How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships

by Leil Lowndes

People perk up when they hear their own name. Use it more often on the phone than you would in person to keep their attention. Your caller's name re-creates the eye contact, the caress, you might give in person.

Big winners don't smile before answering. They put a smile in their voices after they hear who is on the line. That's when it counts. Answer the phone unemotionally, professionally. Say your name or the name of your company. Then when you hear who is on the line, the little trick is to let a big smile flood over your face.

Don't answer the phone with an "I'm just sooo happy all the time" attitude. Answer warmly, crisply, and professionally. Then, after you hear who is calling, let a huge smile of happiness engulf your entire face and spill over into your voice. You make your caller feel as though your giant warm fuzzy smile is reserved for him or her.

Whenever you are calling someone's home, always identify and greet the person who answers. Whenever you call someone's office more than once or twice, make friends with the secretary. Anybody who is close enough to answer the phone is close enough to sway the VIP's opinion of you.

Whenever you place a call, always—not occasionally, not frequently—always ask about your timing. Make it a habit. Make it a rule. Make it a self-punishable crime if the first words out of your mouth don't concern the convenience of your timing:

Before entering, stop dramatically in the doorway and survey the scene s-l-o-w-l-y with your eyes. It is significant that, while you're standing in the doorway, you're not thinking, "Look at me." The reason you're Rubbernecking the Room is not to show off. It is so you can diagnose the situation you're walking into. Take note of the lighting, the bar, and most important, the faces. Listen to the music, the buzz of the crowd, the clinking of glasses. See who is talking to whom. While rubbernecking, you'll also be using "Be the Chooser, Not the Choosee," the next technique, which helps you select your first, second, and maybe third target.

When you arrive at the gathering, stop dramatically in the doorway. Then s-l-o-w-l-y survey the situation. Let your eyes travel back and forth like a SWAT team ready in a heartbeat to wipe out anything that moves.

The lifelong friend, the love of your life, or the business contact who will transform your future may not be at the party. However, someday, somewhere, he or she will be. Make every party a rehearsal for the big event. Do not stand around waiting for the moment when that special person approaches you. You make it happen by exploring every face in the room. No more "ships passing in the night." Capture whatever or whomever you want in your life.

Controlled studies show that party goers are more comfortable approaching people who stand with an open body, arms uncrossed and hanging at their sides, legs slightly separated, a slight smile on their faces. Any object between you and the crowd is a subliminal cutoff—even your purse. More people approach a woman who sports a shoulder bag than one squeezing a handbag.

Make sure you don't point your knuckles directly toward anyone. Let them have the pleasure of seeing the soft, tender "come hither" skin of your wrists and palms, not the wrinkled "go away" hide on your knuckles.

Romance on your mind? Ladies, let your hands do some talking for you. Women instinctively turn their wrists and palms upward when a man excites them. (In fact, the ol' wrist flash while talking with males subconsciously gives them a sexy jolt.)

TRACKING Like an air-traffic controller, track the tiniest details of your conversation partners' lives. Refer to them in your conversation like a major news story. It creates a powerful sense of intimacy. When you invoke the last major or minor event in anyone's life, it confirms the deep conviction that he or she is an old-style hero around whom the world revolves. And people love you for recognizing their stardom.

Right after you've talked to someone at a party, take out your pen. On the back of his or her business card write notes to remind you of the conversation: his favorite restaurant, sport, movie, or drink; whom she admires, where she grew up, a high school honor; or maybe a joke he told. In your next communication, toss off a reference to the favorite restaurant, sport, movie, drink, hometown, high school honor. Or reprieve the laugh over the great joke.

"The first challenge in Eyeball Selling is discovering who the real decision maker is." Jimmi meets his challenge in an unorthodox (not necessarily recommended) way. Right after "Good afternoon, gentlemen and ladies," he says something slightly confusing. Why? Because the surprised group doesn't know how to react. So their heads all twirl like weather vanes on a windy day to look at—guess who?—the honcho, the heavyweight, the head man or woman. Now Jimmi's got his decision maker so he can continue Eyeball Selling to that person.

