If Only I Had Told Her

by Laura Nowlin

they broke up after Finn gave Chloe a ride home one night when Seth refused to leave the party.

“You know,” I say, “you’re probably right about me needing a change of scenery.”

I think I’ll go say hi to some other people.” I’m surprised how their faces fall, but I don’t care. “Nice catching up,”

Death by association.

“That’s the guy whose best friend—”

“Hey, um, sorry about that. I didn’t think those dudes would be so weird.” “It wasn’t just the guys,” I say. “Maybe I’m off tonight.”

He was a great guy, and he deserved better.

didn’t want you to think no one liked you or something. Everybody knows you’re cool, Jack. It’s just…”

He looks relieved when I climb in my car.

think a fresh start will be good for me.

Suddenly, my parents wanted to come. I started to protest, and then I remembered the way Angelina looked when I gave her the first aid kit from Finn’s trunk. So I agreed to let them come.

They both knew not to ask about Finn. They both knew his shadow will be following me all day. They know I’m as okay as I’m going to be, but only because I’m not having to talk about how he was supposed to be moving in with

if they know Finn’s not coming.

Do I want to see Finn’s name or not?

Would it be nice to see evidence that not that long ago, he had a future, or would it simply be a reminder that the futu...

so they’ll be giving us the name of your new roommate shortly.

“Yeah,” I say. “I knew Finn. He’s dead. This is my mom and dad.”

So much for college helping me move on.

“Proof of something,” Finn said. “I haven’t figured out what yet.”

his dad invited him to Thanksgiving dinner at his house, and I was afraid that his heart would be broken, and I was right.

It’s more of a squeeze than a hug,

“You’re going to be fine.”

I’m surprised that I feel as if something has shifted within me or perhaps in the air around me.

I choose to go back to my room. I want to be alone.

someone from the waiting list was assigned to Finn’s open bed.

The guy sitting on Finn’s bed looks surprised even as his mother steps forward to shake my hand. As I take it in mine, I see that she has tears in her eyes. I’ve interrupted something. His father has gone back to staring at his hands clasped in front of him.

my excuse to be antisocial is accepted.

The tears in her eyes glitter. “Let us know if you ever need anything!”

Either way, I mentally thank her as I bolt out of there.

Mentally, I thank her again, this time for not crying.

Clearly, they’ve been friends for years.

listen to Finn’s best of Tom Petty album with headphones until the light filtering in through the sheet goes out. I keep listening until I fall asleep.

Finn’s not at college with me.

if Finn were alive, he wouldn’t be at college with me. He’d really be at college with Autumn.

just how annoying Finn and Autumn would be if they were here together.

Finn would have been making a conscious effort to not talk incessantly about the miracle of Autumn loving him, but I would have been rolling my eyes every time he’d catch himself from bringing her up. It would be mostly fine, and I’d be happy for him.

But I know that every time I would ask Finn if he wanted to go to the dining hall, he would text Autumn to see if she wanted to come. And we’d wait in the lobby for her, where he would resemble a puppy awaiting his master,

I would have been happy for him, really, I swear. If the tension between Autumn and Finn was annoying before, I doubt it would have gotten better

That’s the thing about sexual tension between two people: releasing it doesn’t make less of it. It usually creates more.

Autumn would be the underlying impulse behind any decision Finn would make this week.

And it would frustrate me to no end. Eventually we would fight about it.

it’s Finn and me and we’re arguing.

Finn and I didn’t fight a lot, but I know him well enough to predict his defenses. He would say that this relationship was still new, and “You know what having the chance to be with Autumn means to me.”

I was the one who had always been there for him, not her.

It feels so good to be angry at this Finn, this living Finn who is neglecting me to hang out with his dream girl.

with Finn apologizing and promising to make more time for me.

At night, I know that Finn is dead.

But Finn, the future doctor, ran to check Sylvie’s breathing and pulse. Ran to help her, because of course, that’s what Finn would do.

I cannot make myself believe that he would let any of us hurt like this.

So Finn still isn’t here with me.