robots and embed them in a liquid, so that you now have a liquid infused with the power of all these machines. Got it?”
“All right.”
“Now imagine if, instead of tiny robots, it’s magic.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“When TJ and I got to the bottom, we found Hope staring terrified at Molly. The dog had something long and horrible and meaty in her jaws. It took me a moment to register that it was a very fresh-looking human spine. Damn, she was hungry.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don’t Touch It

“Butterbean!” came Katherine’s voice from the woods.  Chaz wondered, as he lazily chucked another pine cone onto the fire, if he were given an infinite amount of time and paper, and were asked to continue writing what he thought the next word he was going to hear out of Katherine’s mouth just a moment ago, how many centuries and libraries’ worth of paper he would go through before he came up with the word “butterbean”.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures