If Only I Had Told Her

by Laura Nowlin

My Finny. “A...

“Being a mother is all about losing control and then surviving it.”

feel sick to my stomach in a way that has nothing to do with the baby. I squeeze her tighter.

“It’s still worth it, Autumn, even if they die.”

Everything having to do with this baby reinforces the fact that Finny’s not here. For all of us.

Yet we want this. I want this. He would want this.

But that doesn’t make doing this without ...

my heart leapt, and a feeling of safety came over me. I suppose it has been a while since I was with a friend.

“Yes, I can see Auntie Aut’s bump, can you, Guinnie?”

“Sorry, Autumn. I am just so tired.”

It’s nice seeing her. It’s weird seeing her as a mother.

“but I want to say in person I’m sorry about Finn.” “It’s his baby,” I say.

“You were never going to do it with Jamie. Anyone could see that.”

If it was obvious to her that our relationship wasn’t meant to last, how dense was I to have missed it?

“We were only friends then.”

“You guys were never just friends, Autumn, and you know it.” She studies my face. “You know that everyone knew, right?”

“You didn’t know that Finn Smith was into you?”

“You really didn’t know?”

Whenever I walked him and he saw another dog, he would go real still, and the other dog would too. It was like you could see the million thoughts going on in their brains. And then suddenly, they’d either want to fight or play. Whenever you and Finn Smith would see each other, at school or the mall or whatever, you guys would freeze for a split second.

I was like, okay, she’s going to break up with Jamie and be with Finn,”

“I just didn’t know it was an option.” “That’s really sad,”

“But obviously, you had some time together.”

hadn’t realized how much I needed it until it happened.

“but I’d kinda thought that you had it made. The perfect teen mom situation.”

Everything she has said makes sense, but I’m not sure what to say about it.

“I hope this doesn’t come off as ‘misery loves company,’” Angie says, “but I’m glad that I’m going to have a friend who knows what it’s like to be a mom.”

“When they told me they were a couple, I was really pissed. I tried to tell them how shitty it was, but they kept saying ‘We know! We know!’ and talking about how terrible they felt about it.”

“I feel bad that I let us go this long without talking,” she says. “I should have called you first.”

“Sasha told me that you never answered her or Jamie’s emails or texts or anything,”

I mean I don’t want them in my life anymore, not that I wish them ill.”

If I had known. If I had only known. Things would have been different. That place still hurts. That place can’t forgive.

“I was wishing I had known they slept together when it happened instead of weeks later, because maybe Finn and I…” I shrug once more. “It’s pointless to think about, but it’s hard not to.”

“For a little while, I thought being dead might be better, but that was before the baby.”

“It’s better to be alive, Autumn. Please don’t forget that again, okay?”

“It’s like she’s confident and resigned at the same time.”

“You know, Autumn, if Finny were alive, I would tell you to think about what you wanted more than what he wanted. And I should tell you to do that now too.”

“I want you to have this baby more than anything,” she says. “But you

must want it, Autumn. You have to want it more than anything. Especially as a single mother.”

But you still have to want this and want it for yourself. Not for me, not for Angelina or for Finny, but for you.”

“I want to have Finny’s baby for me,”

“But I probably wouldn’t want to if he were alive,” I admit. “And I don’t know how to love this child without Finn.”

Finny’s baby deserves better than me.

“Losing Finny was a tragedy, but you’re strong, Autumn, even if you can’t see it now, and you’ll be a good parent.”

“I promise you will love it. And you won’t care about what you would have done under different circumstances.

Losing Finny hurt her too, and then she almost lost me, yet she’s carried Angelina and I through these last few weeks without complaint.

Did you know that the brain changes more during the months of pregnancy than it does during all the years of adolescence?

don’t know. I want to have this baby, but it’s like the hurt of missing Finny cancels out the joy.

“I felt like a bug he was studying,” I say. “The way he peered at me.” “And Dr. Remus?” “I was a book she was reading.” “And how do you feel about our conversations?” “Like you’re a paramedic and I have a wound that you’re treating,” I explain.

she remembered they weren’t real, it was fine. But then one of the demons said something to her, so that’s how she

“Autumn, you tried to end your life because you believed your life was not worth living without your lover, yes?”