When You Least Expect It

by Haley Cass

“Your wife and daughter are adorable,” she hears someone say, and her determination to pay attention to the cityscape and not turn and get distracted by Hannah is one hundred percent broken. She turns so quickly she may have given herself whiplash to see the source: a woman around her mother’s age across the aisle, looking at Hannah with a gentle smile. Instead of correcting her, Hannah just smiles back. “They are.”

“My girls,” Hannah repeats with a smile, shaking her head at them. “Did my girls come up with a cannoli consensus?” There’s an acute pain in her chest at the words, because Hannah just has no idea just how true her words are – just how hers Caroline is.

It was easier when Abbie was awake; she rarely allows herself to get this distracted by Hannah, no matter how overwhelmingly hot she is, when she can concentrate on Abbie instead.

Her voice is quiet and commanding. “If I could have my daughter look up to anyone in our lives, I would choose you.” She blinks down at Caroline, the most earnest look in her eyes. “And you aren’t allowed to brush this off.”

“You’re kind of my hero, too,” Hannah finishes, her voice barely above a whisper as she confides that bit of information to Caroline.

She can’t help it. She leans in, as if magnetized, her eyes closing as soon as she can feel Hannah’s surprised exhale warm on her lips. Hannah’s hand slides down Caroline’s chest to grip the top of her camisole in a tight fist, knuckles pressing against the tops of her breasts. Her skin tingles where Hannah’s hand touches and she breathes her own whimper into her mouth, heat spiking down her spine and landing firmly between her legs.

Caroline is leaving because it’s very, very late sounds very much like Hannah doesn’t want to see her when she’s done with Abbie.

She’d wanted to give herself enough time to talk to Hannah first. She retrieves the large gift bag from the ground and takes a moment of comfort as she puts her arm around Abbie’s shoulders as she leads her back to the picnic tables.

she notices how Hannah immediately straightens out and freezes for a moment, as soon as she hears Caroline’s voice. It’s only a second, but it’s there and Caroline feels it. When Hannah turns around, though, there’s a relieved smile on her face. It shocks Caroline wordless, because... what? It is so far from the look she’d had on her face last night, so warm in that way Hannah has, that surprise takes over anything else. Surprise and this little feeling of hope in her stomach. This little feeling that admittedly hasn’t completely died all night, apparently. Even when she’d thought it had. “You came.” That relief is in Hannah’s tone as well, as she puts the stack of cupcake carriers down to shut the trunk of her car. Caroline’s nerves feel so frayed, her hands shake slightly as she tangles them awkwardly in front of her. “Of course, it’s Abbie’s party.”

“I don’t want to risk your friendship, and I didn’t mean to send you the wrong signal.” And there it is. That tiny, tiny seed of hope flickered out. It’s nothing she didn’t know, but her heart aches with the words just the same. It has no right to hurt and she knows that, but it still does.

Normal. She can do normal. Even if it hurts a bit.

The only thing that isn’t normal is that she starts to employ her own subtle steps to recover and move on from these feelings so that their friendship can be just that: a friendship.

It makes her want to roll her eyes, but her friend is right: she has to move on from Hannah if she wants this to be a healthy and lasting friendship for everyone involved. So, Caroline tries.

“But you’re going to let me pay you back.” Hannah’s voice is firm and not meant to be insulting, Caroline can sense that. So she doesn’t know why that feels like a slap in the face, but it does, and she recoils a half a step with the feeling of it. “I don’t want your money, Hannah.” “Taking Abbie back-to-school shopping isn’t your responsibility.” Her tone leaves no room for argument, and it isn’t sharp, not really. Just matter-of-fact. But Caroline feels the words acutely, and for a rare moment, she is truly at a loss for words.

“You are too much, Caroline Parker,” is what she says in a voice that is barely more than a whisper. This time, “too much” doesn’t sound like a bad thing. She gives Caroline a long, considering look before she shakes her head. “And I should have started with this, more than anything: thank you. For everything. Even if I am going to pay you back.” Determined to ignore the damning butterflies at the sound and the resonating look on Hannah’s face, she shakes her head. “It’s just a backpack. And Abbie picked out the design.” Hannah ignores her deflection and steps closer. Close enough that Caroline can smell the subtle, floral perfume she’d worn for her meeting. “It’s not just a backpack.”

