When We Were

by Diana Elliot Graham

The weather might have had more bite in the air than I’d experienced yet, but as we walked back, wrapped in his jacket and our conversation, I was perfectly warm.

But isn’t it a little soon for a new suitor to bestow gifts? Okay, Arden, so weird is the vibe you’re going for. Reid: Is that what I am, a suitor? Maybe I should have asked about your dowry before getting such a coveted gift?

Comedians

“Have a seat, I’ll get you a coffee–vanilla almond milk, right?” “You paid attention during scrabble.” “I played to win.”

It amazes me how freely he shares his thoughts. For me, there was nothing more intimate than what I wrote in the margins, but for him, he had no restraint in letting me see what was in his mind. Something I protected immensely.

There must be something so liberating just existing as your honest self. I am by no means a liar, not dishonest in the slightest, but I adapted to those around me. In exchange, it protected the parts of myself I didn’t want people to see, as they were too distracted by seeing the mirrored traits they so enjoyed in themselves.

alexa play mirrorball by taylor swift

Maybe it would have always turned out this way, but who knows. I am happy now. In ways most people search for well into their middle age. More than happy, I am content. Happiness, I had always been able to find.

she deserves all the happiness in the world

But going back to the beginning of this story was never just about him. Even if it started out that way.

It was fleeting, but it was the bubbling of anger of a 19 year old that had been shelved away for over a decade.

i wanna hug her

“He has feelings for you, you’d be foolish not to see it.”

I agree.

“I’m not saying it’s this big secret love all these years later, I’m not even saying he’s waiting for you to finally act on it, but from everything you’ve told me so far, from everything I read in my life, hell, from everything I’ve written, that was instant chemistry, and it doesn’t burn out entirely over time, no matter who else has chapters in your story. It might not be that big burning love it was or whatever, but that never dies out completely.” She settled herself, confident in what she said. “You’re really telling me you don’t think he still holds any feelings for you? I’ve written this story. This has happily ever after written all over it.” This time I do respond. “Except for the fact it doesn’t. We were only together for months, and we’ve been friends for years. Anything anyone feels is just that.”

I wish

When the relationship ended, I packed up everything I was feeling and shelved it away. I logged things in the mental boxes I tried to never unpack. Instead, just letting them accumulate layers of emotional dust in the attics of my mind somewhere.

“Morning, sunshine,” Reid says. He is clearly a morning person. “I got us our table.” He gestures to the small cafe table in the window, the same one we shared just 24 hours ago.

THEIR TABLE

“Thanks, you’re not wrong. But at least I’m wearing gloves now!” I hold my gloved hands up in front of us, showing them off like a child. That got a laugh from him.

Goofballl

“It’s an alarm. I have to get going, I’m already a few minutes late, but I set it because I knew I’d be too distracted to leave on my own.”

the way he'd had to set an alarm because he knew he'd lose track of time without one

And he didn’t disappoint. I saw him and wondered if he ever could.

girl.....

lingering with an invisible touch. “I think you might be the sunshiny one here. You are practically beaming every time I see you.” His laugh is sweet, almost sounds shy, but I know better. “Of course I am, because it’s every time I see you.”

Obsessed boy trope

Reid and I met for coffee every morning for almost two weeks. Each day, we shared more about ourselves, every day getting harder and harder to leave the small table by the window.

There was something special about this morning coffee ritual. What was building between us, what brewed each morning, was a lot more than coffee.

But now? The fear washes over me that he will use those powers of his that I’ve encouraged, for evil.

foreshadowing - also i fucking hate this guy

Despite all the distraction, I saw him as soon as he walked in. Through the noise and the crowd, none of that mattered when there was a pulse in the way his presence called to mine.

soulmate shit

I return the smile he’s given me. It’s hard not to. He wears them so freely, never afraid of running out, and it’s amazing how natural it feels to mirror that warmth right back to him. Not in calculation as I usually do, but natural reflection.

Not situations where I am being queued up for a public argument, something I downright loathe, by the way. I asked you if there was something going on there, you told me

foreshadowing??????????

