How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships

by Leil Lowndes

You see, nobody gets to the top alone. Over the years, people who seem to "have it all" have captured the hearts and conquered the minds of hundreds of others who helped boost them, rung by rung, to the top of whatever corporate or social ladder they chose.

"And your body! The way you move is your autobiography in motion."

Most of the studies simply confirmed Dale Carnegie's 1936 classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People.

You Only Have Ten Seconds to Show You're a Somebody

"Almost every facet of people's personalities is evident from their appearance, their posture, the way they move.

whenever people meet you, they take an instant mental snapshot. That image of you becomes the data they deal with for a very long time.

The way you look and the way you move is more than 80 percent of someone's first impression of you. Not one word need be spoken.

you wanted to portray somebody really cool—you know, intelligent, strong, charismatic, principled, fascinating, caring, interested in other people. . . ." "Easy," Bob interrupted. He knew precisely what I was getting at. "Just give 'em great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze." It's the ideal image for somebody who's a Somebody.

The study showed women who were slower to smile in corporate life were perceived as more credible."

"The study went on to say a big, warm smile is an asset. But only when it comes a little slower, because then it has more credibility."

TECHNIQUE #1 THE FLOODING SMILE Don't flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person's face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes.

When you look intently at someone, it increases their heartbeat and shoots an adrenalinelike substance gushing through their veins.7 This is the same physical reaction people have when they start to fall in love.

STICKY EYES Pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partner's with sticky warm taffy. Don't break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking. When you must look away, do it ever so slowly, reluctantly, stretching the gooey taffy until the tiny string finally breaks.

I've been following it to a T. With women, I make my eyes real sticky and with men slightly sticky.

If you deal with customers or clients in your professional life, Sticky Eyes is a definite boon to your bottom line.

Usually, when you're chatting with two or more people, you gaze at the person who is speaking. However, the Epoxy Eyes technique suggests you concentrate on the listener—your target—rather than the speaker. This slightly disorients the target and he or she silently asks, "Why is this person looking at me instead of the speaker?" Your target senses you are extremely interested in his or her reactions. This can be beneficial in certain business situations when it is appropriate that you judge the listener.

When you use Epoxy Eyes, it sends out signals of interest blended with complete confidence in yourself. But because Epoxy Eyes puts you in a position of evaluating or judging someone else, you must be careful. Don't overdo it or you could come across as arrogant and brazen.

TECHNIQUE #3 EPOXY EYES This brazen technique packs a powerful punch. Watch your target person even when someone else is talking. No matter who is speaking, keep looking at the man or woman

Before walking through any door—the door to your office, a party, a meeting, even your kitchen—picture a leather bit hanging by a cable from the frame. It is swinging just an inch higher than your head. As you pass through the door, throw your head back and chomp on the imaginary dental grip that first pulls your cheeks back into a smile and then lifts you up. As you ascend high above the gasping crowd, your body is stretched into perfect alignment—head high, shoulders back, torso out of hips, feet weightless.

When you act as though you like someone, you start to really like them.

What it boils down to is love begets love, like begets like, respect begets respect.

Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your puss. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you're fibbing.

Make it a habit to get on a dual track while talking. Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you're saying. Then plan your moves accordingly.

Studies show mental rehearsal helps weekend athletes sharpen their golf, their tennis, their running, whatever their favorite activity. Experts agree if you see the pictures, hear the sounds, and feel the movements of your body in your mind before you do the activity, the effect is powerful.

Visualization works best when you feel totally relaxed. Only when you have a calm state of mind can you get clear, vivid images. Do your visualization in the quiet of your home or car before leaving for the party, the convention, or the big-deal meeting. See it all in your mind's eye ahead of time.

You see, small talk is not about facts or words. It's about music, about melody. Small talk is about putting people at ease. It's about making comforting noises together like cats purring, children humming, or groups chanting. You must first match your listener's mood.

The first step in starting a conversation without strangling it is to match your listener's mood, if only for a sentence or two. When it comes to small talk, think music, not words. Is your listener adagio or allegro? Match that pace. I call it "Make a Mood Match."

Before opening your mouth, take a "voice sample" of your listener to detect his or her state of mind. Take a "psychic photograph" of the expression to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice tone, if only for a moment.

How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are OK and that the two of you are similar. When you do that, you break down walls of fear, suspicion, and mistrust.

So what did Hayakawa do? He made unoriginal remarks to set them at ease.

