If Only I Had Told Her

by Laura Nowlin

His final resting place. His final everything.

It’s not really him, yet it is him, and they’re putting him away forever. I want to beg someone to stop this, to let me keep him, please.

But it’s done. Finn, my friend, is in a hole in the earth. For the rest of my life, no matter how long I live, I will always know exactly where he is, because he’s never going to move again.

As the grave begins to slowly fill with dirt, I think of Autumn coming later, after the rest of us have gone, to be with him.

“I wasn’t ready to go. Are you?”

I’m tired of people pretending to care more about me than they do.”

“Finn didn’t pretend anything about his feelings for you,”

“He lied about his feelings for Autumn, but he loved you.”

Apparently, when I’m ready, I’ll remember.”

“What happened to the guy Finn liked?”

“Dr. Giles always hated Finn.”

“I was thinking about how no one could hate Finn, and you say your doctor at least hypothetically disliked him.”

“Oh, I hate Finn,”

“Don’t get me wrong. I love him too. If I had the power to stop loving him, I would have long ago. So...

“But she has a lot of growing up to do.”

“Didn’t you notice how all your fights were because you’d said something she didn’t want to admit was true?”

I think about a hundred years ago, when these graves were new, how they’d been important, how people had come here to weep and remember.

He loved you.”

“But not the way he loved her.”

I can’t argue with that. More than anyone, I can’t argue with it, so I join her in starin...

“Autumn told me that she felt you should have the funeral.”

“I didn’t expect that of her,”

Sylvie remembers the way back to Finn’s grave

It feels like a betrayal to leave him in the rain.

“In case you’re going to offer to drive, the reason I drove separately from my parents is because I can’t ride in a car driven by anyone else. I’ll be fine. Put on your seat belt.”

Autumn will come by later to see that Finn is settled in.

Finn liked to go to different places to run, for scenery or whatever.

Finn was always saying I didn’t stretch enough.

How many times am I going to remember that being dead means you’re never going to do shit again?

“Let’s run and not worry about why,” Finn would say, and we would just go. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Why couldn’t he have stayed in the car?

he liked that actress’s boobs.

“I’ll just text my mom that a jerk in my back seat wouldn’t put on his seat belt. She won’t be mad if we sit here all night. Let’s do it.”

why didn’t Sylvie have on her seat belt?

For that to have happened, her seat belt had to be off, and Finn never drove an unbuckled passenger.

Why weren’t you wearing a seat belt?

Why. Weren’t. You?

I keep running until there is no more anger, no more thinking, only my breathing, only telling myself to keep pushing. I keep running, and I keep running, and I just go.

Even if I can’t remember, it’s still my fault.

whistle, I could still run for longer, and my mind remembers that Finn isn’t with us, and I can’t go running

Finn and I used to argue about which was worse, shuttle runs or high knees.

Finn is dead. High school is over.

“The only way out is through,”

“It’s Finn’s mom.”

I can tell she wasn’t saying that because she thought I wouldn’t recognize her voice or know who she was, but because she wanted to say his name, claim him.

They say I can come by today if that works for me, and it’s a task I want to get over with, so I head over.

It would be so easy to save Finn’s life if it weren’t for time and space.

I don’t bother correcting him before he walks away. Finn’s little red car.

Finn, proud but embarrassed to be proud, driving me around the block once before dinner because my mom was only letting me go because she had a soft spot for Finn.

we listened to music and didn’t realize that we had a limited time together.