Boundaries in Marriage

by Henry Cloud

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a).

Deception damages a relationship. The act of lying is much more damaging than the things that are being lied about, because lying undermines the knowing of one another and the connection itself. The point at which deception enters is the point at which relatedness ends. As someone once told me about his fiancée, “I think she has told me everything, and then I find out one more thing that she fudged on.” Ultimately, he called off their marriage because his trust had been seriously eroded.

Couples deceive each other in many ways. Sometimes spouses lie over small things, such as spending too much. At other times, they lie about serious things, such as affairs. In our way of thinking, anything, large or small, is forgivable and able to be worked through in a relationship—except deception. Deception is the one thing that cannot be worked through because it denies the problem. It is the one unforgivable sin of a relationship because it makes forgiveness unattainable.

We can’t stress enough the importance of being able to share with each other your deepest feelings, needs, hurts, desires, failures, or whatever else is in your soul. If you and your spouse can feel safe enough in your marriage to be totally vulnerable, if you can remove each other’s fig leaves, then once again your marriage can return to a state of paradise. True intimacy is the closest thing to heaven we can know.

Most of the time, in otherwise good marriages, deception takes place for “defensive” reasons. In other words, the dishonest spouse is often lying not for evil reasons, but to protect himself. Fears drive the deception. This does not excuse the lying, but it does complicate matters. For spouses to tell the whole truth, they must deal with their fears first. Here are some common fears: Fear of real closeness and being known Fears of abandonment and loss of love if they are known Fears of being controlled and possessed if they are known Fears of being seen as “bad” or not good enough if some part of them is known Fears of their own desires, needs, and feelings

What you can do in your marriage is make a total commitment between the two of you to: Have enough grace to tell the truth. Promise that you will never punish your spouse for being honest. This doesn’t mean that there will be no consequences, but punishment, shame, and condemnation should not be part of those consequences. Give each other free rein to question and check out things with each other. Don’t be offended by the other spouse’s need to understand some facts that do not add up. Don’t retort defensively, “What? Don’t you trust me?” Police each other when you see your spouse not being totally honest. This can even be harmless and fun, but hold each other to the truth. Become a partner in your spouse’s life to heal the underlying fears of being honest. If your spouse’s issue is abandonment, for example, show him that you are not going to treat him like whoever abandoned him before. Take responsibility for your own dishonesty and its underlying fears, and make a commitment to resolving them. Become a person of the truth, and find someone else besides your spouse to hold you accountable. Get a friend to help you tell the truth when you are afraid. Use discernment. While total honesty is the ideal, every relationship is not ready for total knowing and being known. Some truths are not ready to be dealt with yet. Some people are too fragile or are in special circumstances, and they need help to deal with some things, or the timing needs to be right. Use wisdom to know what...

Faithfulness, of course, also means that you will not stray from the one you love. Physical adultery means giving yourself to someone else sexually. But you can commit emotional adultery as well; you can have an “affair of the heart.” An affair of the heart means taking aspects of yourself and intentionally keeping them away from the marriage.

The truth was that Charlie was retreating into an addiction. He would turn to two sources of gratification to obtain what he was not getting from Leigh. He would go to pornography in magazines, on videos, and on the Internet. And he would flirt with a few flattering women at work. In these escapes, Charlie would find relief. Leigh was displeased with him; his fantasy relationships were not. He would fantasize about the women in the magazines, about how they loved and adored him and were excited by him. He would feel so good about himself when the women at work would stroke his ego and make him think he was wonderful. Then, deep in his heart, he would resent Leigh for failing to see him as these women did. Why didn’t she appreciate him the way everyone else did?

In reality, Charlie was unfaithful. He took his heart to an addiction to deal with what he should have been dealing with directly with Leigh. He had a double life. He would try to please her on the outside, but inside take his deepest needs and desires to his fantasy life. He was split, and this was keeping the couple from resolving their problems.

