Boundaries in Marriage

by Henry Cloud

Fear of being a bad person Fear of one’s guilty feelings Fear of not reciprocating the love someone has given (thus hurting his or her feelings) Fear of losing the approval of others Fear of hurting one’s spouse because of overidentifying with his or her pain Fear always works against love. The “have to” destroys the “choose to.” Conversely, love drives out fear (1 John 4:18). When we are freely choosing to love, we are no longer driven by the above fears. We are driven by affection. If you struggle with any of these fears, work on maturing through them, so that they do not control you and rob you of your boundaries. For example, if you fear losing love, find safe people who will stick with you, and take risks with them, such as being honest. As they stay in relationship with you, you will begin to have less fear of losing love.

Many times we make uncomfortable and painful choices to sacrifice for our mates. However, these choices are based on motives of love and responsibility, not fear of loss.

Just because someone is in pain doesn’t necessarily mean something bad is happening. Something good might be going on, such as a spouse learning to grow up.

It is unloving to set limits with a spouse to harm him. This is revenge, which is in God’s hands, not ours (Romans 12:19). But it can be just as unloving to avoid setting a limit with your spouse because you don’t want him to be uncomfortable. Sometimes discomfort is an opportunity for growth. You may need to confront your spouse, give him a warning, or set a consequence. Do not neglect setting limits in your marriage because of a fear of causing pain. Pain can be the best friend your relationship has ever had.

Judy had been keeping away from some truths she needed to express—protests against Eric’s hurtfulness. These truths finally bubbled over in an intense reaction. Judy’s boundaries were reactive boundaries. Had Judy been less compliant, long ago she would have sat down with her husband and said, “Honey, you have a mean side, and it makes me distance myself from you. I love you, but I won’t subject myself to this treatment. I want you to work on this issue with me so that it doesn’t happen again.” This approach is proactive rather than reactive.

At the same time, (2) reactive boundaries are not sufficient for growth.

You may have a season of reactive boundaries ahead of you. Find some caring, safe people to help you navigate through it! Your spouse may not be the person for this.

Work through envy, own your problems, and take action.

Law #9: The Law of Activity The Law of Activity states that we need to take the initiative to solve our problems rather than being passive. Have you ever noticed how some couples are divided into the “active” spouse and the “passive” one? One spouse takes more initiative, sets goals, and confronts problems. The other waits for his spouse to make a move first, then responds.

boundary that is not communicated is a boundary that is not working.

The Law of Exposure states that we need to communicate our boundaries to each other. God designed boundaries to promote love and truth. Spouses need to make clear what they do or don’t want. They need to work on understanding what their spouse is saying about their boundaries. When boundaries are “exposed,” two souls can be connected in the marriage. But when boundaries are unexposed, spouses are less emotionally present in the marriage, and love struggles.

Finally, after thinking through the problem with some wise women friends, Lynn came up with a two-point plan. One night, as the couple climbed into bed, she told Tom her plan. “Sweetheart,” she said, “I want to apologize to you for my crummy attitude about dinnertime.”

Second, Lynn set a limit on her enabling of Tom.

We all want to find ways to say no to our spouses rather than to ourselves. Yet the ideas in this chapter may be the only hope for your marriage to develop a healthy set of boundaries.

Thus, more often than not, the first boundaries we set in marriage are with ourselves. We deny ourselves certain freedoms to say or do whatever we’d like in order to achieve a higher purpose. Like Lynn, we learn to restrict ourselves from confronting someone when that has proven futile. As the Bible teaches, “Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you” (Proverbs 9:8).

We deny ourselves certain freedoms to say or do whatever we’d like in order to achieve a higher purpose.

Taking Ownership of Our Lives An important aspect of setting boundaries with ourselves is that of taking ownership of our lives. We need to take responsibility for our hearts, our loves, our time, and our talents. We are to own our lives and live in God’s light, growing up and maturing our character along the way: “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15). This is our job, and no one else’s. However, this is not as easy as it sounds. We are more concerned about the person who is making us crazy or miserable than we are about the state of our own souls. Blaming someone else shifts the light of truth from us to someone else. We come by this trait honestly. Adam and Eve, as we saw earlier, both blamed someone else for their own failings (Genesis 3:11-13).

We must become more deeply concerned about our own issues than our spouse’s.

Being the “Good” Spouse Another aspect of setting limits with ourselves in marriage is the difficulty that comes in being the “good” spouse. In many marriages, one mate is more obviously selfish, irresponsible, withdrawn, or controlling. The other is perceived as a suffering saint, and people wonder how he tolerates the pain of living with such a problem person. This often makes it hard for the “good” spouse to set appropriate boundaries for himself.

