How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships

by Leil Lowndes

Back to that frightfully familiar moment when it is your turn to speak but your mind goes blank. Don't panic. Instead of signaling verbally or nonverbally that you "got it," simply repeat—or parrot—the last two or three words your companion said, in a sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ball right back in your partner's court.

PARROTING Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your conversation partner says. That puts the ball right back in his or her court, and then all you need to do is listen.

Salespeople, why go on a wild goose chase for a customer's real objections when it's so easy to shake them out of the trees with Parroting?

One study showed that if someone is above you in stature, their revealing a foible brings them closer to you.

When first meeting someone, lock your closet door and save your skeletons for later. You and your new good friend can invite the skeletons out, have a good laugh, and dance over their bones later in the relationship. But now's the time, as the old song says, to "ac-cen-tu-ate the pos-i-tive and elim-i-nate the neg-a-tive."

Are you actually going to say anything that comes to mind—or doesn't—at the moment? You wouldn't don the first outfit your groping hand hits in the darkened closet, so you shouldn't leave your conversing to the first thought that comes to mind when facing a group of expectant, smiling faces.

The best way to ensure you're conversationally in the swing of things is to listen to a newscast just before you leave. What's happening right now in the world—all the fires, floods, air disasters, toppled governments, and stock market crashes—pulverizes into great conversational fodder, no matter what crowd you're circulating in.

The last move to make before leaving for the party—even after you've given yourself final approval in the mirror—is to turn on the radio news or scan your newspaper. Anything that happened today is good material. Knowing the big-deal news of the moment is also a defensive move that rescues you from putting your foot in your mouth by asking what everybody's talking about.

Humans are judging each other's communications skills. Although they may not know the names of the specific studies first proving it, they sense the truth: 85 percent of one's success in life is directly due to communications skills.13

They may not be familiar with the U.S. Census Bureau's recent survey showing employers choose candidates with good communications skills and attitude way over education, experience, and training.

It doesn't take long for people to recognize who is an "important" person. One clichè, one insensitive remark, one overanxious reaction, and you can be professionally or personally demoted.

Resisting the tempting question also shows their sensitivity. With so much downsizing, rightsizing, and capsizing of corporations these days, the blunt interrogation evokes uneasiness.

Big boys and big girls should avoid asking, "What do you do?" for another reason: their abstinence from the question leads listeners to believe that they are in the habit of soaring with a high-flying crowd.

The final benefit to not asking, "What do you do?" is it throws people off guard. It convinces them you are enjoying their company for who they are, not for any crass networking reason.

A sure sign you're a Somebody is the conspicuous absence of the question, "What do you do?" (You determine this, of course, but not with those four dirty words that label you as either a ruthless networker, a social climber, a gold-digging husband or wife hunter, or someone who's never strolled along Easy Street.)

So how do you find out what someone does for a living? (I thought you'd never ask.) You simply practice the following eight words. All together now: "How . . . do . . . you . . . spend . . . most . . . of . . . your . . . time?"

"How do you spend most of your time?" is the gracious way to let a cadaver cutter, a tax collector, or a capsized employee off the hook. It's the way to reinforce an accomplished mother's choice. It's the way to assure a spiritual soul you see his or her inner beauty. It's a way to suggest to a swell that you reside on Easy Street, too.

Now, suppose you've just made the acquaintance of someone who does like to talk about his or her work? Asking, "How do you spend most of your time?" also opens the door for workaholics to spout off, "Oh golly," they mock moan, "I just spend all my time work...

To make the most of every encounter, personalize your verbal rèsumè with just as much care as you would your written curriculum vitae. Instead of having one answer to the omnipresent "What do you do?" prepare a dozen or so variations, depending on who's asking.

Any practitioner of the above professions should reflect on the benefit his or her job has to humankind. (Every job has some benefit or you wouldn't get paid to do it.)

Don't say "real estate agent." Say "I help people moving into our area find the right home." Don't say "financial planner." Say "I help people plan their financial future." Don't say "martial arts instructor." Say "I help people defend themselves by teaching martial arts."

Even if your new acquaintance can't use your services, the next time he or she meets someone moving into the area, wanting to plan their financial future, thinking of self defense, considering cosmetic surgery, or needing a new hairstyle, who comes to mind? Not the unimaginative people who gave the tax-return description of their jobs, but the big winners who painted a picture of helping people with needs.

You don't need to be quite so melodramatic in your self-image, but at least punch up your life to sound interesting and dedicated.

With the care that they choose their tie or their blouse, big players in life choose words to match their personalities and their points.

The startling good news is that the difference between a respected vocabulary and a mundane one is only about fifty words! You don't need much to sound like a big winner.

All you need to do is think of a few tired, overworked words you use every day—words like smart, nice, pretty, or good. Then grab a thesaurus or book of synonyms off the shelf. Look up that common word even you are bored hearing yourself utter every day. Examine your long list of alternatives.

Run down the list and say each out loud. Which ones fit your personality? Which ones seem right for you? Try each on like a suit of clothes to see which feel comfortable. Choose a few favorites and practice saying them aloud until they become a natural staple of your vocabulary. The next time you want to compliment someone on being smart, say, you'll be purring

During my seminars, to help men avoid Gary's mistake, I ask every male to think of a synonym for pretty or great. Then I bring up one woman and several men. I ask each to pretend he is her husband. She has just come down the stairs ready to go out to dinner. I ask each to take her hand and deliver his compliment.

