When We Were

by Diana Elliot Graham

And because of that, because of that fear, that loss I felt, I’ve never made that mistake again and I have a full life.

he deserves a full life

“Then we can’t sit here and feel anything but gratitude.”

Always the one to be clear in his thoughts, except clearly, one notable exception. One that damned us both to hell.

when it mattered the most

feel my nineteen year old heart fracturing all over again, but this time the pieces won’t fall at our feet. It’s protected now by its thirty-three year old shell. One that has been built up and reinforced overtime.

i love her i love her i love her.

We both should have known it, given that we knew each other, but that night, we focused on the worst parts of ourselves instead.

yes.

“I felt like my heart was being broken in slow-motion, and I needed you to feel that too, I just said and did whatever I thought might help.

it's a slow motion avalanche

The wheels visibly turning behind his eyes, thinking through the same problem he’s clearly tried to solve more than once in the last weeks, maybe in all the years.

am i ready for the next chapter? no.

He didn’t ask to walk me back this time.

i can't do this

I cried on my way to him last night. The tears

she turned up at his doorstep with tears in his eyes. she just stood and watched and didn't see through her. i refuse to believe this actually.

Knowing how desperately I don’t want to be alone, I follow them to the only place I know.

just smile and nod

Wishing I could be anywhere but here, knowing that to make that happen, all I have to do is stand up and move. But I can’t. I can’t move. So I sit.

Wearing clothes from the night before. And cry. What a fucking cliché. I’ll give myself one more minute. Just 55 more seconds and then I can stand up. Only 43 more seconds and then I will be okay. In 28 more seconds, I will go.

it hurts to see her hurt

“He doesn’t w-want to be with me. It didn’t matter. He doesn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOÒOOO

My mind is overwhelmed by every word we exchanged in the last twenty-four hours, even worse by the ones we didn’t, trying to put them together like a puzzle without the box as a guide. No idea what the picture will be when it’s finally complete, just struggling to line up edges to match. To make sense of it.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I tried to pretend I was back in the brick bubble. Held in Reid’s arms, in pleasure not tragic comfort.

she loves him so much she misses him so much

Stella tries to get my attention, but I left it behind in his apartment. All I have to give her is the shell of myself I cracked open outside Josh’s front door.

BUT I LEFT IT BEHIND IN HIS APARTMENT

AB, the nickname he had given me that had taken hold. Now fucking stings to hear.

crying crying crying actually tears god I hate this

Last night after he left, I stood there with my friends trying to replay how it went so wrong so quickly. And while they weren’t exactly in the right state of mind to help me, they both heard him say he was done and saw him walk away. But I hadn’t been done, I wanted to hear it from him. I was convinced, somewhat by Stella, that I just needed to talk to him, or better yet not talk.

I WANTED TO HEAR IT FROM HIM

She was wrong. We were all wrong. I went over there with the intention of testing the waters.

no you weren't wrong

Never realizing how easy it was to drown in him. I repeated back what he had said to me, and then said I wanted him.

this is the first time in my life im having to pause a book so much because reading hurts so much

Somewhere along the way Reid decided I was both too much and never going to be enough, all at once. I feel like I’ve swallowed barbed wire, and my mouth is full of sand.

YOU ARE ENOUGH YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH

take a slow deep breath. One I’ve watched Reid take time and time again. Whenever he looked like he needed to steady himself. And that’s what I need to do.

not reid helping her steady herself through the pain I will eat glass

The parts of it that made me fall so quickly, that positioned him as the sun, only lending me his warmth, thawing out the frozen parts of me. Layer by layer melting it away in his natural glow.

daylight by Taylor swift is their song. the way she compares him to the sun repeatedly through the book like

I compromised them to play girlfriend to someone who ultimately could walk away without a look back. Because he didn’t look back. Not when he left the party, and not when he left my life. He doesn’t have regrets.

HE HAS REGRETS HE LOVES YOU HES STLL NOT OVER YOU GOD

Some of Josh’s greatest-hits. ‘You aren’t spending time with your friends’ and ‘how well can he really know you’ and of course ‘this was never going to last’, and I loaded those poison dipped arrows and fired them directly at Reid in a moment of desperation about fourteen hours ago.

I want josh to die I want a brick to fall on his head

Hoping this might be the image of the puzzle my mind is trying to piece together. But I know it’s not, and I toss it in the garbage and I walk out the front door.

I refuse to believe this is how things end for them. They were soulmates, she loved him, he loved her, they were supposed to end up together I was rooting for them I was always rooting for them this kills me. I hate this. I hate it here.

Our table in the window, occupied, not by us, but looking through the glass, their faces are blurred by the reflection, and for just one more moment, I can pretend.

THIS hurts

Pretending there might be a future, one I couldn’t predict, but still could exist. Pretending that he knew me, in all the ways that matter. Pretending that he loved me, in all the ways he showed. Pretending I’m okay to know that he doesn’t, in all the ways he said. Pretending that I’m okay, at all.

This is a better place to cry. The only place to cry. Where the tears can be lost in the crowd of water droplets.

bring that here. I couldn’t be that here. I don’t want to feel that here,” I don’t want to feel anything here, “it’s going to be hard enough. I haven’t even gone into my room yet because I know what’s in there. Polaroids of us when we were together, the sheets we slept on when we were together, and all the physical reminders that we aren’t

be myself again. The version I was without Reid. The one that you guys know, not whoever I was pretending to be.” “I never thought you were pretending, and I don’t think he did either.”

TELL HER STELLA

“Josh wasn’t right.

josh is never right about anything

“That’s not true, Josh, because I’m never late.”

TELL HIM ARDEN

That photo wasn’t hers to take, but it didn’t stop her. Nothing stopped her. She wasn’t mine to stop.

crying again

The memories of her here are all I can see, even though I lived here longer than we were together.

I run my hand through my hair and lean my head against the back of the couch. The same place it rested when she told me she loved me.

It will need to be a conversation, a fight, but we can get to the other side of this if we are clear.

you should've called her

His views on the matter are so different from mine.

OF COURSE

“I have two weeks to make a decision about the job. Either way, I’m not living here next year.”

reid noooooooo

You’re making decisions based on something that will snap back into place the second you pick up the phone.”

TELL HIM AUSTIN

“You didn’t see her. She’s done. I’m not lowering myself to chase after her now.”

REID NO DONT BE LIKE THAT

You’ll be back together by fall regardless, but it would be easier for everyone involved if you just fucking got on with it and stopped torturing yourselves.”

it will certainly be easier for me

It’s going to have to be her.

:))))))))))

I never trusted their dynamic, but I trusted her. I’m a fucking fool.

you are not a fool just an idiot for believing what you hear

One week of classes. My final freshman classes. One week of meals. Or pushing food around while pretending. One week of sleeps. Or sleepless nights.

I wanna like wrap her in a blanket and protect her from the world so no one can hurt her

sobbed in the shower and thought about what was said, how he felt, and then, I began to convince myself I was okay.

Despite what I had said to Reid. I still very much was present; I hadn’t given up my life to be a part of his.

YOU HADN'T

had convinced everyone I was okay, tried to convince myself I was okay. But that’s the problem, I don’t want to be okay, because that means it’s really over.

The Red-Lips-No-Kiss rule was less of a rule, more of a reminder that most boys aren’t worth smearing your lipstick.

most boys aren't worth shit

But I didn’t. Not yet. Instead, I came back to my own bed and cried alone every night.

WRAP HER IN A BLANKET AND PROTECT HER FROM THE WORLD