If Only I Had Told Her

by Laura Nowlin

I’m not sure why he’s as disinterested in getting to know me as I am him.

Brett keeps a picture of himself in a frame on his desk.

Maybe a deceased sibling ?

Would Finn and I have gone out together last night? Only if Autumn was coming too, and I have no idea what she would have wanted to do.

no matter how certain I am that he and Autumn would be annoyingly attached at the hip.

I’m torturing myself, obsessing like this.

Part of me doesn’t want to get better though. What will I have left of Finn when the hurt is gone?

feels like I can almost touch that reality where he is alive and we’re rooming together.

It feels like, if I think hard enough, I’ll cross over to that world.

I still know Finn so well. Someday I won’t know him like this. I’m losing a bit of him each and every moment.

Time is changing me. Nothing is changing Finn. Keep breathing through the pain.

could never go years without thinking about Finn. No matter how long I live, he’s always going to be one of the best guys I’ve ever known. Keep breathing. You got this.

which means I’ll have to stop thinking about Finn.

Or I could find a way of thinking about Finn that doesn’t hurt.

Keep breathing.

For Finn’s sake. Because he would want me to. I need to let myself accept his death. Breathe. And that hurts. But the truth hurts. I’ll just have to breathe through it.

I’ve set myself a strict schedule.

I eat a balanced-ass breakfast.

He has remained a mystery I do not want

to solve, though it still bothers me that he feels the same about me, since he never gave me a chance.

It wasn’t until afterward that it occurred to me I wouldn’t have wanted her to leave if I’d thought about it for a minute.

How can I think about dating when Finn is dead?

They seem determined that Brett and I will eventually become buds, even though they’ve never met him,

Unfortunately, today would be a perfect day to make a friend.

Maybe I’ll drive around and find a park to go running. Finn was into varying your terrain.

“Have you and Brett hung out yet?”

I listen and wait for Brett’s breathing to return to normal.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“I’m sorry if I’ve been so weird.”

“The only person I’ve shared a room with before was Todd, my twin brother. He died when we were fourteen.”

“It’s the kinda thing that never really leaves you, you know?”

“I’ve had four years to adjust, but whenever I hear you shift in your sleep or get up in the mornings, for a second, I think you’re him. So I’ve been icing you out. You’re this big reminder that he’s not here with me.”

“What was Todd like?”

He had a way of being happy for other people that was contagious.

It sounds like Todd and Finn would have gotten along well.

Brett looks up at me expectantly.

“This room was open because my best friend died. Last month.”

“It’s not the same as a brother, especially not a twin, but I kinda get it.”

Suddenly tears are in my eyes. Trying to be respectful of Brett’s loss, I feel like I’m diminish...

“You won’t forget. You’ll never forget,”

“you’ll think of Finn, and it won’t hurt. It’s not that the hurt ever goes away.

Sometimes when I remember Todd, I’m just happy that I got to be his brother.

I’ll do it for Finn, not instead of him.

“I’m going to go by Finn’s mom’s house in the morning,” I say. “Somebody needs to mow their grass.”

I guess Brett is my friend, though I don’t think he’ll ever be a friend like Finn was to me.

Little did I know that because of him, appreciating seasonal foliage would become a lifelong habit of mine.

That’s when I see her at the screen door.

wave, but Autumn takes a step back.

I knock on the doorframe and call her name softly.

was pretending it was Finny mowing,” she says, as if this should have been obvious to me. “And now you’ve ruined it.”

I don’t think Autumn is okay.