A couple I know struggled with the husband’s tendency to withdraw if he thought his wife was not hearing him. She, in turn, would become angry that he was isolating himself. They argued about this for a long time. Finally, the next time he withdrew, she said to him, “Tell me what I did to hurt you.” He broke down crying, thereby moving out of isolation. When he saw her set limits on her own anger and frustration, and instead show concern about his hurt, he moved back into relationship with her.

It is tempting to try to change your spouse. Controlling, nagging, complying to seek approval, and blaming are all futile in helping your spouse to grow. Your spouse will only react to your control. He won’t experience his loneliness, need for love, gratitude, healthy guilt, or the consequences of his actions. He will be more concerned with staying free of your attempts to change him, or even with retaliating, to show you how it feels to be him.

Finally, Andie set limits on her attempts to control Brian. She became loving and caring toward him, without being critical. And she set firm limits on his job and money problems. She asked a financial counselor at their church for help. Brian lost some rights to his money for a while until he proved himself more mature. He changed because Andie freed him by limiting her nagging. Before that, Brian had only been reacting to Andie/Mother. Now Brian became free to experience her love, which he desperately needed. And he became free to experience the pain of loss of money and being with the financial counselor, who set up an accountability structure from which he couldn’t run. And he began growing up.

However, we do have some power and choices. We can choose to tell the truth about our faults. We can choose to bring those faults into the light of relationship. We can choose to repent of them and to work them out and mature them. Setting limits on ourselves sometimes simply involves taking a troublesome emotion, behavior, or attitude to a supportive relationship, instead of acting on it.

If you find yourself enticed by withdrawal and avoidance, you can do the following to help you set boundaries on this tendency: Enlist the aid of your spouse. Ask her to let you know when she notices you pulling away. Ask her how it affects her. Does it hurt her? Make her lonely? Finding out how your avoidance influences others is a way to limit your disconnection. Discover why you withdraw. You could fear rejection, being controlled, or being judged. You could be punishing your spouse for hurting you. Understanding the reasons can help you set limits on the behavior. Say no to your tendency to avoid relationships, and expose yourself to others who can help you connect.

Some of us have more difficulty with taking responsibility than others do. For example, you may leave certain projects, chores, or financial tasks undone at work or in your marriage for someone else to finish up. Or you may argue when others say no to you. The inability to accept another’s no indicates a difficulty in taking ownership of your own disappointment and sadness and a struggle in allowing others freedom.

Self-Centeredness Nothing is more natural than to think more of our own situation than another’s. Thinking that the sun rises and sets only on us is one of the most destructive, marriage-busting character issues. Marriage cannot be successfully navigated without our giving more of ourselves than we are comfortable giving. Yet self-absorbed people often attempt to live as a single person within marriage, thinking they can get what is important to them and still pull off the relationship. The result is that the spouse feels like an object, or feels that her own thoughts and feelings aren’t valued.

Nothing kills love in a marriage more than judgmentalism. When you live with a judge, you are always on trial. This creates an atmosphere of fear as the judged spouse walks on eggshells to avoid the wrath to come. Love cannot grow in a climate of fear: “There is no fear in love…. fear has to do with punishment” (1 John 4:18). A spouse’s love can grow if she knows the consequences for her actions. This is the loving discipline of growth. But the fear of punishment is very different. Her very soul and character are tried and condemned, and then cast out of relationship.

“Other-control” is the antithesis of having boundaries in marriage. Boundaries relinquish other-control for self-control (Galatians 5:23). Boundaries preserve the freedom of one’s spouse without at the same time enabling the irresponsibility of that spouse.

Connor’s blowup was an aggressive way to intimidate Stacy into changing her mind and a way to punish her for not keeping the score between them even. Stacy’s breakdown was a more indirect way to punish Connor for his anger, and also a means of getting him to change his mind. Neither one valued the free choices of his or her spouse.

Withholding Love Of all the ways we attempt to control, withholding love may be the most powerful. When one spouse disagrees, the other disconnects emotionally until the spouse changes to suit her. This is so powerful because God created us to need love and connection as our source of life. When someone withdraws this from us, we are without the basis of existence. It puts extreme pressure on us to do anything to connect to the one we love.

