When You Least Expect It

by Haley Cass

What an idiot. That tug-of-war she’s wrestled with for days about whether or not to get involved in this, and this was actually no more than… her job. It’s the explanation that makes the most sense, and yet it is the one thing she hadn’t thought of.

“Michael – it’s not easy to leave him. I’d thought about it so many times. I came up with all of these plans, but he has a temper. And there aren’t a lot of things that scare me that aren’t directly related to my daughter, but Michael at his worst… was terrifying.”

“I want Abbie to have everything. Every opportunity I could never have.

Hannah is giving her that wary look still. As if she trusts Caroline sort of.

Hannah bites her lip, regarding Caroline with a look she can’t decipher. But whatever it is, she can clearly see that there’s a strength in it. “I don’t need you to fight these battles for me. Just the legal ones,” she adds with a ridiculously charming smile. “The logs are important for the legal part, too,” she informs Hannah, without telling her how, seriously, it would be her pleasure. “And so is your peace of mind.” Hannah does what Caroline can only describe as regarding her, for long enough that it should be uncomfortable. But it isn’t, and she doesn’t flinch, even as she wonders what Hannah’s looking for.

Caroline isn’t quite sure she’s ever met someone that is more “her type” than Hannah Dalton, which has only become more and more apparent in the last few weeks.

She loves her nieces and nephews probably too much, because if she had any sense, she wouldn’t have agreed to take them to the zoo on President’s Day in forty degree weather.

Gray eyes watch her with a soft smile pulling at the side of her mouth. It’s one she hasn’t seen before, but judging by the dip low in her stomach – attractive serotonin shot, party of one – she likes it.

when she sneaks a glance at Hannah, she can see that her speculative eyes are locked on Caroline. She refuses to fidget, even though she wishes she could read Hannah’s mind to figure out the answers she seems to so often be looking for when she studies her. Eventually Hannah says, “You’re really not what I expected you to be.”

“I just– I was wrong about you, for a really long time. I never…” She breaks off, licking her lips slowly as she seems to weigh her words. “I never thought you were the monster that Michael complained about, but I just expected you to be… but you’re so warm, and I was so wrong about you.” Those eyes are transparent when they search Caroline’s again, apologetic. The raw honesty in Hannah’s voice plants itself firmly deep in Caroline’s chest, taking root as she whispers, “I don’t know where I would be without you.”

it would be impossible to miss the warm grin that takes over Hannah’s face. Her smiles at Abbie are entirely real and big and gorgeous; Caroline noted that yesterday.

“It’s just, I don’t want Abbie waiting at the hospital for so long.” Hannah pauses before murmuring to herself. “What am I doing?” She clears her throat. “Actually, never mind. I can try Michael again. I’m sorry I bothered you tonight.” “You aren’t bothering me, and I’m on my way.”

But she likes to hang out with Abbie. Hanging out with kids, getting to see their particular insights and excitements has always been something that’s fun for her. They go out, mostly on weekends, but sometimes after school – to the aquarium, to the Museum of Science, the Children’s Museum – and occasionally her nieces or nephews join them. But Abbie is always thrilled to go anywhere, and her enthusiasm is contagious. Her mind is like a sponge, and she asks Caroline a thousand questions, several of which she has no idea how to answer without Googling first. It’s fun, and Caroline feels like it chases away those cobwebs of loneliness that have been making their home in her life for the last few years.

Hannah deserves something easy for once. A break from the hoops she’s been jumping through for years and from the uphill battle she’s been shouldering alone for the last year. And Caroline finds that she’s happy to co-shoulder. It’s easy and warm and feels a lot like her house is a home.

Hannah shot her with a look, wordlessly saying your influence. But there was a smile playing on her lips, too, an indulgent one that was becoming more and more familiar to her. One that made her feel proud and worthy every time, because it just looked really, really good on Hannah’s lips.

God herself,

“Who wouldn’t fall for Hannah, at least a little?” she asks the universe.

Hannah’s eyes bore into her own, and the trust in them makes her feel so certain she will live up to earning it.

