I Am Ace: Advice on Living Your Best Asexual Life

by Cody Daigle-Orians

Consensual non-monogamy

This kind of relationship, where the people involved may have multiple emotional or sexual partners or a combination of both, is called consensual non-monogamy.

Consensual non-monogamy relies on open and honest communication where all partners consent to an agreed-upon set of rules to work. It’s built on trust, care, and mutual respect.

Consensual non-monogamous partners can form deep and lasting lifelong commitments, and their support and care for each other can be as deep as those in exclusively monogamous relationships.

it’s okay for there to be other important and valued kinds of connections with people,

Consensual non-monogamy isn’t an excuse for cheating.

Consent, the clear, freely given agreement between individuals to mutually engage in something, is necessary and foundational here.

Everyone’s consent is required. Everyone’s knowledge is required. Everyone’s honesty is required.

Cheating and dishonesty aren’t given a free pass just because you’re practicing consensual non-monogamy.

Choose consensual non-monogamy because it’s the structure that leads to the most fulfilling relationships for you.

Open relationships One form of consensual non-monogamy is open relationships. While

consensually non-monogamous relationships that allow multiple sexual partners but demand emotional exclusivity.

Open relationships still require consent.

Open relationships are not a free-for-all.

“Open” doesn’t mean “unbounded.”

Polyamory Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy that’s most commonly understood as a relationship structure that encourages and supports individuals having multiple emotional and romantic relationships.

In polyamory, you can be in love with multiple people, you can date multiple people, and you can pursue long-term relationships with multiple people.

these relationships can be kept separate, or they can be intertwined. They can be ordered in a hierarchy of importance (“This is my primary partner, and this is my secondary partner”), or they can exist without hi...

What connects all the options in polyamory is a belief that one connection doesn’t diminish another, and people can experience fulfilling, meaningful relationships without exclusivity.

My husband and I each have another partner. And the four of us are all connected through friendship. This kind of polyamorous unit is called a polycule.

began calling our polycule “the constellation.” Each relationship in our constellation, regardless of its nature, matters, and everyone in the constel...

the members of my constellation show up every day with care, affection, empathy, and kindn...

our family works hard to make everyon...

Polyamory is not a fre...

You can’t structure your way out of working through your own baggage. A relationship structure can’t process your issues.

Choose polyamory because it’s something you want and it’s something that allows you space to be the best version of yourself.

Queerplatonic relationships (sometimes QPRs for short) are relationships that blur the lines between romantic and platonic relationships.

Can a QPR contain sex or romantic things? This is a common question surrounding queerplatonic relationships. Yes, a QPR can contain sex. Yes, a QPR can contain romantic gestures or romantic elements.

People in QPRs build long-term, lifelong, committed relationships that provide all the security, support, and care of any other relationship structure.

A relationship can become something other than friendship in ways that don’t include sex or romance.

friendships can be some of the most powerful and transformative relationships of our lives.

Well-cared for, respected, and nurtured platonic friendships can provide just as substantial, just as valuable, and just as sustaining connection as any romantic relationship.

Friendships can be full and complete relationships on equal footing with any other kind of relationship.

Relationships are hard for asexual people. It’s hard to find people who really understand asexuality. It’s hard to find allo folks who don’t think sex is essential to a relationship.

he treats my asexuality not as a roadblock but as one of the unique things about me that he loves.

I show up as myself, and I’m loved as myself. Together, we find ways to honor both of our experiences, lifting each other up and working together when we hit a snag.

Ace or allo, romantic relationship or not, monogamy or polyamory, we all should feel empowered to build the network of human connections that spark our hearts and minds.

Find your people. Build your families. Chase the love you want, no matter what it looks like.

I’m glad our commitment to each other was so specifically ours.

while our marriage does rely on the support of everyone around us, in the end, it’s only up to us to make the thing succeed.

He creates space for me to be me. I create space f...

The same is true for your relationship. It’s up to you to make it work.

Know and define your boundaries If there’s a key thing that makes a relationship work, it’s boundaries.

Boundaries aren’t only for physical intimacy. We create boundaries in all corners of our relationships.

Not only will it help you communicate to others, in clear and certain terms, what your body and mind are open to, it will help you feel a sense of control over those things.

You will feel safer asking for what you want, rejecting what you don’t, and navigating a space to explore new things

If something is a hard “no” for you, be confident enough to articulate it. You don’t have to compromise and acquiesce to anyone.

Your asexuality is not automatically subordinate to the sexual wants and needs of your partner.

There were big communication problems. I’d get overwhelmed and pull away from intimacy entirely.

“What does satisfying intimacy look like to me?”