Still, I can’t help the feeling that I am about to lose something I haven’t even had yet. Something I want in so many ways. Please, please, please. Not yet.

hurts

dips back down, planting that signature kiss, the one that acts as a period at the end of the sentence, lingering just a second longer than usual so we both know it’s not a period at all. But a comma, a pause, he’s ready to return to.

I'm about to have a breakdown 🙂

“I’ve told you. I’m not worried about keeping score, AB. You can have all the points, but I get you.”

It was the knowledge, the learning. He wanted to know me, not win me. He said it from the beginning. The moment he sat down and pulled the bag of scrabble tiles with the intention of only playing words that would allow us to get to know each other.

The main character, a first draft to the main character now. Who I am as I sit here, so different from who I was when he was him. When we were together.

“And you guys have stayed in touch all this time, didn’t let your friendship go, it’s gotta mean something to both of you.

Means a lot to both of them

Arden- I went through some old boxes from my time in school and found some photos I thought you might enjoy. See attached.

Looking at us, at them, they had no idea what was going to happen. How hard they would fall in love. She had

because of it. But looking at us so much younger than we are now, I can see it. She was enchanted, I was enchanted.

alexa play enchanted by taylor swift

important to remember the important things. She was an important thing. I knew it immediately when I saw her. Even in a room full of people.

She told me once that she got rid of everything after a breakup. I guess it makes sense, you wouldn’t want to keep mementos from someone who you thought dumped you. Even though I did.

The thing that doesn’t change, no matter what context is added, is that we both effectively walked away and didn’t challenge the other to stay. We let ourselves bury the romantic part of our relationship, only preserving a more structured version. A structure that has been crumbling now.

my villain origin story

How could I not have kept these memories?

crying again

“I have a few potential job offers lined up after graduation. One is at the consulting office that I am currently interning with...”

WAIT WAIT THEY TALKED ABOUT THE FUTURE

“Okay, AB, I’m listening.”

I love it when he calls her AB

But for now, even I’m impressed with myself. I enjoyed that exercise, that feeling of piecing together information to chart out potential decisions. Immediately my brain wrapped around it, and played out the scenarios, until coming to a solution. It’s not that there was an outright wrong answer, but there was a better one. One that I seemed to have found.

foreshadowing of her changing her major

I don’t have an answer for Reid, so instead, I just shrug and smile.

I love that he doesn’t push her

Tell me. He said, so easily. Tell me what you want for dinner. Tell me why you made that face. Tell me your fear. Tell me what is going on. Tell me something. Tell me everything.

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

I’ll be disappointed, but I’ll understand, and we can remain friends.” “You want to be my friend?”

just smile and nod

He is clearly willing to accept whatever boundary I establish. Always the one to ask me to

I love this man

“Wait, do you eat meat?” He turns a bit frantically. “Of course not!!! You do?!” “Oh my god, I’m so–” I wipe the serious expression from and burst out in laughter. The sound has his shoulders relax. “Reid, I’m just kidding. It’s fun to keep you on your toes.” “My toes can handle it, my heart might not. “Here I was trying to impress you...”

makes me laugh every time

I was impressed by him before he even noticed me. Impressed by him as I counted each turn of the page and kept tally before he even knew I existed. Impress me? He enthralled me. More so now.

Me too arden me too

“There isn’t anything wrong with ambition, but you shouldn’t let the ambitions of other people prevent you from enjoying your life now.”

We went back to discuss his plans following graduation, the conversation we didn’t finish earlier.

wait wait wait they talked about this??????

After an incredible domestic scene of dish washing, I sat with him on the couch as I read through the advanced reader copy of his aunt’s book for a second time. His thoughts were left in the margins like secret notes passed to a friend in class. He handed me a red pen, to distinguish from the blue markings he already left, and sat there as I returned my own thoughts to the book. Even though I texted him the first time I read it, arguing some of the points he’s annotated, we sat there again discussing the notes on every single page.

them reading together? I can't do this???

“if you ask me about every little thing I wrote, you’ll never beat my reading time.”

FSGDBSCREAMING

We just flowed so easily. He made it feel so easy. Made me feel at ease.

I’ve seen him do it before, always finding some middle ground to make people feel comfortable. He’s naturally disarming.

he's such a comfort person actually. loyal, honest, friendly, thoughtful.