Hannah leans away from her, the distress and fury clear on her face, in her body language. So closed off from Caroline, it stings. “And you decided to do it, anyway. You knew it wasn’t what I wanted and yet, you went ahead without even talking to me

about it.” She rolls her lips, pursing them, her voice tight. “I’m going through this divorce because I’ve put up with that for ten years, do you understand that? And now, because you made him angry–” She breaks off, shaking her head, shoulders drawn up tight as she stares out the window for a long moment. Then she stands, the chair jarringly scraping against the floor.

But Hannah’s never been angry with her and it… it hurts.

“I’m sorry.” She feels helpless as the words leave her, but she feels that apology in her soul. Hannah doesn’t say anything but gives her an expectant look. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. I should have, but–” Hannah shakes her head, a humorless smile on her lips. “Apologies don’t count if they’re accompanied by a but. If I can teach that to Abbie, I’m sure it’s something you’ve learned, too.” Edging closer to desperation for Hannah to just hear her out, she nods quickly. “I– okay, I get that, but maybe I could explain and see if you can make an exception this once?”

“But... Hannah, if we go to court for this, there is no way he will get full custody. I promise.” The strength of that promise burns through her. She would sign it into a blood oath if she had to. She stares at Hannah, willing her to see how serious she is. “I would never let that happen. I wouldn’t.” Hannah stares at her, the anger seeming to ebb a little bit but the typical warmth she usually has when looking at Caroline is missing and she feels it. Heavily.

“Please, just trust me.” The actual pleading that she can hear in her own words seems to fill the car, along with a stifling silence. She keeps her eyes on Hannah, anxiety ratcheting up with each moment that Hannah’s steely gaze is on her, measuring. Finally, she breaks. “I’m trying to.” Her voice is so soft, but Caroline’s heart aches at hearing the words. Hannah plays with the bracelet on her wrist as she bites her lip. “But I’m still upset with you. So, I’m going to get Abbie and go home for the night. You don’t have to watch her Saturday.”

She hasn’t seen or heard from them for a few days and feels their absence viscerally. Like a constant, low ache inside of her that refuses to be soothed. In all honesty, it feels worse than any breakup she’s ever been through. She doesn’t allow herself to think too hard about that. She builds a cage around it in her mind and leaves it alone.

“But I also wanted to see you.” “You did?” I wanted to see you too, almost slips out, but she manages to keep it in. What’s the point in saying it when she’s realized she kind of always wants to see Hannah?

The thing that she doesn’t say is that she wants to protect Hannah. That she knows she doesn’t have to because Hannah can protect herself. But she wants to be able to ensure that she can move on from her terrible marriage from Michael with total freedom, without having to take on the world with any fear about how she’s going to provide for herself or her daughter.

God, she loves this kid.

Hannah shakes her head in exasperation, but the look on her face is sheer warmth.

She draws Hannah to her gently, wrapping an arm around her waist as her other hand strokes up her back. And Hannah melts into her, seeming to just trust that Caroline will hold her up, as she pushes her face against Caroline’s neck.

Hannah pulls back eventually and runs her hands through her hair, rolling her eyes at herself when she realizes that it was supposed to be up in a ponytail. It’s quite possibly the most adorable thing Caroline has ever seen and... yep. She’s an entire sucker for this woman.

“No, I couldn’t. I have other drawings, just of random people sometimes. And they’re– they’re fine. But when I draw Abbie, it’s something… else.” She reaches out and traces a light finger over the outline of Abbie’s cheek. It’s love, Caroline thinks.

I want to be with you, Hannah.” More than she should, really. More than is good for her. More than is wise or safe for her heart. It’s okay, she tells herself. It’s become her mantra. Caroline has always played things perhaps a little too safe when it comes to her heart and this… thing with Hannah may not be safe, but she still feels she has it under control. Mostly.

Hannah’s hand slides down to intertwine their fingers together. It’s a perfect fit, always, and she looks down just to see Hannah’s small but capable hand wrapped up in hers, holding it tightly.

