If Only I Had Told Her

by Laura Nowlin

remind myself that one life wasn’t exchanged for another. Had Sylvie died on impact, Finn would still have run to her, would still have been so anxious that he didn’t see the downed power line in the puddle next to Sylvie.

“all the way sure” that Autumn loved him.

Suddenly, I hate that girl so much.

Autumn was the reason Finn was breaking up with Sylvie and driving in the rain. She was the reason he was

he hated driving in the rain.

you took Autumn out of the equation, Finn would still be alive.

Angelina’s smile is genuine.

Hugging Angelina feels natural, even though it was something we never did when he was alive.

“I hope that wasn’t too much to ask.” “No,” I say. “I’m glad to help.

If only this could have somehow saved him. If only his cautious nature had somehow saved him.

He needs pants like Finny’s, and I knew what he would have wanted me to do. It’s his stuff, so if that’s what Finny would have wanted, it’s what I should do.”

“Autumn isn’t ready to let go of a lot of things in Finny’s room yet.

“I’m sorry, Jack. Autumn will be fine in time.

think I worry even more about her now because I can’t worry about him, you know?” For the first time since she opened the door, tears come to her eyes.

Autumn needs more time,”

Angelina reaches out like she’s going to stroke my hair, then she rests her hand on my shoulder. “Thank you for being such a good friend to us all.”

because I don’t tell her about the plastic bag under the seat that was meant for Autumn.

I don’t take it next door to her. I don’t thro...

It tethers him to this world, but it’s also a symbol of how chasing her had killed him in the end. Autumn will be fine without it. Angelina said so.

“We’ve been sleeping together all summer.” She says it slowly and sadly, like she regrets expecting better from me.

“You’re the one who said, ‘This isn’t a thing. We’re just convenient to each other,’ remember?”

“You haven’t been treating me right, so I’m here to say, once and for all, that I’m through with you. We’re over.”

“Because Finn died, Lexy.”

“I don’t understand. I’ve been grieving, Lexy.” “And you left me to grieve alone!”

“How dare you.”

“How dare you say that to me,” I say as this strangely serene feeling fills me. It’s suddenly all so clear.

I can finally see the whole Alexis.

“If I wanted to, I could have called you here and said, ‘Hey, we were sleeping together all summer, and then my best friend died, and you didn’t even check on me.’

What’s unfolding is so clear that I laugh.

“This isn’t about us, is it, Lex? Sylvie broke up with you.”

Sylvie hurt her, so she’s trying to reenact that with me instead of looking at herself and wondering why Sylvie made that choice.

“Sylvie and I didn’t break up!

Alexis, who I used to think I was in love with, glares at me.

“You left her to grieve alone, Lexy. Damn.”

“The day after the accident, why were people coming to your house instead of you going to Sylvie’s?” I ask.

“Sylvie needed you. Damn, I wouldn’t have minded—” My serenity and my voice crack at this point, but it can’t be helped. “It would have been nice if you had said something to acknowledge that he was my best friend, Lex. Maybe my only real friend, I don’t know. But the fact that you compare your grief to mine? Or Sylvie’s?”

“Sylvie said that you had a lot of growing up to do, but honestly, Lex? If you’re this far behind at eighteen, I don’t know if you’re ever going to catch up. I hope you do, but…” I shrug. I give up and stand up. “Jack, you are not seriously—” I am, and there’s nothing she can do about it.

I’m starting to see how superficial my other relationships have been. It almost makes me wish I hadn’t

given Sylvie such a hard time about everything.

I never

knew what friendship was until it was taken from me.

If I can fool my parents that I’m okay, maybe I’ll be able to fool myself eventually.

It’s not that what Finn was talking about didn’t seem important, but I figured we were kids. What kind of impact could we make?

could ask Sylvie, but there’s a chance she’s not speaking to me given our last text exchange.

wouldn’t it be funny if one of the girls flashed him?

Sylvie volunteered for the job.

Sylvie and Finn once again argued about whether Finn was trying to control Sylvie by stopping her from doing something stupid.

sober Sylvie agreed whatever it was had been a bad idea about 90 percent of the time.

You can’t argue her into being Autumn, dude.

Even the people who Finn didn’t really like loved him because he treated everyone the same.