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Harold and Sarah were unable to love deeply and relate to each other, because Harold controlled Sarah and Sarah allowed him to control her. They had what are called major boundary conflicts,
When one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom.
Frank dominated, and Julia complied. However, she confronted the problem, she set limits and established consequences, and their marriage grew.
Marriage is first and foremost about love.
Yet, love is not enough. The marriage relationship needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. Those ingredients are freedom and responsibility.
Freedom and responsibility problems in a marriage will cause love to struggle.
When they resist hearing the word no, they remain immature.
Age is a necessary but insufficient requirement for growing up.
If you aren’t in control of yourself, the solution is not learning to control someone else.
The solution is learning self-control, one of the nine fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23).
It is more about taking ownership of your own life so that you are protected and you can love and protect your spouse witho...
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In relationships, ownership is also very important.
Neither one ever took personal ownership of his or her behavior. In their minds, their behavior was literally “caused” by the other person.
I longed for Joe to say, for example, “I get angry at her because I’m too immature to respond to her more helpfully.
This issue of “ownership” is vital to any relationship, especially marriage.
He learned what Proverbs teaches us—that a lack of boundaries and anger go hand in hand: Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit”
Each spouse must take responsibility for the following things: Feelings Attitudes Behaviors Choices Limits Desires Thoughts Values Talents Love
Later in this book we will show you how to change your marriage for the better, even if your spouse is not interested in changing. But the process always begins with taking responsibility for your own part in the problem.
Where we do not take ownership and do what we are supposed to do with our own stuff, we will be stuck at a certain level of relationship, and we will not be able to go deeper.
She would take protective steps to “guard the good” and not let evil destroy it.
Boundaries are basically about self-control.
boundaries are not something you “set on” another person. Boundaries are about yourself.
The most basic boundary is language.
Her silence was like a trampled-down fence.
Truth is another important boundary. God’s truth and principles provide the boundaries of our existence, and as we live within this truth, we are safe. Here are some truths that help define the structure of how we are to relate: Do not lie. Do not commit adultery. Do not covet. Give to others. Love one another. Be compassionate. Forgive. As we structure our relationships around God’s eternal truths, our relationships succeed and thrive. When we cross these boundaries, we lose the security that truth provides.
Love and truth must exist together.
Or, sometimes a spouse may have betrayed a trust or had an affair, and even though he has repented, not enough time has passed for the spouse to prove himself trustworthy. In these situations, trust may not be wise. But it is prudent to continue to interact in the relationship and to work the problem out. In such instances, one partner might have to follow the advice of Proverbs to avoid further injury: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Guarding one’s heart might include saying the following: I love you, but I don’t trust you. I can’t be that
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I can’t share deep feelings if you are going to punish me for them.
We caution you, however, that you must take this stance only with a pure heart. Impure hearts use boundaries to act out feelings such as revenge and anger. Because none of us is pure, we have to search our motives for establishing boundaries to make sure that they serve love and not our impure motives. Using distance or withdrawal of love, for example, to punish the other is a sign that we are setting boundaries not to resolve the conflict, but to get revenge.
God has always provided help from his family to those who need it.
Boundaries are only built and established in the context of relationship.
The missing ingredient all along had been a deep sense of intimacy, something the Bible
refers to as “knowing” someone. But without clear boundaries, they could not know each other, and without knowing each other, they could not truly love each other.
When we do loving, responsible things, people draw close to us. When we are unloving or irresponsible, people withdraw from us by emotionally shutting down, or avoiding us, or eventually leaving the relationship.
A proper view of responsibility is necessary to set limits in marriage. On the one hand, when you marry, you take on the burden of loving your spouse deeply and caring for him or her as for no other. You care about how you affect your spouse; you care about your spouse’s welfare and feelings. If one spouse feels no sense of responsibility to the other, this spouse is, in effect, trying to live married life as a single person. On the other hand, you can’t cross the line of responsibility.
You need to avoid taking ownership for your mate’s life.
The Law of Responsibility is this: We are responsible to each other, b...
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The term load (verse 5), however, indicates one’s daily responsibilities of life. This includes one’s feelings, attitudes, values, and handling of life’s everyday difficulties.
On the one hand, a husband will neglect his responsibility to love his wife. He may become selfish, inconsiderate, or hurtful. He will not consider how his actions affect and influence his mate.
he tries and tries to make an unhappy person happy. This is an impossible project.
While a husband should be sympathetic toward his unhappy wife and take responsibility for his own hurtful behavior, he shouldn’t take responsibility for her feelings.
We have no power over the attitudes and actions of other people. We can’t make our spouse grow up. We can’t stop our spouse from exhibiting a troublesome habit or character flaw. We can’t force our spouse to come home on time for dinner, to refrain from yelling at us, or to initiate conversations with us. The fruit of the Spirit is self-control, not other-control (Galatians
Some people think the Law of Respect is the “bad guy” of the ten, because it doesn’t teach us about setting boundaries but, rather, submitting to the boundaries of others. The Law of Respect states that if we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs. There is no such thing as a free lunch. We can’t expect others to cherish our limits if we don’t cherish theirs.
We all get excited about finally being able to say no, set limits, and become free to choose, but we don’t feel as excited about hearing no. If this is how you feel, you’re in good company. Children feel this way, too! They demand freedom, but don’t want others to be free to disappoint them. Mature adults desire the freedom of others as much as their own.
It means dying to your wish for her to see things your way and appreciating that she has her own mind, values, and feelings.
Apply the Law of Respect in your marriage. Don’t storm into the living room with a list of “how things are going to change around this house.” Tell your spouse you want your boundaries respected, and ask him if he feels his are being respected also. Let him know that you value and desire him to be free to say no, even if you don’t like the answer. Ask him some of the following questions: How might I be crossing your boundaries? Do you feel I respect your right to say no to me? Do I give you guilt messages, withdraw, or attack you when you set a limit? Will you let me know the next time I don’t
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If your spouse is trustworthy, it is easier to ask these questions. If your spouse is untrustworthy, you may feel you are putting yourself in the hands of someone who might use your respect for him against you.
At the same time, however, she might tell him, “Your raging way of being angry is not acceptable to me. If you don’t find other ways of being angry with me, I will have to distance from you.”
The Law of Motivation states that we must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes.
