Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

some level he enjoys walking alone for half an hour, wallowing in self-pity, because it helps him feel more justified about his recurring pattern of cruelty and undermining toward Bea.

Your gnawing sensation of futility and inevitably is actually coming from the abusive man’s thinking about verbal conflict. His outlook makes it impossible for an argument to proceed toward anything other than the fulfillment of his wishes—or

His goal in a verbal conflict is not to negotiate different desires, understand each other’s experiences, or think of mutually beneficial solutions. He wants only to win.

unearth his attitude that the whole relationship is a war.

She is always wrong in his eyes.

it isn’t hard to tell when someone is refusing to grapple in good faith with your ideas and instead is just reaching for whatever stick he thinks will deal the heaviest blow to your side.

most common tactics are listed in the box below: Sarcasm Ridicule Distorting what you say Distorting what happened in an earlier interaction Sulking Accusing you of doing what he does, or thinking the way he thinks Using a tone of absolute certainty and final authority—“defining reality” Interrupting Not listening, refusing to respond Laughing out loud at your opinion or perspective Turning your grievances around to use against you Changing the subject to his grievances Criticism that is harsh, undeserved, or frequent Provoking guilt Playing the victim Smirking, rolling his eyes, contemptuous facial expressions Yelling, out-shouting Swearing Name-calling, insults, put-downs Walking out Towering over you Walking toward you in an intimidating way Blocking a doorway Other forms of physical intimidation, such as getting too close while he’s angry Threatening to leave you Threatening to harm you

The abusive man wants particularly to discredit your perspective, especially your grievances.

“real” reasons why you complain about the way he treats you are: You don’t want him to feel good about himself. You can’t handle it if he has an opinion that differs from yours, if he is angry, or if he is right. You are too sensitive, you read too much into things, or you take things the wrong way. You were abused as a child or by a former partner, so you think everything is abuse.

The abusive man’s goal in a heated argument is in essence to get you to stop thinking for yourself and to silence you,

If you watch closely, you will begin to notice how many of his controlling behaviors are aimed ultimately at discrediting and silencing you.

4. He makes sure to get his way—by one means or another.

Periods of relative calm are followed by a few days or weeks in which the abuser becomes increasingly irritable.

His excuses for not carrying his weight mount up, and his criticism and displeasure seem constant.

Then he may enter a period when he reminds you of the man you fell in love with—charming, attentive, funny, kind. His actions have the effect of drawing you into a repetitive traumatic cycle in which you hope each time that he is finally going to change for good.

The tension-building phase

During this period, your partner is collecting negative points about you and squirreling them away for safekeeping.

Abusers nurse their grievances.

some of his negativity about you is just plain habit. An abuser falls into a routine of walking around dwelling

he logically chooses you as his dumping ground for all of life’s normal frustrations and disappointments.

The abusive man tends to mentally collect resentments toward you until he feels that you deserve a punishment. Once he’s ready to blow, the tiniest spark will ignite him.

After he blows, the abuser absolves himself of guilt by thinking of himself as having lost control, the victim of his partner’s provocations or his own intolerable pain.

He may consider women’s emotional reactions—such as breaking into tears—contemptible, even when they hurt no one,

The “hearts and flowers” stage

After the apologies are over, the abuser may enter a period of relative calm.

He feels rejuvenated and may speak the language of a fresh start,

Of course, there is nothing cathartic for his partner about being the target of his abuse

He wants to be back in his partner’s good graces; he may want sex; and he seeks reassurance that she isn’t going to leave him—or expose him.

The abusive man does not, however, want to look seriously at himself; he is merely looking to paste up some wallpaper to cover the holes

The good period can’t last because nothin...

His coercive habits, his double standards, his contempt, a...

Some abusive men don’t follow a discernable cycle like the one I ...

You gradually feel warmer and more trusting toward him. The good periods are critical to hooking you back into the relationship, especially if he doesn’t have another way to keep you from leaving,

While you are feeling more trusting, you expose more of your true feelings about different issues in your life and you show him more caring, which creates vulnerability that he can use later to control you (though he probably doesn’t consciously plan to do this).

Real change looks very different from a typical good period—so different that you could scarcely mistake the two,

Any incident of abusive behavior brings the abuser benefits just as this one did. Over time, the man grows attached to his ballooning collection of comforts and privileges.

if he is one of the few abusers who carries his weight in these areas, then he exploits her emotionally instead, sucking her dry of attention, nurturing, and support, and returning only a trickle.

RESEARCH INDICATES THAT A WOMAN’S INTUITIVE SENSE OF WHETHER OR NOT HER PARTNER WILL BE VIOLENT TOWARD HER IS A SUBSTANTIALLY MORE ACCURATE PREDICTOR OF FUTURE VIOLENCE THAN ANY OTHER WARNING SIGN.

Violence is behavior that does any of the following: Physically hurts or frightens you, or uses contact with your body to control or intimidate you Takes away your freedom of movement, such as by locking you in a room or refusing to let you out of a car Causes you to believe that you will be physically harmed Forces you to have sexual contact or other unwanted physical intimacy

(Research studies indicate that the best behavioral predictor of which men will become violent to their partners is their level of verbal abuse.)

For the most part, an abusive man uses verbally aggressive tactics in an argument to discredit your statements and silence you. In short, he wants to avoid having to deal seriously with your perspective in the conflict.

Arguments that seem to spin out of control “for no reason” actually are usually being used by the abusive man to achieve certain goals, although he may not always be conscious of his own motives. His actions and statements make far more sense than they appear to.

An abusive man’s good periods are an important and integrated aspect of his abuse, not s...

Abusive men find abusiveness rewarding. The privileged position they gain is a central reason for...

Abusive men tend to be happy only when everything in the relationship is proceed...

Violence is not just punches and slaps; it is anything that puts you in physical fear or that uses your body to control you.

The turbulence, insecurity, and fear that your partner causes in daily life can make it hard to recognize his pattern of attitudes and behaviors.

Try to block his words out of your mind and believe in yourself. You can do it.

It’s easier sometimes to just give in.

He may make her feel guilty about his sexual frustration, tell her that he feels like she doesn’t love him anymore, or say that a man must have his needs met.