Be a Separate Person with Your Spouse Sometimes one mate will define herself by her mate and not be her own individual soul. Then, when her spouse disagrees or makes a different decision, she personalizes the difference as an attack against her. For example, a husband will become angry with his wife for something. She will feel that he hates her and will lash back to protect herself. Her inability to be separate from her husband’s feelings is the problem. As you become more defined by your own boundaries, you will experience your mate’s feelings and decisions as having more to do with him than with you. This will free you to allow him to be free.

Completing means making up for one’s immaturity as a person. It is an attempt to use another person to balance an imbalance in one’s character, and it never works. Each person is responsible for developing these character imbalances on one’s own and then bringing a whole, balanced self into the relationship.

But basic human requirements of character are not complements. They are essentials to being a complete person. Below is a partial list of abilities that both partners must possess and that cannot be “borrowed” from each other. The ability to Connect emotionally Be vulnerable and share feelings Have an appropriate sense of power and assertiveness Say no Have initiative and drive Have at least a minimal amount of organization Be real, but not perfect Accept imperfections and have grace and forgiveness Grieve Think for oneself and express one’s opinions Learn and grow Take risks Grasp and use one’s talents Be responsible and follow through Be free and not controlled by external or internal factors Be sexual Be spiritual Have a moral sense Have an intellectual life

To have good boundaries is to be separate enough from the other person that you can allow her to have her own experience without reacting with your own. Such a clear stance of separateness allows you not to react, but to care and empathize. Not allowing the other’s experience can be a major cause of fighting and of feeling misunderstood.

In a marriage in which the individuals aren’t allowed to be different, things don’t go as well. Husbands and wives judge each other as “bad” for the preferences each one has. Or they take the difference as a personal affront or a lack of love. Simon had this problem with Jeri. Simon did not like the church that Jeri attended. He couldn’t connect with the services she found so exciting and meaningful. And she could not accept his preference. “It seems that if he really loved me, he would want to go to church with me,” she would say in our sessions. “I don’t know why he does this to me. He knows how important it is to me.”

Another part of the “you are not me” concept is the ability to see another person for who she is apart from what we want or need from her and to love and appreciate that person for who she is. To cherish someone’s existence apart from you and apart from what you get from that person is a neat aspect of love. It requires very good boundaries, the ability to see the other person as distinct and separate from you—a person in her own right, with value and wonderful things about her that have nothing to do with gratifying you in any way other than pure appreciation. This is the joy of just knowing a person. This neat aspect of love is one of the ones that gives the most pleasure as couples grow together.

In his descriptions of Mary that day, I could sense his pure joy in knowing her. And then he said something that should be a message to all married people, male or female. He said, “I am so thankful for the way she does not try to control me. I can feel free to do things at times with my friends and have some time on my own for my own interests. [He was an avid car-racing junkie.] She gives me space. And she was the first one I ever dated who did that.” I knew Mary. What he said was true. She liked the connection with Rich, but she also allowed him to be his own person with his own time and space. And this was not just a sacrifice on her part. It was part of her completeness as a person. She had her own interests as well. She was an avid tennis player and did a lot of volunteer work in her spare time. She was not just “giving Rich his space.” She was exhibiting her own freedom and living it out reciprocally with him. He did not feel tied down, and neither did she.

A good marriage among two complete people is one in which they keep their individuality and space, and this actually serves to strengthen their relationship. After they have been apart, they come together and share each partner’s experience. Relishing these experiences with each other adds to intimacy. The problem marriage is one in which one partner sees time apart, separateness, and space as a threat. This spouse may feel that separateness means a lack of love, or abandonment. She can only feel loved when with the other person. For example, I counseled a couple in which the wife was very upset and accused her husband of “not caring” because he wanted to go bowling with a group of friends once a week. Another person may fear that if his spouse has some degree of separateness, she will leave him or find someone else. Having separateness and feeling secure in love does not register for him.

But freedom is the scariest of all human privileges. Adam and Eve used their freedom destructively to sin against God. In the same way, we can use freedom against each other. As Paul warns, “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself” (Galatians 5:13-14). The call to relationship with God and each other is a call to freedom. But that freedom is not to be used to gratify self-centeredness. Some spouses use their freedom to indulge their own desires at the expense of the marriage. Any trip to the grill room at a local golf course can testify to how many golfing widows there are, as their husbands spend most of their waking hours “with the guys.” Wives of hunters and fishermen know this scenario as well as do husbands of over-committed wives. This misuse of freedom is selfish and does not serve anyone’s growth and development, much less the growth of the marriage. Anyone can get selfish and fall back into the inborn egocentricity we talked about earlier. So the Bible’s warning offers the best solution for that danger: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” In other words, in your exercise of separateness, make sure that you are seeing how your freedom and separateness are affecting your spouse. Would you want to be treated with disregard? Certainly not. Practice the Golden Rule.