No Excuses Many times one of the partners, like Charlie, will justify unfaithfulness by the other’s lack of safety. “Well, if she hadn’t been so critical, I wouldn’t have had to turn to someone else for love.” Or, a wife who has an affair will say, “Well, it wouldn’t have happened if he had been meeting my needs.” Nothing is further from the truth. An act of unfaithfulness is something that one person does, not two. As the Bible says of God, “If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself” (2 Timothy 2:13). God does not become unfaithful if we do not love him correctly. He remains faithful no matter what we do. Marriage requires this as well. Do not let your spouse’s failures of love be an excuse for your unfaithfulness.

If you struggle with wanting to take some part of yourself to someone or something other than your spouse, find out why. Your actions may be okay; your spouse can’t identify with all parts of you. Different interests and different aspects of personal identity keep spouses from totally identifying with each other. One person cannot be all that you need in life. Friends can connect with some parts of you better than your spouse. This is okay. For example, you may like skiing, but your spouse hates it. Find some friends to ski with while your spouse pursues the loves that you don’t share. A circle of friends can round out your life. What is not okay is using some lust to keep you split and keep you from integrating your heart to your commitment. Duplicity is taking your heart away from your marriage and bringing it somewhere else. This is unfaithfulness, in love or in deed. As God says, “Remain faithful until the end.”

If every marriage placed value on holiness, the following would be present: Confession and ownership of the problems in each individual A relentless drive toward growth and development A giving up of everything that gets in the way of love A surrendering of everything that gets in the way of truth A purity of heart where nothing toxic is allowed to grow

David got to work on himself with zeal. But as he was working, I could smell a rat, and so could Kate. Every time David would declare a “victory” of sorts, he would push for Kate to take him back and let him move back in. In short, it became clear that he was cleaning up his act to win her back. I told David in no uncertain terms that I would not recommend to Kate that she allow him to come back until he convinced me that he was interested in getting better for himself and not for her. Until “holiness” was important to him apart from what she wanted from him, he was not truly holy. I also told him that he could move back in with her when he was no longer demanding to move back in. David got really depressed. This is when his truly hard work began. I had taken away his goal and motivation for change. He wanted to change just to get his wife back. In reality, this is not a bad motivation, but it is never enough, nor should it be primary. The primary reason for growth must be that one is “hungering for righteousness”—not for someone else, but for oneself. Ultimately, this is the only way that anyone is going to have life, when he hungers for it and pursues it with everything he has.

Forsaking Is Protecting Most of us would like to avoid having to say no in life. It’s work, it causes anxiety, and it can upset people. Yet reality dictates that in order to say yes to keeping a close marriage, you will have to say no to lots of other things. A life of “yes” to everything else ultimately results in a “no” to your marriage. You simply do not have the time, resources, or energy to do everything you want to do. Marriage involves much more than two loving people keeping love alive. It means doing some hard work in forsaking, or leaving behind, other things. This is not easy. Many newlyweds are often disheartened to find that they are constantly having to say no to many things to maintain their marriage.

This problem usually has to do with the “limitless” spouse’s inability to see how his actions have consequences. Someone else is always there picking up the pieces, starting perhaps with a parent, then friends, then co-workers, or a spouse. The lack of anxiety about marriage problems comes from a lack of anxiety about anything. This spouse has lived with human safety nets and is secure and confident that either (1) nothing bad will come if he doesn’t get to his responsibilities; or (2) if something bad happens, no one will mind; or (3) if anyone is bugged about it, someone else will bail him out, and all will be forgiven. It is a life of happy endings, but not reality-based ones.

We do not believe in an “out of the blue” marriage problem. So many times a spouse will say, “Everything was fine, and then he started being abusive,” or, “I thought we were okay until I found out about the affair.” This would not be possible if the marriage was a place for continual emotional investment, risk, vulnerability, and honesty. And in hindsight, many couples will say, “We now see the signs we missed before.” These signs generally have to do with things like Increasing withdrawal of need Unresolved differences the couple simply walks away from in resignation Preferences for others for needs that the marriage used to meet Interests and relationships that are not talked about with the spouse

In cases where the spouse is truly repentant, has given up the affair, and is seriously in the growth process for the long haul, the affair serves as a wake-up call for maturity. We have seen many cases in which affairs have led to greater intimacy and strength in the marriage. Even while you work on protecting your marriage from intruders, you will still have conflicts. The next chapter will help you deal successfully with the different types of conflicts that marriages face.

