When You Least Expect It

by Haley Cass

She has zero decorations for Christmas stowed away in her storage closet. But she turns to look back at Abbie, who is giving her a look so hopeful, she just can’t say no to the genuine Christmas joy and excitement there. “Of course you can decorate my tree.”

Honestly, she wishes Abbie and Hannah never had to go home.

It looks like a family lives here. Like her family lives here.

Hannah’s perfectly long fingers reach out and slide along her jaw. “I never knew, really, what it felt like to have someone leave at night and not have any doubt that they were actually going where they say they’re going.” Okay. Well. Caroline melts into the touch because she can’t not. “When you say it like that…”

“I’m letting you guide us. I don’t want to… push you.” She’s trying so hard not to cross any boundaries, even though with every single day that goes by, she wants more. Hannah leans back against the door, her tongue sliding slowly over her bottom lip, and Caroline’s eyes trail after it, hungrily, before snapping to Hannah’s. “Push me,” she rasps.

“I want you to come in my mouth.” The amount of times she’s dreamed of it should be embarrassing. Maybe it would be if she had the wherewithal to care about anything else in this moment.

“That night. At the lake house. I went to the bathroom and I touched myself.” Caroline groans, working herself against Hannah’s hand, unable to slow down while her body feels entirely out of control. “Fuck. Fuck. You did?”

Hannah doesn’t unload it on her beyond cursory, short statements. Even though Caroline actually wants to be there for her during these moments. To help her when she’s stressed or feeling burdened.

His eyes narrow at her. “What are you doing here, Parker?” Irritation zips through her and a retort is on the tip of her tongue, before she realizes Abbie is still standing there. Clenching her jaw, she bites it back and forces a smile.

Her resolve to not engage falls away as soon as Michael is spewing crap about Hannah. She holds up her hand, furious on Hannah’s behalf. “I don’t know who the hell you think you’re talking about here, but Hannah is your nothing. She’s her own person.

“Just fucking try it, Michael. If you threaten Hannah ever again, if you badmouth her to Abbie – sexuality or relationship status, included – if you even attempt to breathe a word to contest custody… you don’t even want to know what I will do to you.” She goes toe-to-toe with him, her voice low and sharp, as her eyes narrow to a glare. “Try me. Because we both know who’ll win.”

“Why would you say anything to him?” Hannah demands. “Why wouldn’t you just turn around and walk away?” The same regret she’d felt this morning wells up again

“I told you, Caroline.” Hannah draws her hands through her hair, knocking her visor totally askew, fire in her eyes. “My problems are my problems. I need to deal with them, on my own. Michael is my problem. If he says something about me, or us, then tell me. And I will deal with it.”

“I don’t need or want anyone fighting my battles for me. That’s not – what I need.” Hannah’s hands are on her hips, flexing tightly, her expression drawn.

“I didn’t say anything to Michael to be your savior or try to take any of your independence away from you.” They burst from her mouth, far more impassioned than she expects, but she can just feel it.

“I did it because… I want your problems to be my problems. And I want my problems to be yours. I like the idea that you’d come to me at the end of a hard day and know that I want to be there for you. And that it doesn’t have anything to do with taking anything away from your independence, Hannah, because your independence is something I love about you. One of the many things. Because I just… love you.”

“I want you and Abbie, every day. I want everything with you and that’s… a lot. I know,” she admits, the weight of it crushing. “I’m not asking for everything right now. I’m not asking for you to… to love me, to take a leap with me. I only want that when you’re ready. I’m just asking to know that you are really in this.” God, she can barely even keep up with herself and she can tell by the wide, shocked eyes that Hannah isn’t doing much better. “I’m asking to know that you trust me,” she finishes, and she wouldn’t have been able to really put the words to her worries until this moment. “Like, really trust me.” She feels like an idiot, but she brings her hand up and taps her finger over her chest. Over her heart. “Like, here.”

“I just need… a – minute,” Hannah manages, and her voice is faint, hoarse. Caroline’s breath leaves her in a rush, feeling hollow, and it hurts. That Hannah can’t just tell her yes, she trusts her, really fucking hurts. Her eyes sting and it doesn’t matter how much she blinks, the tears just don’t leave.

If Caroline’s Christmas gift this year is that Hannah doesn’t trust in her or in them, then… where the hell does she go from there?

Fuck the holidays. They really are out to get her.

Hannah looks… tired, even as she sleeps. And Caroline is loathe to wake her, but she’s – Hannah is here, waiting for her? She doesn’t know where they go if Hannah doesn’t reciprocate these feelings, or feel like she can reciprocate them. But if two days feels like forever without Hannah, what is she going to do longer term?

“I had – a conference. And you didn’t call.” She pauses, swallowing before she admits the absolute truth, “If you called, I would have come back in a heartbeat. But you didn’t… you wanted a minute.” Hannah holds her gaze before she drops it to her lap, her legs drawn up under her. It’s only then that Caroline realizes Hannah’s wearing one of her shirts, and… yeah. One entire sucker for this woman, she thinks, not for the first time.

“I… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And the thing is yes, I want – no, I need my independence and to be in control of my own life. I need that. But I know that I can…” She trails off, searching for her words, and Caroline knows verbalizing it all isn’t easy for her. “I can, and have, used that as an excuse, because I’m afraid. Of all of this.”

“I just didn’t realize until I looked back that I didn’t draw you just like I drew other people. Like a building. I drew you… like I would draw a queen. Like I’m in love with you.”

“Trust, for me, is harder than love,” Hannah whispers, her mouth falling open as a breath trembles out. “I spent ten years playing everything so close to the vest, with a partner who… really wasn’t a partner. I didn’t believe a word he said.” There are tears in her eyes and as she smiles, they fall. “But I do. I trust you. With my daughter and with me. All of me. And I want to take the leap with you, Caroline. Sometimes I might not be able to find the right words, but I feel them.”

Caroline might believe in Christmas magic. Just a bit.