If you are a controller, remember the price you will pay in the end. Your spouse will fight your control to be a free person and an adult. She was made to be an individual, free from control so that she could freely choose to bring that individuality to you to form a “we.” If you take away this freedom, there is no longer a “two” to become “one.” You have done away with the plan. The “oneness” will only be an extension of yourself. Also, if you take away this freedom, she will “leave” that parental function you are providing and “cleave” to someone else. Children, not adults, were designed to be under “guardians and managers.” Do not become a parent to your spouse by trying to manage her freedom. You will receive an active or a passive rebellion in return.

Rebelling against control is the motivation behind many affairs and other problems. The spouse who feels controlled is not mature enough to stand up to control with responsible boundaries, and he acts out in an affair to “gain a sense of freedom.” He finds someone who accepts him, or so it feels in the lie of an affair. The freedom becomes intoxicating, and he falls like a sheep to the slaughter. As Proverbs warns of the adulteress, “With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life” (Proverbs 7:21-23).

This drive for companionship must be kept at the forefront of our discussion of freedom. If one of you is controlling, if you restrict your partner’s freedom, companionship is destroyed. But beyond that, freedom nourishes separateness, which is in and of itself an undesirable state. Therefore, freedom from each other ironically creates the very longing that will bring you together over and over again. You must build freedom into your marriage so that you have enough separateness to desire to come together to solve the problem that separateness creates!

This paradox is one of the balancing truths in God’s universe. Separateness and togetherness go hand in hand. If you have too much separateness, you have no relationship because you become too disconnected. But if you have no separateness, you also have no relationship because there are no longer two people involved.

Certain things happen in the relationship, and other things don’t. What you value happens and what you don’t value will be absent. In marriage, for example, it works like this: We will not tolerate anything that violates our value of honesty. We both will actively seek to build and increase the presence of honesty in our marriage.

“Well, even a dog makes demands on you. A dog has to be let out to go to the bathroom. You have to clean up after it. Other times, it requires time from you when you don’t want to give it. A dog might interfere with your happiness. Better get a goldfish. A goldfish doesn’t ask for much. But a woman is completely out of the question.”

If not happiness, then what should you value? What should you magnify and lift up to guide you? Certainly we cannot decide all of your values for you. But there are a few values the Bible holds in very high esteem, and these values work to produce great boundaries in marriage. Below is a list of those six values. In the next six brief chapters we will take a closer look at why each can help you build a marriage that lasts. Love of God Love of Your Spouse Honesty Faithfulness Compassion and Forgiveness Holiness

At other times he wanted to give in to the temptation to avoid listening to her complaints about him. He hated conflict. But he learned that God wanted him to listen and not react defensively. He would submit to God and remain in the conflict long enough to work it out. Before, he would turn to his hobbies and avoid her.

The love that builds a marriage is the kind of love God has for us. It is called “agape.” Agape is love that seeks the welfare of the other. It is love that has nothing to do with how someone is gratifying us at the moment. It has to do with what is good for the other. In short, agape is concerned with the good of the other person.

Third—and this is the most difficult to grasp—loving your spouse as yourself means you want the best for your spouse even when your spouse can’t see what that is. It may be a difficult confrontation, or a healing in your spouse’s life. A good example of this is when a person does an intervention on an addicted spouse and puts him into treatment, even if the spouse does not realize that this is good for him. Or, it may mean a need for spiritual growth and a person tries to get her spouse closer to God. Or, it may mean a relief from duties, as when one spouse gets a job to lighten the workload of the other. The key concept is that this is done for the benefit of the other, not for oneself. An intervention is for the addict, even if the entire family benefits.

The more familiar they are with someone, the lazier people get. Usually, in the beginning stages of courtship, the couple are working hard to express and show their love to one another. But as the relationship proceeds, and the knot has been tied, one or both begin to “work less” at showing, expressing, and giving love. They settle into a mutual “taking the other for granted.” True love will not allow itself to go cold. When it does, there is a call to action, a call to rekindling the flame. As Jesus says of our relationship to God, “do the things you did at first” (Revelation 2:5). I know a husband who writes his wife a note every day, communicating something about her that he values and loves. He connects the note to a specific action he has seen her do. He is active in communicating his love in this way. The need for action in a love relationship never goes away.