Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

HOW TO ASSESS AN ABUSER’S CLAIMS OF CHANGE

You are the only one who can judge your partner’s change.

There are two main principles to keep in mind when deciding how much potential an abuser has to become a kind, respectful partner in the long run:

He cannot change unless he deals deeply with his entitled and superior attitudes. No superficial changes that he may make offer any real hope for the future.

It makes no difference how nice he is being to you, since almost all abusers have nice periods. What matters is how respectful and noncoercive he chooses to become.

Holding on to these fundamental points, you can use the following guide to help you identify changes that show promise of being genuine.

We are looking for “yes” answers to th...

Has he learned to treat your opinions with respect, even when they differ strongly f...

Is he accepting your right to express anger to him, especially when it involves his history of mist...

Is he respecting your right to freedom and independence? Does that include refraining from all interference with your friendships and giving up the demand to always know where...

Has he stopped making excuses for his treatment of you, including not using your behavior as an exc...

Is he being respectful about sex, applying no pressure and engaging in no guilt...

Does he listen to your side in arguments without interrupting, and then make a serious effort to respond thoughtfully to your points, even if he doesn’t like them? YES_____ NO_____

Have you been free to raise your grievances, new or old, without retaliation from him? YES_____ NO_____

Has he stopped talking about his abuse as if it were an accident and begun to acknowledge that he used it to control you? YES_____ NO_____

Is he actually responding to your grievances and doing something about them (for example, changing the way he behaves towa...

Has he greatly reduced or eliminated his use of controlling behaviors (such as sarcasm, rolling his eyes, loud disgusted sighs, talking over you, using the voice of ultimate authority, and other demonstrations of disrespect or sup...

When he does slip back into controlling behavior, does he take you seriously when you complain about it and keep work...

Is he being consistent and responsible in his behavior, taking into account how his actions affect you without having to be c...

Is he acting noticeably less demanding, selfish, and self-center...

Is he being fair and responsible about money, including allowing you to keep your own assets in yo...

Has he stopped any behaviors that you find threatening or intimidat...

Has he significantly expanded his contribution to household and child-rearing responsibilities and stopped taking your domestic work for granted or treating you like a servant? YES_____ NO_____

Has he begun supporting your strengths rather than striving to undermine them? YES_____ NO_____

Have you had any major angry arguments with him in which he has shown a new willingness to conduct himself...

“No” answers to any of the above questions are signs of work that your par...

If he is committed to changing, he will take you seriously when you voice your continued concerns and he will acknowledge that he needs to conti...

My experience with abusive men is that small or even medium-level improvements generally slip away over time; the man who actually maintains his progress is usually the one who changes completely even though that process tends to take considerable time.

Thus, when you are attempting to preserve a relationship with a man who has abused you, you need to some extent to hold him to an even higher standard than you would a nonabusive partner.

Sometimes when a woman reports to me that her abusive partner has been doing better, it turns out that he has...

He isn’t swearing at her or scaring her, but he also isn’t spending time with her, talking to her, ...

He’s avoiding abusiveness simply by disconnecting from...

the more typical approach is to remain physically present but to retool the machinery to churn out passive aggression instead of open hostility.

He learns how to hurt her through what he doesn’t do instead of through what he does.

If your partner is truly on the road to renouncing abuse, you will notice a dramatic difference in him.

Partners of my successful clients say that they feel almost as though they were living with a different person and that now they sense a deeper change that involves a real shift in attitudes rather than just his usual use of superficial sweetness to smooth things over.

CLEAR SIGNS OF AN ABUSER WHO IS...

Your partner can make several statements or behave in several ways that clearly indicate...

He says he can change only if you...

He says he can change only if you “help” him change, by giving him emotional support, reassurance, and forgiveness, and by spending a lot of time with him. This often means that he wants you to aban...

He criticizes you for not realizing how much ...

He criticizes you for considering him capable of behaving abusively even though he in fact has done so in the past (or has threatened to) as if you should know that he “would never do something like that,” even though he has.

He reminds you about the bad things he would have done in the past but isn’t doing anymore, which amounts to a subtle threat.

He tells you that you are taking too long to make up your mind, that he can’t “wait forever,” as a way to pressure you not to take the time you need to collect yourself and t...

He says, “I’m changing, I’m changing,” but yo...

Because you love him, or you have children with him, or leaving him would be difficult for other reasons, you may be sorely tempted to get overly hopeful about small concessions that he finally makes.

Beware of his deception and your own self-deception.

“I wish I could somehow recover all those years I wasted waiting around for him to deal with his issues.” Save yourself that sadness if you can, by insisting on nothing less than complete respect.

Attempting to address abuse through couples therapy is like wrenching a nut the wrong way;

it just gets even harder to undo than it was before.