Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

her partner coerced her by using relentlessness: “If I don’t want to have sex with Ernie, he just goes on and on, and he won’t stop until I change my mind.

So what do I do? Usually I finally give in.

An ex-partner of one of my clients said to me, about two years after she and the abuser divorced, “Looking back on it now, I can see that I was raped over and over again for more than ten years.”

Studies show that women whose partners abuse them sexually can have some of the greatest emotional difficulties, including depression, of any abused women.

Of course, any lover gets some pride out of bringing pleasure to a partner. But to many abusive men, that’s the only reason why the woman’s satisfaction matters. Everything refers back to him.

An abusive man commonly rolls all of his emotional needs into one tremendous bundle, which he expects sex to be able to carry.

He tends to have little real heart-to-heart connection with his partner, since a man cannot be truly c...

(Although his partner may feel very attached to him through traumatic bonding, and he may feel very attached to having her meet his various needs, attachme...

So he compensates for the lack of genuine intimacy by elevating sex to the highest plane, burdening it with the responsibility of providing for him all the emotional satisfaction that ...

A majority of my clients seem to believe that the woman loses her right to refuse him if the man determines that it has been “too long” since they have had sex.

The definition of how many days without sex is too many differs for each abuser, but he watches his internal clock and expects access when the alarm goes off.

Her decision not to have sex may be respected up to that moment, but then his entitl...

In a typical abusive inversion, my clients often attempt to convince me that they are the sexual vi...

“My partner uses sex to control me, that’s how women...

He believes his wife is keeping something of his away from him when she doesn’t want intimate contact. He sees sexual rights to a woman as akin to mineral rights to land—and he owns them.

He may be attracted primarily to sex involving domination, referred to by some researchers as the sexualization of subordination.

abusive men tend to move between extremes, from loving and attentive to hateful and intimidating, from being overly involved in the minute details of your life to expressing no interest, from showing exclusive concern with what is good for you to being unboundedly selfish.

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER The abuser often believes that the ultimate decision-making authority regarding sex rests with him. He may see his partner as his sexual possession. Sex with an abuser can be especially good, but it can also be a horror show. The two extremes actually result from similar attitudes in the abuser’s mind-set regarding sex. The majority of abusers sexualize power, including some who find violence sexually exciting. Since sexuality is an area of particular vulnerability for most women, an abuser may use any of your sensitivities against you. If you feel uncomfortable about sexual interactions with your partner, listen carefully to your inner voice regarding what is good for you. An abusive man will try to tell you that your discomfort is your own problem rather than a product of his coercive, disrespectful, or humiliating sexual behavior. Women (and men) can heal from injurious sexual experiences, but healing is not likely to happen while abuse continues in the present. Attaining an abuse-free life is thus the first step to sexual wellness.

Alcohol does not change a person’s fundamental value system.

Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they have simmering below the surface.

An abusive man typically believes that his use or abuse of substances is none of his partner’s business.

While substance addiction does not cause a man to become abusive, it does ensure that the abusiveness remains. I have yet to see a substance-abusing client make significant and lasting improvements in his treatment of his partner unless he simultaneously deals with his addiction.

I only give an alcoholic or drug addict about two months to get himself into recovery, and if he doesn’t, I dismiss him from the abuser program;

It takes tremendous courage for a man to be honest with himself, to reevaluate his ways of thinking about his partner, and to accept how much emotional injury he has caused her.

No active substance abuser is willing or able to take on this task.

although recovery from addiction is not sufficient to bring about change in a man’s abusiveness, it...

Alcohol or drugs cannot make an abuser out of a man who is not abusive.

Even while intoxicated, abusers continue to make choices about their actions based on their habits, attitudes, and self-interest.

Abusiveness and addiction are two distinct problems requiring separate solutions.

him can be very dangerous as he may sound friendly and say that he just wants to see you for one final talk or to say good-bye, and then use that opportunity to attack you physically or sexually. I have been aware of a few cases where the

STEPS TO CHANGE

Admit fully to his history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners whom he has abused. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened. He can’t change if he is continuing to cover up, to others or to himself, important parts of what he has done.

Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. He needs to identify the justifications he has tended to use, including the various ways that he may have blamed you, and to talk in detail about why his behaviors w...

Acknowledge that his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control. For example, he needs to recognize that there is a moment during each incident at which he gives himself permission to become a...

Recognize the effects his abuse has had on you and on your children, and show empathy for those. He needs to talk in detail about the short- and long-term impact that his abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger, and loss of freedom and other rights. And he needs to do this without reverting to fe...

Identify in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. He needs to speak in detail about the day-to-day tactics of abuse he has used. Equally important, he must be able to identify his underlying beliefs and values that have driven those behaviors, such as considering himself entitled to constant attention, looking down on you as in...

Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones he is stopping. You can look for examples such as improving how well he listens to you during conflicts and at other times, carrying his weight of household responsibilities and child care, and supporting your independence. He has to demonstrate that...

Reevaluate his distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view. He has to recognize that he has had mental habits of focusing on and exaggerating his grievances against you and his perceptions of your weaknesses and to begin instead...

Make amends for the damage he has done. He has to develop a sense that he has a debt to you and to your children as a result of his abusiveness. He can start to make up somewhat for his actions by being consistently kind and supportive, putting his own needs on the back burner for a couple of years, talking with people whom he has misled in regard to the abuse and admitting to them that he lied, paying for objects that he has damaged, and many other steps related to cleaning up the emotional and liter...

Accept the consequences of his actions. He should stop whining about, or blaming you for, problems that are the result of his abuse, such as your loss of desire to be sexual with him, the children’s tende...

Commit to not repeating his abusive behaviors and honor that commitment. He should not place any conditions on his improvement, such as saying that he won’t call you names as long as you don’t raise your voice to him. If he does backslide, he cannot justify his abusive behaviors by saying, “But I’ve done great for five months; you can’t ex...

Accept the need to give up his privileges and do so. This means saying good-bye to double standards, to flirting with other women, to taking off with his friends all weekend while you look after the children, ...

Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a lifelong process. He at no time can claim that his work is done by saying to you, “I’ve changed but you haven’t,” or complain that he is sick of hearing about his abuse and control and that “it’s time to get past all that.” He needs to come to terms with the fact that he will probably need to be working...

Be willing to be accountable for his actions, both past and future. His attitude that he is above reproach has to be replaced by a willingness to accept feedback and criticism, to be honest about any backsliding, and to be answera...

yelling such things as, “I already told you I was sorry!

But even a genuine and sincere apology is only a starting point.

An abuser who does not relinquish his core entitlements will not remain nonabusive. This may be the single most-overlooked point regarding abusers and change.

The progress that such a man appears to be making is an illusion. If he reserves the right to bully his partner to protect even one specific privilege, he is keeping the abuse option open.

And if he keeps it open, he will gradually revert to using it more and more, until his prior range of controlling behaviors h...

it is my job to take away the abusive man’s privilege of turning his eyes away from the damage he has done.