“First and foremost, it is important to recognize another important reason that arguments with our loved ones can cause so much pain. Most of us think that we are arguing about being right versus being wrong. The truth is, we are almost always arguing about being seen, heard, and understood by our loved ones. It is painful to feel as though someone you love does not understand you in the heat of the moment. It often feels like we are disconnected, and usually that is what hurts more than anything else. This is where a beautiful first step comes in. It is possible to validate a person’s feelings without validating their behavior. If Liam used this tool, he might say to Faith, “Hi, honey. I can see that you’re hurting right now, and I’m sorry for that. However, I don’t like the way you are expressing it, and I would be able to listen better if you could change your approach to become gentler.” Although this might seem like a small trick, it works wonders. The impact of being able to validate a loved one’s emotions in the heat of the moment is profound. It completely removes the helplessness, feelings of being misunderstood, and feeling shamed. More importantly, it prevents the defense mechanism from being tripped due to the stored subconscious associations around conflict. As a result, the individual on the receiving end of this statement is likely to be calmed down instead of fired up.”