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know Finn would have been worried about her.
When Autumn crosses my mind again, I push away the thought the way I push away fantasies of Finn being alive. I don’t have room in my head for her grief and my own.
Did you hear about Autumn?
Sylvie knew that Finn cheated on her, right?
She tried to kill herself.
don’t need to ask why. And it doesn’t matter how. She’s alive, thank goodness.
“What happened with Autumn?”
“She tried to kill herself. She survived, but she’s in the hospital.”
saw Autumn last week, and I could tell she wasn’t okay.”
“Maybe we’re on our way to being okay. When I saw Autumn, I could tell she wasn’t on her way.
“Why does it bother me so much?”
but why do I care so fucking much about whether Autumn Davis lives or dies?” “Because Finn would want her to live.”
Statistically, there’s a good chance of that.”
“I’ll tell Autumn that Finn would want her to live.”
“But thank you. I’ll be honest. If you didn’t offer, I was going to guilt you into it. I don’t think she’d want to see me.”
“There’re always things that we could have done differently. What matters is what we do now.” It was the rain’s fault. “Yeah,” I say. “You’re right.”
“I’ll let you know if she doesn’t want to see you.”
“You’re on her approved visitors list now,
“Everyone always says they’re fine. Everyone can’t be fine all the time. We all just pretend it’s true.”
“Finn talked about you being depressed, and I could never see
it. No one at school could. I thought he was—or you were—”
“Sorry. I don’t know why I said that. It’s hard to think about anything else.” “And Finn—”
thought you should have this. I probably should have given this to you then.
“It’s more proof that he was coming back to you.”
always thought of him as protective.”
It makes sense, the way we’re seeing the same trait through our different lenses.
She’s pregnant. Autumn’s going to have Finn’s baby. Finn’s baby.
“I’m going to need people to tell stories about Finn, and I’m going to need a copy of every picture you have.”
“They’re going to be happy. But they’re going to be worried about me.”
“She’s glad you’re okay. Or going to be okay.”
“She wants you to get better.”
“Just like you need my memories of Finn? The part of him that loved you is still alive as long as you are, Autumn.
You almost took another part of Finn away from all of us.
“Are you sure Sylvie will still want me alive when she finds out I’m having Finny’s baby?”
“Just know that you have a lot of people who care for you. And everyone, fucking everyone, who loved Finn wants you to be okay too,
“Promise?” “Promise.”
I’ve been thinking about Finn, and for the first time since Alexis’s call that morning, it doesn’t hurt.
I’m so, so grateful that Finn was once alive and that I got to love him. That he got to love and be loved. And be loved still.
There is a piece of Finny inside me to keep alive, so the rest, like breathing, must be endured.
Apparently, gestating a future human does not prove my will to live.
“The baby still doesn’t feel that real to me,” I protested. “I’ll probably get more excited later.”
“You need to show enthusiasm for something, kiddo,” Aunt Angelina said. “You haven’t touched a book since you got home.”
“This is a lot, for all of us. We need to try to focus on the good. If it doesn’t feel real yet, let’s make it feel real.”
I’m sitting on that hospital bed with him, and he loves me, but I don’t know it.
And I can’t change that. I can’t change that. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t… Oh God.
Finny is dead.
It was only briefly in my mind that he was alive again.
It had been two days since I’d thrown up. Twelve hours since I’ve cried.
I’ve accepted this new reality without Finny, yet I can’t stop myself from thinking about him. And
when I do? There he is.