You’re one of the smartest, most self-sufficient women I know. And you can do this.” She can hear her own conviction, and she knows that the fire burning behind her words is borne of just that: the belief she has built into her core that Hannah can do anything. Because in a recovery program for her feelings for this woman or not, she will never back down on that.

She shoots Hannah a wink. “I mean, Caroline’s a sprawler in her sleep, but it’s pretty cute with all her cuddling tendencies, right?”

there is no universe where she is going to explain that while she’s had several relationships that she’d thought were love, there had never been anyone that seemed like a good fit with her friends. That this weekend is special to her, and she couldn’t just bring someone who wouldn’t fit with their whole dynamic.

after her friends run through a few more names from her past, and it occurs to her that it’s actually a good thing Hannah isn’t interested in dating her. Because there’s a list of women that Caroline has tried to make it work with, and yet it never has. And when that would inevitably happen with Hannah, she’d be beyond devastated.

“No, it’s not… I know I’m capable of having feelings for someone.” Her voice is barely louder than a breath, and Caroline unconsciously shifts even closer to be able to hear better. “It’s about trust. Like if I can… really open that part of myself. And,” she hesitates, seeming unsure of her words, “it’s also me that I don’t trust.”

the only thing that makes her ache more than imagining Hannah with someone else is imagining Hannah being alone.

“Caroline may have been my best, though. Definitely up there in my top three.”

It seems that just about anything Hannah wants, Caroline’s ready to oblige. She can’t help herself.

“What I miss most of all is holding my hands against her hips and pressing her down against the bed. Feeling her dripping against my mouth, how hard her hips press against my face. Her hands in my hair, how desperate she gets, her legs shaking, my name the only thing she can say…”

She kind of still can’t believe she’d essentially had in-person phone sex with Hannah, because it sounds extremely unlike what she would ever intend to do in the sober light of day.

It’s so wrong – so wrong – but the number of orgasms she’s treated herself to, that start with a fantasy of what could have happened that night if Hannah wanted her, is embarrassing to say the least, and she tries not to think about it.

Big blue eyes look at her so hopefully, she just can’t say no. “I’ll be there.” “Yes!” Abbie’s shout is triumphant as she scoots forward in her chair in a flash, hitting her pumpkin by accident so it rolls onto its side. “You promise?” “Well, I do love Halloween.” Caroline offers her pinky, covered in pumpkin guts and all. Abbie links hers and then giggles when their fingers slide against one another.

Hannah’s voice gets closer, as Caroline can hear her storm down the hall. “You told Abbie so many times that you’d be there, and I know you had a big meeting today, but you shouldn’t have promised. She already has one adult who never keeps his promises; you can’t do that to her. And this is just what I was afraid of! As soon as you knew–”

Hannah’s hands come up to cup her jaw moments later. The touch is so light and tender, it makes Caroline feel precious in a way she’s certain no woman before her has ever even attempted. Her eyes fall closed with the relief.

The urgency in Hannah’s voice cuts through that. “God, baby, what happened? Who did this to you? Were you mugged? We need to call the police. No, we need to get you to a hospital, first. Hospital and then the police.” She strokes her fingers lightly over Caroline’s cheeks. “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

Hannah frowns deeply, her hands not moving from Caroline’s face. “Abbie – she was upset, but these are extenuating circumstances. I should have known you would have a good reason for not coming,” she mutters, seemingly to herself.

Hannah doesn’t say anything for several beats, and Caroline forces her eyes to open again to see the incredulous look Hannah is giving her. “If you think for one single second that I’m leaving you alone like this, you’re insane.” It makes her feel cared for. In ways Caroline has rarely felt ever since being a kid

Dark eyes are glued on the dessert as her mind immediately flashes back to the moment she’d met Hannah, that holiday party at Wilkens & Granger. With a plateful of these cookies in hand when Hannah had approached her. She’s been pretty convinced that there is no way their meeting was as impressed on Hannah’s mind as it is on hers. “I love these.” She quirks her head to the side, looking up at Hannah. Gray eyes meet her own, inscrutable, even as her voice is soft. “I know.”

