For the Fans

by Nyla K.

“But you do…” she whispers. My jaw tightens, but I shake my head. “It’s not my place.” “Bullshit. You’re family. And now, you’re also Kyran’s partner. It is your place to be pissed off on his behalf.”

“It is bad, Avi. It was the worst thing that’s ever happened to anyone I know… And it happened to my baby brother

“Just promise you won’t leave him…” Bridget whispers. “I won’t fucking leave him unless he wants me to…” I shiver out the words. “Because I’ll do anything for him, even if it kills me,” I tell her with my fullest sincerity.

After all, it’s true. Kyran Harbor is the love of my life. That’s it.

“That’s Father McAdams,” Bridget whimpers, then snarls with the same fury I’m feeling in my veins. “The fucking monster who raped my brother when he was twelve.”

“I was supposed to protect him.” Without even realizing it, I’m crying. Silently whimpering grief for the love of my life. And this brokenness he’s been holding inside for so long.

“Obviously, I didn’t,” she huffs weakly. “He killed himself, by the way. They found him hanging from a light fixture in his study four years ago… With a piece of paper gripped in his fist that said I’m sorry

This is what Kyran has been walking around with for eight years?? Jesus… Kyran. Kyran… I whimper his name again and again in my mind.

Sharing this experience with someone who loves me, and who I love in return… And feeling like it’s right, despite what I’ve spent so many years trying to talk myself out of. The win would be worthless if I hadn’t fallen in love with him.

“Congratulations, superstar,”

He makes me so happy. “Thank you for being here.”

“Thank you for… getting me here.”

“We’re together,” I speak quietly, then straighten. “He’s my boyfriend. I’m his…” My voice trails, and I peek at Avi, watching his lips slope into a timid smile. “I’m his boyfriend.”

“You’re so much fucking more than that,”

“I know,” I sigh, pulling his mouth to mine. Kissing him. Fucking kissing him...

“My baby,” he hums while our lips brush in just enough kiss for it to feel like a revelation. Not enough to scare the shit out of my teammates and their families, all of whom I know are now staring at us. “Yours

Kyran and Avi… we’re real now.

“You haven’t fucked me in so long, Avi… I’m having withdrawals.” “I know.”

“Hey… I love you. Kyran, I am so fucking proud of you for what did down there. I love you so damn much for doing that. I just want to make sure it’s not moving too fast for you. I mean, Kyran from a few weeks ago never would have kissed me in front of his teammates and his Coach…”

“I don’t wanna be Kyran from a few weeks ago,” I murmur quietly. “I want to be the Kyran I am when I’m with you. The real Kyran… who isn’t afraid anymore.”

“I love you, Kyran. I love you so fucking much, and that is never ever going to change. No matter what happens, no matter what I learn about you… Baby, you’re it for me. You’re the only person I’ve ever loved this way. Do you know how special that makes you??”

“Stop… looking at me. I don’t

want you to see how broken I am…”

“You are not ...

“You are the most badass person I’ve ever met. Are you kidding me?? You just won the fucking Rose Bowl. You did, Kyran Harbor. You just came out in front of your entire team, like a boss. No fucks to give. If you’re broken, then we should all be so fucking broken, because goddamn, Kyran… you’re incredible.”

“Kyran.” Avi slips his fingers through mine, bringing my hand over his heart. “Remember what I said, okay? You can tell me whatever you want, or you can not tell me shit. We can lie here in this bed together, or you can take my body and use it in any way you want to. We can order sushi, or we can watch The Departed… I’m telling you, I love you, Kyran Harbor. Anything in the world that

you want, I will give to you. But not just right now… Always

Avi’s eyes fall shut, and he releases a shivering breath. Parting my legs wide, I lift my hips a bit, offering him my body, because I want him to have it. I need to make sure he knows… I’m his. Because I want to be. “Baby, you are so beautiful,”

“Nothing has ever made me has hard as knowing I get to fuck you, Kyran Harbor.”

“You love me, don’t you?” “I love you so much,” I choke, relaxing just enough for him to tunnel inside.

“Only you, Avi…” “You’re only mine, Kyran Harbor,”

I’m warm. Warm everywhere… And tranquil, in a way that only Avi can make me. See? This is specific to him. He is the only one. He’s the first, and the only.

“Kyran… Today was incredible, baby. Being with you is like a dream come true, and I mean that.”

“Kyran, please…” His eyes shine with desperation. “Please don’t think this changes anything. It doesn’t. You’re mine, baby. I’m not giving you up, ever. No matter what.”

“I really love you, Avi.” I kiss the truth onto his smooth skin. “I hope you know that.” “I do,”

“All you’ve ever done is open the door for me over and over… This broken, crumbled mess. And every time, you pull me in and sit there trying to glue me back together. And you didn’t even know why I was smashed to bits in the first place.”

I’m in a place I never thought I’d be… Comfortable, finally, with my sexuality. Avi is the one who helped me get there. My biggest fan. I’ve finally stopped running from it… from him, and his love. It might be time that I also stopped running from myself.

Because, as usual, you pushed too hard. You’re just too much… Too hopeless, too desperate. Chasing him over and over again, when he doesn’t want to be caught.

It wasn’t a secret anymore. I finally had a boyfriend… Kyran Harbor was mine. But that was before he learned that I knew the truth about his past… And no matter how much I tried to convince him that it changed nothing, I could feel him pulling away. Resisting, because he thinks he’s broken.

He’s fucking not. And even if he is, so what?? I’d still do everything in my power to fix him, to make him mine. Because I just want him, broken or not. I want all his uneven pieces.

Don’t shut me out, Kyran. Let me love you the way I’m supposed to.

The first person I give my heart to, and he runs off with it like a thief in the night.

“Aviel, I’m so happy that you’re telling me.” She rubs my arm. “I’m proud of you for being so brave. But it’s not something I would need to process. I just love you. Who you love doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy with them.”

That man stole the comfort I’d had in myself. The experience stunted my self-awareness. It was like one big explosion that leads to the collapse of an entire city. The abuse, me telling my father and his denial, my family’s deterioration… it all buried me, the real me, in years of rubble.

I knew who I was, and I was ready to grow into that person. But he stole my identity. He, and my father, forced me into shame and remorse that wasn’t mine.

Being with Avi… being close to him, seeing and feeling and breathing with him, all those things we did together… it’s what set me free. He was the shovel, slowly scooping away the debris to uncover the real Kyran from where he’d been buried alive.

The real Kyran Harbor wouldn’t be alive without Avi Vega.

When I come back to Boston, it’ll be because I’m ready to face the world as me. Gay. In love with my stepbrother. Sexual assault survivor. Football quarterback. Okay, that one didn’t change. But now I’ll be doing it for myself, instead of as a means to make my father less disgusted by me.

I’m not saying social media is bad… It’s just not real. My entire account was full of pictures I posted to fit the fake image of myself. Shirtless workout pics, smiles and kisses with girls I didn’t really care about, sunsets and food… The happy, glamorous life of someone who never even existed.

Me: Hey, baby. I know this might hurt, but push through it for me. I’m fine and safe and I promise I’ll be back soon… Knocking on your door for good this time. I