Rori > Rori's Quotes

“The bathroom door burst open, and Molly came trotting out. The left half of her body had been shaved almost down to the skin. The right half was as shaggy as before. John emerged after her, brushing a layer of dog hair off his clothes.

John said, "Well, that's done... It was Molly's idea. She wants to look like two different dogs when she's coming and going. She thinks it will make it easier for her to steal food... That's one complicated dog, Dave. Have you started on the bomb?”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“No. He says when you're dealing with any kids of supernatural beings, Gods and Devils and angels, you tend to think about them like hurricanes or earthquakes, some kind of mindless force of nature. But if they're real, then they have minds. They know your name. So even reading about the Devil tips him off, he knows instantly he's being read about and that you're somebody he may have to deal with. And I'm thinking what you did in Vegas went way, way beyond that."

"What 'I' did? What about us? We were both there."

"Yeah but I cut my hair since then. They probably think that was a different guy.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“He whipped the chair around and actually split one of the things in half with the impact, spilling the spray of blood that was reflective, like mercury.
John bellowed, "Anyone else want to donate blood to chair-ity?"
He ducked into the the door and bashed one monster right in the wig, screaming, "There's some dessert! With a chair-y on top!”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Society is nothing more than people cooperating with other people they'd much rather murder.”
― David Wong, What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror

“ANYBODY ORDER A JAILBREAK WITH A SIDE OF SHOTGUN?”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“If I knew me as somebody else, I would hate me just as much. Why have a double standard?”
― david wong

“At this point two elderly security guards in parkas, the guys who normally work the front desk at the plant, asked John to step behind the tape. John claims that here he told the guards that he could not speak English and when that failed to persuade them, he fa...ked a violent seizure. I am unclear as to the purpose of this part of his plan. John flung himself down and began rolling around in the snow, thrashing his limbs about and screaming “EL SEIZURE!!! NO ES BUENO!!!” in a Mexican accent.”
― David Wong

“John and I have made this stuff our hobby, in the way that an especially attractive prisoner makes a hobby out of not getting raped. Jesus, that’s a terrible analogy. I apologize. What I’m saying is that it’s self-preservation. We didn’t choose this, we just have talents that makes us the equivalent of that new guy in the cell block who has a slim, hairless body and kind of looks like a woman from behind, and has an incredibly realistic tattoo of boobs on his back. He may have no desire at all to ever even touch a penis, but it’s going to happen, even if it’s just in the process of frantically slapping them away. Jesus, am I still talking about this? [John—please delete the above paragraph before it goes off to the publisher].”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“You want sympathy, you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.”
― David Wong, What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror

“Here's the only thing you need to know about John: The reason I was surprised by your hand was because he never once described you as "the girl with only one hand.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Son, the greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world there was only one of him.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Your 'let's remain calm and stay put' speech would be a lot more convincing if you weren't giving it in front of a pile of burning skeletons.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“You know how sometimes when you're drifting off to sleep you feel that jolt, like you were falling and caught yourself at the last second? It's nothing to be concerned about, it's usually just the parasite adjusting its grip.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“You know what the scariest part is about people like him? Everything he’s doing makes perfect sense in his own mind.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don’t Touch It

“John’s old Caddie had a huge engine that would qualify as a human rights violation if built today. It roared down the road, chugging gas and farting a blue cloud of dinosaur souls.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don’t Touch It

“Dave? This is John."
"What are you-"
Alive?
"-in an ambulance or something?"
"Yes and no. Are you still at the police station?"
"Yeah. We were both-"
"Have I died yet?”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“John ducked casually across some DO NOT DUCK CASUALLY ACROSS THIS TAPE tape”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“And no one cares. You kick and scream and cry out into the darkness,
and no answer comes. You rage against the unfathomable injustice and two
blocks away some guy watches a baseball game and scratches his balls.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“My point is, I have a job, just like you. I get a paycheck, I get memos. Just like you, I have superiors, and they have superiors who I am not allowed to speak to. Orders filter down from on high, arriving at my level stripped entirely of all context or rationale or justification. Orders do not come with an illustration of how they serve the overall goals of the organization. Same as any other job.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don’t Touch It

“You’re not a child,” said Will, gently. “I won’t treat you like one. You’re asking me if this was your fault because you want to know what emotion you’re supposed to be feeling right now. Are you supposed to be beating yourself up? Well, that’s the wrong question. The world doesn’t care about your emotions.” “So what question should I be asking?” “Whether or not you would do it differently next time. Everything that happens matters only in terms of what you can learn from it going forward.”
― David Wong, Zoey Punches the Future in the Dick

“Let’s just say it’s magic.”
“Let’s just say that I need a little more explanation than that if I’m going to go along with this.”
John sighed.
“Okay, have you heard of nanotechnology?”
“Yeah. Microscopic robots, right?”
“Right, and imagine they can make millions of these robots and embed them in a liquid, so that you now have a liquid infused with the power of all these machines. Got it?”
“All right.”
“Now imagine if, instead of tiny robots, it’s magic.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“They passed a law that said I couldn’t put my hands in my pockets. Do you know why? Because they would become concealed weapons. I can kill a man with these hands.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Fred nodded and said, “So what you’re saying is, if we all die, that’s not even the worst-case scenario.”
John replied, “I’d still like to shoot a little higher than that, Freddy.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“No, war is never about killing the enemy. War is about remaking the world to suit the whims of some powerful group over the whims of some other powerful group. The dead are just the sparks that fly from the metal as they grind it down.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“I was about to warn the girl about John’s coffee, which tasted like a cup of battery acid someone had pissed in and then cursed at for several hours, but John turned to her and in a lawyerly voice said, “Shelly, tell us your story.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“John trotted up, carrying his satchel. "Yes. Wexler's gone. We need your car."
"What? Why?"
John circled around to the passenger-side door and said, "Car chase.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“At this point, John flung himself to the ground and screamed, “YOU SHOT ME! AAARRRRGHHH!” Not a shot had been fired. I rushed to John’s side. “You shot him! He has four kids! Or should I say, four orphans.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“I flung the gun at another one of the monsters, missed, hit an elderly man in a wheelchair instead, toppling him over.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“I turned, ran, fired the shotgun into the air and shouted, “Bomb! There’s a bomb in the fountain! Everybody run for your lives! Please don’t not panic!”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“CHAPTER 11 By the way . . . Looking back, if I had gone in and seen what was in the toolshed, I would have put a bullet in my own skull one minute later.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End