"For example, I watch the exact angle of my prospect's head position. If it's fully facing me, especially if it's cocked at a cute little angle, it means they're interested. In that case, I keep right on talking. But if their head is slightly turning away, that's a bad sign. I take it as a cue to change the subject and maybe talk about a different benefit of my product."

"The body must be open before the mind can follow."

"If your customer has his arms crossed in front of his chest, hand him something to look at so he has to unfold them to take it from you."

When his client reaches for an object, he takes it as a cue to talk slower or just be quiet. Reaching for a paper clip or fondling a folder on the desk says, "I'm thinking about it."

Even if you have no product, you want them to buy your ideas. If your listener turns away while you're talking, don't concentrate on how rude the person is. Like a sales pro, ask yourself, "How can I change the subject to turn this person on?" If their whole body starts to turn away, use the time-honored personal question ploy. Ask about their favorite topic. "George, how big did you say that bass you caught last week was?" Or use his name and ask a personal question. That's always a grabber.

Cool communicators allow their friends, associates, acquaintances, and loved ones the pleasurable myth of being above commonplace bloopers and embarrassing biological functions. They simply don't notice their comrades' minor spills, slips, fumbles, and faux pas.

Whenever someone's story is aborted, let the interruption play itself out. Give everyone time to dote on the little darling, give their dinner order, or pick up the jagged pieces of china. Then, when the group reassembles, simply say to the person who suffered story-interruptus, "Now please get back to your story." Or better yet, remember where they were and then ask, "So what happened after the . . ." (and fill in the last few words).

They pay such strict attention to the WIIFM principle that they don't open their pitch with the features of their product or service. Top pros start by highlighting the benefits to the buyer.

Except for tactical reasons during sensitive negotiating, big winners lay both "what's in it for me?" and "what's in it for you?" (WIIFY) right out on the table. This is so critical that, if one camouflages WIIFM or WIIFY, the concealer is relegated to the status of little loser.

Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favor, divulge the respective benefits. Reveal what's in it for you and what's in it for the other person—even if it's zip. If any hidden agenda comes up later, you get labeled a sly fox.

don't jump immediately when someone is doing you a favor. Allow the person granting the favor time to savor the pleasure of agreeing to it, before having to pay up.

When you do someone a favor and they obviously "owe you one," wait a few weeks. Don't make it look like tit for tat. Allow the favor asker the pleasurable myth that you joyfully did the favor with no thought of what you're going to get in return. They know that's not true. You know that's not true. But only little losers make it obvious.

Parties are for pleasantries and good fellowship, not for confrontations. Big players, even when standing next to their enemies at the buffet table, smile and nod. They leave tough talk for tougher settings.

The most guarded safe haven respected by big winners is the dining table. Breaking bread together is a time when they bring up no unpleasant matters. While eating, they know it's OK to brainstorm and discuss the positive side of the business: their dreams, their desires, their designs. They can free associate and come up with new ideas. But no tough business.

If you're selling, negotiating, or in any sensitive communication with someone, do NOT capitalize on a chance meeting. Keep the melody of your mistaken meeting sweet and light. Otherwise, it could turn into your swan song with Big Winner.

Facts speak. Emotions shout. Whenever you need facts from people about an emotional situation, let them emote. Hear their facts but empathize like mad with their emotions. Smearing on the emo is often the only way to calm their emotional storm.

Why make enemies? Unless it is your obligation to catch cheaters or entrap liars, let them get away with it. Then immediately get them out of your life and the lives you're responsible for.

Any two people have an invisible scorecard hovering above their heads. The numbers continually fluctuate, but one rule remains: player with lower score pays deference to player with higher score. The penalty for not keeping your eye on The Great Scorecard in the Sky is to be thrown out of the game. Permanently.