Suppose you've been at a party and it was wonderful. Don't tell the hosts it was wonderful. Everybody says that. Tell them it was a splendid party, a superb party, an extraordinary party.

The first few times you say a word like glorious, it may not roll comfortably off your tongue. Yet you have no trouble with the word wonderful. Hmm, glor-i-ous doesn't have any more syllables than won-der-ful. Neither does it have any more difficult sounds to pronounce. Vocabulary is all a matter of familiarity. Use your new favorite words a few times and, just like breaking in a new pair of shoes, you'll be very comfortable wearing your glorious new words.

Look up some common words you use every day in the thesaurus. Then, like slipping your feet into a new pair of shoes, slip your tongue into a few new words to see how they fit. If you like them, start making permanent replacements.

Remember, only fifty words makes the difference between a rich, creative vocabulary and an average, middle-of-the-road one. Substitute a word a day for two months and you'll be in the verbally elite.

Above all, you don't want to sound anxious to have rapport.

Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience, instead of jumping in with a breathless, "Hey, me, too! I do that, too" or "I know all about that," let your conversation partner enjoy talking about it. Let her go on about the country club before you tell her you're a member, too. Let him go on analyzing the golf swing of Arnold Palmer before you start casually comparing the swings of golf greats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and Arnie. Let her tell you how many tennis games she's won before you just happen to mention your USTA ranking.

When someone starts telling you about an activity he has done, a trip she has made, a club he belongs to, an interest she has—anything that you share—bite your tongue. Let the teller relish his or her own monologue. Relax and enjoy it, too, secretly knowing how much pleasure your conversation partner will have when you reveal you share the same experience. Then, when the moment is ripe, casually disclose your similarity. And be sure to mention how much you enjoyed hearing about his or her shared interest.

Whenever you have something in common with someone, the longer you wait to reveal it, the more moved (and impressed) he or she will be. You emerge as a confident big cat, not a lonely little stray, hungry for quick connection with a stranger. P.S.: Don't wait too long to reveal your shared interest or it will seem like you're being tricky.

Big winners know we haven't changed a bit. Adults camouflage their self-centeredness under a mask of civilization and politeness. Yet the human brain still immediately, instinctively, and unfailingly translates everything into terms of "How does that affect ME?"

The pleasure-pain principle is a guiding force in life. Psychologists tell us everyone automatically gravitates toward that which is pleasurable and pulls away from that which is painful. For many people, thinking is painful.

So big winners (when they wish to control, inspire, be loved by, sell to people, or get them to go to dinner) do the thinking for them. They translate everything into the other person's terms by starting as many sentences as they can with that powerful little three-letter word, you. Thus, I call the technique "Comm-YOU-nication."

Suppose you want to take a long weekend. You decide to ask your boss if you can take Friday off. Which request do you think he or she is going to react to more positively? "Can I take Friday off, Boss?" Or this one: "Boss, can you do without me Friday?"

In the first case, Boss had to translate your "Can I take Friday off?" into "Can I do without this employee Friday?" That's an extra thought process. (And you know how some bosses hate to think!) However, in the second case, "Boss, can you do without me Friday," you did Boss's thinking for her. Your new wording made managing without you a matter of pride for Boss. "Of course," she said to herself. "I can manage without your help Friday."

Comm-YOU-nication also enriches your social conversation. Gentlemen, say a lady likes your suit. Which woman gives you warmer feelings? The woman who says, "I like your suit." Or the one who says, "You look great in that suit."

Start every appropriate sentence with you. It immediately grabs your listener's attention. It gets a more positive response because it pushes the pride button and saves them having to translate it into "me" terms. When you sprinkle you as liberally as salt and pepper throughout your conversation, your listeners find it an irresistible spice.

Since your smile is one of your biggest communications weapons, learn all about the moving parts and the effect on your target. Set aside five minutes. Lock your bedroom or bathroom door so your family doesn't think you've gone off the deep end. Now stand in front of the mirror and flash a few smiles. Discover the subtle differences in your repertoire. Just as you would alternate saying "Hello," "How do you do," and "I am pleased to meet you" when being introduced to a group of people, vary your smile. Don't use the same on each. Let each of your smiles reflect the nuances of your sentiment about the recipient.

Because when a big winner hears your clichè, you might as well be saying, "My powers of imagination are impoverished. I can't think of anything original to say, so I must fall back on these trite overworn phrases."

Be on guard. Don't use any clichès when chatting with big winners. Don't even touch one with a ten-foot pole. Never? Not even when hell freezes over? Not unless you want to sound dumb as a doorknob. Instead of coughing up a clichè, roll your own clever phrases by using the next technique.

you tell a joke and no one laughs, try "That joke was designed to get a silent laugh—and it worked."

bon mots

If you want to be notable, dream up a crazy quotable.

A dead giveaway of a little cat is his or her proclivity to tease. An innocent joke at someone else's expense may get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the big cats will have the last one. Because you'll bang your head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on their paws.