If Only I Had Told Her

by Laura Nowlin

When she looks at the world, she sees demons sometimes.”

“To me, you are more or less the same. You are both seeing something that is objectively not true. But then at least she knows that her demons aren’t real.”

“Finny really is dead. I’m not imagining that.”

“But then she woke up and was so grumpy with me! She must have been having a good dream.”

She probably always expects her daughter to be alive, yet that knowledge, that you could be one of the mothers whose baby never wakes up…I

“You should tell him that you care,” I say. “That you’ve noticed him not complaining and that it means a lot to you. ’Cause how much worse would it be if he was complaining?”

This smoothie was the best thing to happen to me in a long time. I wanted to have another, and now I can’t, because I obviously can’t wait in line behind the girl whose boyfriend I slept with right before he died.

I’ve honestly tried not to think about how much Finny and I hurt her.

“I saw the look on your face, and I remembered that feeling,” Angie says. “I wasn’t going to let you leave without one.”

“She said to tell you that she’s glad you’re feeling better and congratulations.”

but I know he’s doing it for Finny.

“He came to see me for Finny’s sake, I guess.”

This empowered Mom to show me her much, much longer list.

We talked on the phone, but we were both trying to survive.

“Money can be paid back, but all this wisdom and love we’re showering you with? You’re going to be in debt to us forever. You’re going to have to let us babysit this grandbaby three, four nights a week to make it up to us.”

So with Dad’s money and The Mothers’ wisdom and love, I begin to build my nest.

Finny’s baby is real.

This is real. Really real.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe.

I’m still me.”

but I had to stop to cry, and I haven’t been able to look at it again.

“I thought you’d recorded my devotion in perfect detail and then dropped it in my lap without considering my feelings.”

“And I still loved it as a story.”

“Finny read it. That was part of our last day together.” “I bet he said it was incredible.” “You’re a good writer, Autumn. You’ve always been good.”

“Who are you, and what have you done with Autumn Rose Davis?”

“We’re going to be okay,” Angie says to me. Today, I choose to believe it.

It’s disappointing that I can’t tell the difference between Finny’s baby and gas.

“It’s you and me now, right?”

I wish Finny could see me. “You’re so beautiful.”

Even if I don’t have Finny to tell me I look beautiful, I can tell myself for him.

“Love is an action, and all the actions you are taking speak of love.”

“Finny was proud of me,” I say. “I can’t wait to read it.”

This must have something to do with Finny that I don’t understand.

“Your mother didn’t tell you about the arrangement with Finny’s father?”

Everything tilts in my mind.

tell the mother of their grandchild this delicate bit of information, this involvement of the man who abandoned her child.

Phineas Smith, the father of your baby.” “And if we don’t sue and tell him never to contact

“But you promised that we would let her choose,”

the coffee smells so good.

My mouth actually waters as I pour the cup and stir in a bit of milk. I hurry back to the circle, careful not to spill a precious drop.

“Do you think you sh—” “Oh my God, Wanda! Mind your own fucking business,”

I can’t help but think about how Finny would find it interesting, all this talk about inflexible neuropathways.

“Sometimes it’s like I hear my ex-boyfriend’s voice, saying, ‘You killed my baby. You killed our fucking daughter,’

I can hear my boyfriend’s voice in my head too.

“Why not? You have someone to go with you?

“My mom will go with me. But I’m scared that there’ll be something wrong with the baby.”

“I tried. I really did. But finally my doctor told me that at a certain point, my being so stressed out was more harmful to the baby than a cigarette.

“Can you imagine going to medical school, getting married, having a kid in preschool, and then getting hooked on fucking dope? Couple of losers, those two.”

“But the one thing they couldn’t sell for drugs—and trust me, they sold everything for drugs, even me—was their life insurance policies.

She is a survivor,