Arthur Graham asked Rupert Dreyfus:

Any good throwaway ideas for a book, like something you definitely won't be writing yourself? Also, can you write it for me?

Rupert Dreyfus Sure, Arthur. I've had my eye on the bestsellers' list for some time now and reckon I've got a good one brewing. It's about a child wizard called Barry Shotter. He attends Arsewarts College where he learns how to be an annoying cunt as well as how to cast magic spells. There's a sub-plot where we learn that his mum is a dominatrix who has an impressive collection of STDs. This is purely so I can write some raunchy cut scenes where the mum gets it on with some clients (I'm hoping it will make nipple clamps and cock torture acceptable again now that everyone has forgotten about Fifty Shadez).

Just as everything is heating up and Barry is about to ask the girl of his dreams to marry him illegally, a zombie outbreak happens. Barry spends the rest of the book using his magic abilities to shoot up zombies while trying to rescue his mum who is locked in her own sex dungeon, fighting off her clients who have all turned into zombies and are staggering around with these rotten erections, trying to prod her with them.

I think there'll also be a good one hundred pages where there's a girl on a train. She's just on a train, reading a magazine, occasionally looking out of the window to see if she's approaching her stop. This will purely be so I can call the book 'Girl on a Train' which should at least get enough people confusing it with 'Girl on the Train'.

I'm writing it for you now actually. Will send the first draft over soon...

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