Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

He coerces you into having sex or sexually assaults you.

I have had clients who raped or sexually coerced their partners repeatedly over the course of the relationship but never once hit them. Sexual coercion or force in a relationship is abuse.

If you have experienced sexual assault or chronic sexual pressure in your relationship, call an abuse hotline or a rape hotline, even if you don’t feel that the term rape applies to what your partner did.

You show signs of being abused.

But it is equally important to look at yourself, examining such questions as: Are you afraid of him? Are you getting distant from friends or family because he makes those relationships difficult? Is your level of energy and motivation declining, or do you feel depressed? Is your self-opinion declining, so that you are always fighting to be good enough and to prove yourself? Do you find yourself constantly preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it? Do you feel like you can’t do anything right? Do you feel like the problems in your relationship are all your fault? Do you repeatedly leave arguments feeling like you’ve been messed with but can’t figure out exactly why?

(1) When an abuser acts remorseful, is he really? and (2) If he’s really sorry, does that make him less likely to be abusive again?

The good news is that remorse is often genuine; the bad news is that it rarely helps.

Abusers have numerous contradictory attitudes and beliefs operating simultaneously in their minds.

“My partner and I should have equal say over things but my decisions should rule when it comes to issues that are important to me.”

“I feel terrible about how I treated her but I should never have to feel bad in a relationship, no matter what I did.”

When a man feels sorry for his abusive behavior, his regrets collide with his entitlement.

The contradictory chatter inside his head sounds something like this: I feel bad that I said “fuck you” to her; that’s not a good thing to say, especially in front of the children. I lost it, and I want my family to have an image of me as always being strong and in charge. I don’t like for them to see me looking ugly the way I did in that argument; it hurts my self-esteem. But she called me “irresponsible”! How does she expect me to react when she says something like that? She can’t talk to me that way. Now the children are going to think I was the bad guy, when she was the cause of it. If they start siding with her, I’m going to let them know why I was mad. Now she’s made me look really bad. Fuck her.

his remorse is not primarily focused on the way his verbal assault wounded his partner.

What he feels bad about mostly is: (1) He damaged his image in other people’s eyes; (2) he offended his own sense of how he would like to be; and (3) he feels he should be able to control his partner without resorting to abuse.

By the end of his self-talk, he is holding his partner responsible for everything, including the effects that he has just had on their children.

His remorse can create the impression that he is reaching out for real intimacy, especially if you’ve never seen him looking so sad before.

But in a day or two his guilt is vanquished, driven out by his internal excuse-making skills.

The effects of the incident last much longer for the abused woman, of course, and pretty soon the abuser may be snapping at her: “What, aren’t you over that yet? Don’t dwell on it, for crying out loud. Let’s put it behind us and mo...

She may soon find herself reassuring him that she won’t leave him, that she still loves him, that she doesn’t think he’s a terrible person.

He thus reaps soothing attention as a reward for his abusiveness,

Remorse usually tends to decline as abusive incidents pile up.

The salient point about remorse, however, is that it matters little whether it is genuine or not.

Clients who get very sorry after acts of abuse change at about the same rate as the ones who don’t.

The most regretful are sometimes the most self-centered, lamenting above all the injury they’ve d...

IF BEING SORRY AFTER AN INCIDENT DOESN’T HELP, WHAT WOULD? The following steps could help prevent his next incident of abuse, in a way that apologies cannot:

Giving you some extended room to be angry about what he did, rather than telling you that you’ve been angry too long or trying to stuff your angry feelings back down your throat

Listening well to your perspective without interrupting, making excuses, or bl...

Making amends for anything he did, for example, by picking up anything that he threw, admitting to friends that he lied about you, or telling the children that his b...

Making unconditional agreements to immediately ...

Going to get help without you having to put a lot of press...

If he is willing to take all of these steps after an incident of mistreatment—and actually follow through on them—there’s some chance that he may not be deeply abusive. Without s...

Many women take a “wait and see” attitude when signs of abuse appear in a partner’s behavior.

One final word of caution: If you do not have children with your abusive partner, keep it that way.

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER The early warning signs of abuse are usually visible if you know what to look for. If the warning signs are there, act quickly either to set limits or to get out of the relationship. The more deeply you become involved with an abuser, the harder it is to get out. You do not cause your partner’s slide into abusiveness, and you cannot stop it by figuring out what is bothering him or by increasing your ability to meet his needs. Emotional upset and unmet needs have little to do with abusiveness. Certain behaviors and attitudes are definitional of abuse, such as ridiculing your complaints of mistreatment, physically intimidating you, or sexually assaulting you. If any of these is present, abuse has already begun. Abused women aren’t “codependent.” It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships. Call a hotline for support, or use one of the resources listed in the back of this book, as soon as you start to have questions about abuse. Don’t wait until you’re certain.

I wouldn’t call him an abuser. I mean, he can be really nice for weeks at a time.

to understand abuse you can’t look just at the explosions; you have to examine with equal care the spaces between the explosions.

BEA: I don’t believe this. That dinner was almost two weeks ago. Have you been brewing about it all this time? JESSE: I don’t brew, Bea, you’re the one that brews. You love to get us confused. I’ll see you later. I’m really not in the mood for this shit. BEA: In the mood for what shit?? I haven’t done anything! You’ve had it in for me since I arrived to meet you!

JESSE: You’re yelling at me, Bea. You know I hate being yelled at. You need to get help; your emotions just fly off the handle. I’ll see you later.

THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES.

Therapists often try to work with an abuser by analyzing his responses to disagreements and trying to get him to handle conflicts differently. But such an approach misses the point: His abusiveness was what caused the tension to begin with.

array of conversational contr...

He denies being angry, although he obviously is, and instead of dealing with what is bothering him, he channels his energy into c...

He insults, belittles, and patronizes Bea in...

He criticizes her for raising her voice in response to his stream of insults.

He stomps off and plays the victim by putting himself in the position of having to take a long, cold walk home.

He is constantly focused on her faults, so he assumes everyone else is, too.

the process through which an abuser turns reality on its head is not quite the same as projection. Jesse perceives Bea to be yelling because one of his core values is that she’s not supposed to get angry at him, no matter what he does.

thinks she dwells on her grievances because she sometimes attempts to hold him accountable rather than letting him stick her with cleaning up his messes—literally and figuratively.

long, cold walk home by himself. Why does he make himself a victim?

He is drawn to making Bea feel sorry for him so that his feelings can remain the center of attention, crowding hers out.