Caroline loves kids. She’s always wanted kids. But she’s never had her heart so completely melted by one in her life.

“You will see,” she narrows her eyes playfully, still meaning her words. “Just wait, the closer we get, something is going to happen.” “I bet this year it won’t be so bad. Deal?” Hannah sets her glass on the table, offering Caroline her hand.

“When I was younger, my mom used to give me one thing on my birthday. Anything that was within her power to give me, I could have it. I’m not prepared for your birthday this year.” Hannah pauses to give her a look. “But seriously. Whatever you want, within my power, is yours.”

Hannah is attracted to her, and that is the best birthday gift she’s ever received.

“Well, I wasn’t about to have my way with you in the hallway, Hannah.” She can feel the tremulous breath Hannah releases at her words, the warmth of it washing over her own lips and – holy shit, she can see it in the way Hannah looks at her – that wanting look at her words. It is all real. Last night hadn’t been some sort of fluke or figment of her very Hannah-desiring imagination. Hannah wants her, too.

“That night, and –” She forces herself to stop, because she just knows, by the way she knows Hannah. It’s not what Hannah needs to hear right now. Instead, she swallows hard, trying to force her body out of overdrive and just repeats. “I want you.” She wants Hannah every night. All of the time. In every way.

“I can’t handle this changing things because my life is finally something good. I have stability and I’m so close to getting my degree and I feel –” A smile flashes over her face and the sheer freedom in it – something she couldn’t have imagined seeing on Hannah’s face when Hannah had contacted her all those months ago – steals her breath. “I feel actually in control, for the first time in maybe ever.

“I’m not asking you to marry me, Hannah. I’m not asking for anything you’re not ready to give.” She takes a deep breath, shaking her head. “I can’t promise that everything will be totally normal because, yeah, this changes things. But it only has to change… what you’re ready for.”

“I want you when you’re in your work uniform. I’d like to toss the visor away and press you into the counter right there, feeling your mouth on mine. I want to kiss you when you pick Abbie up after you get out of class, with your eyes tired but alive.

“For the record, I’m wearing the Suffolk law shirt you forgot here once. And my underwear. Goodnight.”

Before she breaks the eye contact a second later, shaking her head. “You have to stop looking at me like that.” “Like what?” Gray eyes are dark as Hannah arches a challenging eyebrow at her. “Like you’re thinking about kissing me. You do it all of the time and now I know exactly what that look is,” Hannah whispers, her own eyes falling to Caroline’s mouth. “I’m really not sure I can make that promise,” she admits, the truth of it almost alarming.

Hannah slips off her jacket. Caroline saw her outfit in its entirety when she’d picked Hannah and Abbie up, but still… she looks so good. She really isn’t sure how good a job she’s doing of hiding her feelings on her face as she reaches out to take Hannah’s coat. “You’re failing,” Hannah whispers, her breath warm against Caroline’s ear, as she brushes by her.

“It is good. And it’s scary,” Hannah admits in a whisper, her jaw clenching with a tension Caroline just doesn’t understand. She frowns, searching Hannah’s eyes, until Hannah squeezes them closed. “You gave us something here that I don’t want to lose. And I’m so…” She blows out a breath, gray eyes opening again, boring into Caroline’s. “I just feel like this is a tightrope and I’m scared of falling.”

“Risk or not, I’m thankful for you, Caroline. Happy Thanksgiving.”

She ducks her head down again, eyes slipping closed as she breathes out, “I could get so lost in you if I’m not careful.” She isn’t quite sure if she was meant to hear that. Somehow, she feels like Hannah meant it more for herself than anyone else. Don’t be careful, Caroline aches to say. Instead, she leans in and kisses her again.

What they are is Caroline very much feeling ready to say “I love you” and meaning it more than she ever has, but holding it back whenever the words want to escape. Because she knows they will make Hannah run.

But she’d come for Abbie, and Hannah knows it.