Emily > Emily's Quotes

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

“Rant would tell people: 'You're a different human being to everybody you meet.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey

“When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

“100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.”
― Demetri Martin

“THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.”
― Demetri Martin, This is a Book

“I don't want to die without any scars.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

“I'm one of those passengers who arrives at the airport five or six hours early so I can throw back a few drinks and muster up the courage to board the plane. Apparently I'm not alone because I've never been in an empty airport bar. I don't care what time you get there. Even at 8:00 a.m. you have to fight your way to the bar. At that hour, everyone drinks Bloody Marys so no one can tell it's booze- at least until they fall off their chair.”
― Bob Newhart

“I do not know what it was about that boy but just looking at him, even I wanted to clout him on the head. It was a head that invited violence.”
― Patrick deWitt, The Sisters Brothers

“If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”
― Chelsea Handler

“Nora: "How do you feel?"
Nick: "Terrible. I must've gone to bed sober.”
― Dashiell Hammett, The Thin Man

“Nick: "Don't you think maybe a drink would help you to sleep?"
Nora: "No, thanks."
Nick: "Maybe it would if I took one.”
― Dashiell Hammett, The Thin Man

“Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts.”
― George Wendt

“Good writing does not succeed or fail on the strength of its ability to persuade. It succeeds or fails on the strength of its ability to engage you, to make you think, to give you a glimpse into someone else's head.”
― Malcolm Gladwell, What the Dog Saw and Other Adventures

“Courage is not something that you already have that makes you brave when the tough times start. Courage is what you earn when you’ve been through the tough times and you discover they aren’t so tough after all.”
― Malcolm Gladwell, David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants