If Only I Had Told Her

by Laura Nowlin

We are all dead bodies that haven’t died yet.

The apple was always red; the boy just couldn’t see it.

I am alive. I’ve always been alive. But today I feel it.

“Everyone knew Finn was the nicest guy.” They all murmur agreement.

What right did you have to cry? I want to ask her. Why are you here?

“I mean, I used to be friends with Autumn Davis. Whether she would flirt with him? That’s a different story.”

suppose I could defend Autumn, but how? By interjecting that Finn had always loved a girl who was not his girlfriend?

as if their grandparents’ deaths mean anything compared to Finn dying.

If it was anyone but you, I would have lied and said I didn’t have another pencil.”

Scream like Autumn had.

tell everyone, that Finn didn’t live to take care of Sylvie, he lived

himself, and he was someone who took care of the p...

“Autumn always had a thing for him, but she was like a sister to Finn,”

would laugh, but I can’t. All I can do is sit here, sip my beer, and listen to people who barely knew Finn talk about him as if they were friends. Finn isn’t here, and for a moment, I’m envious of him.

I’ve discovered this will be a thing going forward.

they love me, but they’ve done it all before and don’t have the energy to have much of a relationship with me.

“Finn is dead, Finn is dead”

But both rooms are for Finn.

People who I didn’t know even knew Finn and people I’ve never seen in my life, all waiting to say goodbye, to say sorry, so sorry.

wish Finn could see this. The thought opens a new wound, because I wish Finn had known that this many people cared about him.

It’s so hard to think about him in the past tense.

it feels so good to think about Finn.

Everyone agrees Finn was such a good kid, and they will agree forever, and nothing can ever change that.

correct. I just know that Finn was good.

“Are these your parents? Please come with me.” She motions us out of the line. “The family asked for you.”

And there he isn’t, because Finn is gone, and the coffin is closed.

My best friend can’t be dead.

“How are you?” “Fine,” I say, even though it’s not true.

Finn is inside a gray and silver box, dead.

I cry, and his mother holds me.

Electricity ran through Finn’s body, stopping his heart and burning him from the inside out, and I cannot unknow these things. I ...

“Just promise me that you’ll never forget him.” “I couldn’t.”

I wonder if I can do it tomorrow. Carry his coffin. Carry his body. Place it over a hole where it—he—Finn, will stay forever.

I have to do it. It’s the last thing I’ll get to do for my friend ever again.

I’m doing this for Finn,

I’m doing this for Finn,

It feels like I’ve walked in on them naked together, but Autumn shrugs and rests her head back on his box.

“Do you want to talk to him alone?”

“Only if you want to.”

“We’re just being close one last time.”

I watch her, worried to leave her alone

“I love you too,”

“I’m letting Sylvie have the funeral,”

I’ll go by the graveyard later and make sure he’s settled in.”

Finn feels so alive with all these people here. It’s Autumn who is the ghost.

People talk about Finn, and they cry. They talk about Finn, and they laugh. Everyone is united in missing Finn, but I don’t understand how everyone can act like this is all so ordinary. As if Finn being dead is logical.

Jamie Allen, Autumn’s ex, is there with a girl I’m pretty sure Autumn used to be pretty close with,

I have to bite my lip to keep from crying when I remember that Finn couldn’t.

We’re just being close one last time.

we set Finn down forever.