Mostly, she loves knowing that Amanda thinks they’re a couple.

Hannah amazes her, with her gaze wide and soft as it slides over Caroline’s face, in a look so tender it makes her knees feel weak.

But mostly, she wishes that Hannah could look in the mirror every day and see that she shines as bright as the moon and has twice the gravitational pull.

She doesn’t say it out loud because she knows Hannah doesn’t want to rely on her help, but she knows she’s going to do whatever she can to make sure Hannah finishing her degree becomes a reality.

There’s a special spot reserved in her chest for the grin Abbie shoots her every time she sees her.

She doesn’t mean to realize she’s in love with Hannah over chicken soup, while Abbie lays against them, snoring through her congestion.

“If you’re not careful, I’ll get too reliant on you saving the day.” It’s warm but also… there’s a vulnerability under her words. And because Hannah is so very much like a sunset – with all of the layers that make her who she is, every single one of them different and absolutely beautiful, but sometimes concealing what else is in the sky – Caroline can’t quite read all of the emotions under that vulnerability. But it’s in this moment that things shift into place, and her heart pounds with a certainty she has to call these feelings love. Like in this moment, she understands why everything in the world – wars and songs and all of the literature – comes back to this. It makes her think that, for once, she understands what she’s been chasing for all of these years. She’s wanted love, and she’s thought she understood what it meant. It’s not until this moment where Hannah looks at her like she’s wearing a cape – where she trusts that Caroline is going to be here during this moment, trusts that she can show her these weak moments – that she’s ever felt it. She didn’t mean to fall in love with Hannah at all. But here she is, curled up with a family that isn’t quite hers, and she’s never wanted anything more. So. Fucked.

Hannah is so very much like a sunset – with all of the layers that make her who she is, every single one of them different and absolutely beautiful, but sometimes concealing what else is in the sky – Caroline can’t quite read all of the emotions under that vulnerability.

But it’s in this moment that things shift into place, and her heart pounds with a certainty she has to call these feelings love. Like in this moment, she understands why everything in the world – wars and songs and all of the literature – comes back to this. It makes her think that, for once, she understands what she’s been chasing for all of these years. She’s wanted love, and she’s thought she understood what it meant. It’s not until this moment where Hannah looks at her like she’s wearing a cape – where she trusts that Caroline is going to be here during this moment, trusts that she can show her these weak moments – that she’s ever felt it...

But in the moment where Hannah turns to her right after they leave the meeting, with a smile bright enough the world could revolve around it, her eyes twinkling up at her as if she’s done something magical, Caroline feels more satisfied after a settlement than she’s ever been in her life.

She really didn’t think she could hate Michael more than she did when she worked with him. But this divorce has shown her that actually, the depths of her hatred will go far deeper when it’s not just her that he’s wronging. He had a great kid like Abbie and… she clenches her fist tight enough that her nails bite into her skin before she forces herself to unclench. The man had the perfect wife and the perfect kid – Caroline’s dream life – and hadn’t given a single damn.

She makes eye contact with Hannah from across the yard, and she’s pretty sure she would do just about anything, any day, to be given the look Hannah’s giving her right now. She’s never in her wildest dreams imagined getting a card for Father’s Day, but she does from Abbie the following day, and she puts it up proudly on her fridge.

Caroline remembers because she can pinpoint Hannah’s laugh anywhere, the full-bodied one where her smile gets so bright it sparkles.

Her brother wants that complete family, she thinks again, but… does it have to be this family? Her family, her heart seems to say as it aches in her chest, which just makes everything worse with how untrue it is.

But Hannah just gives her a soft smile as she struggles to come up with an excuse. The gentle, affectionate smile. The one she gives to Caroline like it’s reserved for her, and even amidst this, it makes her melt.

She doesn’t want Hannah to be alone. God, she really hates the thought of that, even if it can’t be her that Hannah chooses to be with. But she thinks she just needs some more time to figure out how to shelve these feelings, or at least manage them to the point that Hannah being with someone else doesn’t make her feel like her heart is being stepped on.