At the same time, she did not minimize the sin. This is one of the most difficult things for some people. These people feel that if they are going to be full of grace and humility, they can’t be tough on the sin. But a friend of mine once said, “Go soft on the person and hard on the issue.” This is what Jessica did. She was honest, called Internet pornography sin, and talked about her hurt and betrayal, but did not let Reggie’s sin go unconfronted. She took a stance according to her values, just as we talked about in chapter 5. Couples need to take a hard stand against anything that violates their values. Pornography violates several values: faithfulness, honesty, holiness, loving God, and loving the other. Do not minimize the sin of your spouse, and ask him or her not to minimize yours. Ultimately this will be best for both of you and for the relationship. Go tough on the issue, but remember, as God is with you, go soft on the person. Like Jesus, face sin with both grace and truth. The process looks like this: Look at your own attitude. Rid yourself of judgmental-ism, condemnation, shame, or pride. Look at the log in your own eye, show mercy, and identify with your spouse as a fellow sinner. Speak to the issue directly. Let your spouse know that you know, and tell him that what he is doing is not right. If the sin is against you, let him know how you feel. Talk about the hurt and how it affects you and whoever else is involved. Don’t shame him, but be honest. Use “I” stat...

Growth was needed on both sides. First, Jerry had to “get it.” I had to do several things with him. He had to learn how to accept the reality of who Genie was, depression and disorganization included. He had to learn that he was married to all of her, her infirmities included. And he had to learn what unconditional love means. I had to coach him in the realities of depression and also Genie’s very real inabilities. She did not have the ability to “just snap out of it,” nor did she have the ability to just “get organized.” Both were real limitations he was going to have to accept and love her in the midst of. Second, Jerry had to learn not to be judgmental of her, but be supportive and find ways he could work with her. This included giving up some of the things he wanted that she could not do. Giving up expectations was not easy for him, but he was open and teachable, albeit frustrated! It helped when he looked at some of his own inabilities and could empathize and identify with hers. He had some failures in his own life. I helped him to see that she was no different. And Genie had to accept herself. She had been fighting the fact that she had a problem. She had not faced the realty of her inability. This realization is an important step in fixing anything. She had been stuck in the “should’s.” She had been saying, “I should be able to do more. I should not be so unorganized.” She was still protesting the reality of who she was. She had to get to the point of saying, “I wou...

One of them feels hurt The hurt person communicates as if the other has sinned against him The accused party gets defensive They “go to court” defending their innocence They end up alienated The problem never gets resolved, and they go on, “forgetting” about it the next day

Think of the following inevitable conflicts: One person likes adventure movies, the other likes romantic comedies One wants to spend money on the house, the other wants to save for the future One likes the church that focuses on contemporary worship, the other likes traditional liturgy One wants to go out, the other wants to stay home One wants more children, the other wants no more

1. Avoid Moralizing Your Preference I was working with a couple who differed in how they liked to spend “free time.” Joe liked to spend downtime leisurely hanging around the house. He would play games with the kids or watch sports on TV. On Saturday afternoons he would sometimes take a nap. Susan was more of a doer. She liked to do projects around the house when she had free time. But after organizing the house and “working on projects” while Joe was napping, she would begin to grow annoyed that he wasn’t helping. Soon an argument would ensue. She would feel that he was being “lazy,” and he would feel that she was being “compulsive.” They would “go to court.” Susan would moralize her position, thinking that work was good and TV was bad. He “should” be helping. He would feel as strongly about his choice, saying that he had worked hard all week and deserved a rest.