"Well," Hayakawa replied, "your guess is as good as mine. I don't know any more than I read in the papers. But the way I figure it, I don't see how the Japanese, with their lack of coal and steel and oil . . . can ever beat a powerfully industrialized nation like the United States." Hayakawa went on, "My remark was admittedly neither original nor well informed. Hundreds of radio commentators . . . were saying much the same thing during those weeks. But just because they were, the remark sounded familiar and was on the right side so that it was easy to agree with."

The bottom line on your first words is to have the courage of your own triteness. Because, remember, people tune in to your tone more than your text.

Worried about your first words? Fear not, because 80 percent of your listener's impression has nothing to do with your words anyway. Almost anything you say at first is fine. No matter how prosaic the text, an empathetic mood, a positive demeanor, and passionate delivery make you sound exciting.

Anything you say is fine as long as it is not complaining, rude, or unpleasant. If the first words out of your mouth are a complaint—BLAM—people label you a complainer. Why? Because that complaint is your new acquaintance's 100 percent sampling of you so far. You could be the happiest Pollyanna ever, but how will they know? If your first comment is a complaint, you're a griper. If your first words are rude, you're a creep. If your first words are unpleasant, you're a stinker. Open and shut.

Other than these downers, anything goes. Ask them where they're from, how they know the host of the party, where they bought the lovely suit they're wearing—or hundreds of etceteras. The trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking.

What's a Whatzit? A Whatzit is anything you wear or carry that is unusual—a unique pin, an interesting purse, a strange tie, or an amusing hat. A Whatzit is any object that draws people's attention and inspires them to approach you and ask, "Uh, what's that?" Your Whatzit can be as subtle or overt as your personality and the occasion permit.

If, however, you are loath to pull the party giver away from his or her other guests, you still can perform Whoozat. This time, don't ask for a formal introduction. Simply pump the party giver for just enough information to launch you. Find out about the stranger's jobs, interests, and hobbies.

Suppose the party giver says, "Oh, that's Joe Smith. I'm not sure what his job is, but I know he loves to ski." Aha, you've just been given the icebreaker you need. Now you make a beeline for Joe Smith. "Hi, you're Joe Smith, aren't you? Susan was just telling me what a great skier you are. Where do you ski?" You get the idea.

Whoozat is the most effective, least used (by non-politicians) meeting-people device ever contrived. Simply ask the party giver to make the introduction, or pump for a few facts that you can immediately turn into icebreakers.

No Whatzit? No host for Whoozat? No problem! Just sidle up behind the swarm of folks you want to infiltrate and open your ears. Wait for any flimsy excuse and jump in with "Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear. . . ." Will they be taken aback? Momentarily. Will they get over it? Momentarily. Will you be in the conversation? Absolutely!

Do humanity and yourself a favor. Never, ever, give just a one-sentence response to the question, "Where are you from?"

All it takes is an extra sentence or two about your city—some interesting fact, some witty observation—to hook the asker into the conversation.

The fault lies with the person who introduced the two the way most people introduce their friends to each other—with naked names. They cast out a line with no bait for people to sink their teeth into.

Padding the introduction gives Susan the opportunity to ask what kind of boat John has or where the group went. It gives John an opening to discuss his love of writing. Or of cooking. Or of food. The conversation can then naturally expand to travel in general, life on boats, past vacations, favorite recipes, restaurants, budgets, diets, magazines, editorial policy—to infinity.

When introducing people, don't throw out an unbaited hook and stand there grinning like a big clam, leaving the newlymets to flutter their fins and fish for a topic. Bait the conversational hook to get them in the swim of things. Then you're free to stay or float on to the next networking opportunity.

If Mrs. Otis thought to bring up plants, then she must have some relationship with them. Furthermore, by mentioning the word, it meant subconsciously she wanted to talk about plants.

Be on the lookout for any unusual references: any anomaly, deviation, digression, or invocation of another place, time, person. Ask about it because it's the clue to what your conversation partner would really enjoy discussing.

Here's the trick: there's no need to be a squasher, birder, or philatelist to pipe up with enthusiasm. You can simply "Be a Word Detective." When you pick up on the reference as though it excites you, too, it parlays you into conversation the stranger thrills to. (The subject may put your feet to sleep, but that's another story.)

"Well, when I meet someone, I learn so much more if I ask about their life. I always try to turn the spotlight on the other person." Truly confident people often do this. They know they grow more by listening than talking. Obviously, they also captivate the talker.

If you find yourself futilely fanning the embers of a dying conversation (and if you feel for political reasons or human compassion that the conversation should continue), here's a foolproof trick to get the fire blazing again. I call it "Parroting"