Critical Failures Quotes

“Oh come on man,” said Dave. “That’s seriously not cool. You’re supposed to ride those, not use them as meat shields.” ”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“He easily outran everyone, bolting deeper into the forest like a coked-up hooker fleeing a crime scene.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“His ears were assaulted by a roar like a lion getting raped by an elephant.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“We have the advantage of having no idea where we are or what we're doing.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“Your mom has run into a lot of men here,” said Cooper. “The big black ones were always her favorite.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“Butterbean!” came Katherine’s voice from the woods.  Chaz wondered, as he lazily chucked another pine cone onto the fire, if he were given an infinite amount of time and paper, and were asked to continue writing what he thought the next word he was going to hear out of Katherine’s mouth just a moment ago, how many centuries and libraries’ worth of paper he would go through before he came up with the word “butterbean”.”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“So I should grant him passage because his mother was an orc-fucking whore? Perhaps I should bow down at his feet as well. All hail he whose mother spreads her legs for–”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures

“Is this where tonight’s tale of wonder shall unfold?”
― Robert Bevan, Critical Failures